How did it get so far before I saw this??

Hello All,

I want to start by saying hello and let you know what led me here. I was telling my new friend/co-worker about some of the frustrations I was having with my "fiancé" and she wrote this website down and said I needed to check it out because it literally saved her life in her previous relationship.
I have always heard the term "narcissist" but never really understood it. So I registered this morning and the first thing I did was read the 10 things I wish I had known about a Narcissist - and O M G - I started to highlight things that stood out to me and I could relate to and I almost ran out of highlighter! So, let me tell you a little about me, my fiancé and our 12 year history and where we are today.
I am 33 years old and I am a full time working mom of two (my youngest is with my current fiancé) I have had some rough patches in my life, diagnosed with breast cancer at 26 - chemo, radiation and reconstruction surgeries took up several years of my life...along with my ovaries being removed as a precaution at age 30. Throughout this whole time I always stayed positive and kept moving forward. So, lets get to the fiancé part.
Back in 2005 I was married and my daughter was 1 year old. I was only 21 and I truly was in a loveless marriage. My now ex husband is a wonderful guy, but we were never meant for each other. I was young and naïve and that was that. But anyways, so one night in 2005 my friends took me out to see a band - and the drummer caught my eye. And that was history. We became friends first and then that led to a long term hidden relationship. He had a live in girlfriend of many years and of course I had my husband and daughter. We kept this going for 3 years without either of our significant others finding out (but honestly I believe they both knew) Many of those conversations in the beginning revolved around me always questioning why we couldn't just tell them what was up and start fresh together as a legitimate couple. Now I know it was just part of the whole narcissist lifestyle on his end.
In 2008 I became pregnant and he freaked at first. I hardly heard from him and he was spending a lot of time in a friend's bar where he is not only the local drummer but friends with everyone. Our son was born in 2009 and at this point I was divorced and I had moved out on my own with my two kids - working two jobs to support. I had told my ex husband everything and to this day we have a good friendship and we co-parent our daughter very well - and I am happy to say he is happily married again to a wonderful woman.
So when I moved out I was just tired of living a lie! This was not me - this was not how this was suppose to work. I fell in love and I wanted to be honest with everyone, confess my sins and move on. And I thought he would be on the same page - but no. He was happy with still living with his girlfriend 45 min away and seeing us on Thursdays or whenever convenient. So, one day I had enough. He was living a double life, leading both me and his GF on and I called her (as we did speak occasionally as acquaintances) and told her everything. That conversation lasted hours and hours as we compared stories. It was shocking the things he was saying and doing on both sides and neither of us were being told the truth. And not to mention the OTHER girls I found out about. NOW, you think this would have been my wake up call and a way to EXIT however, when confronted he denied, talked his way out of it, made me feel like I was at fault for bringing this all to light, blamed me, brought me flowers, told me he really wanted to be with me and our son, etc.
Everything you can think of he did to smooth it over - and later that year he moved in with me.
Now, since that point in 2011 to current we have been living together. And over the years there have been more up and downs then I can put in this email. But let me give you some bullet points.
- Several nights while he was "working" he would either not come home, not be reachable, phone died, some crazy car accident happens to delay him, and there was always a crazy story with an "I'm sorry, it wont happen again, I don't think to check in." When I thought I was getting my soul mate and everything was gonna work out I was actually getting a lot of heartache, tears, disappointment and sleepless nights. My gut feeling about bad situations or lies was going off more and more. And of course he was always the life of the party, the drummer, on stage, and in the spotlight. I worried and still do daily that he is doing something behind my back. No this may sound hypocritical because in the beginning we were both "cheaters" so what was I to expect? And I feel a lot of guilt about the beginning of our relationship and the people we hurt. But I learned and I try everyday to be an honest person and never want to do that again. And his ex GF and I are still very close friends, which urks him.
- Every disagreement ends with it being turned around on me - no matter what the situation it is my fault.
- No desire to marry but he "proposed" to me to get a ring on my finger and then always throws it in my face that he gave me a ring so he obviously committed
- He spends ALOT of time on the computer - porn definitely (I find it occasionally) or it may even be chatting with people live - I have no idea - FB relationships?? Who knows! He has 2 facebooks BTW - who does that if you aren't hiding something?
- Since he works nights mostly and runs a production company from home he is always home without the kids or myself during the day, so he has plenty of free time yet I am always the one handling everything in the household including financially, cleaning and everything - and what is he doing all day??? I worry always
- He seems to have a disconnect to being able to show love or accept love, even with the kid(s) and I honestly feel sometimes that he is just there and not a true part of the family - I am basically a single mom
- He boasts about us building this wonderful life together when in reality he does what he pleases, I keep the household running with my income and take care of everything and once and a while he pays for a vacation - so he thinks he contributes.

I could go on and on but I will stop for now :-(
All of this is coming to light and I cannot believe I have been so blind for so long!!