Help! Is it me or is he a Narc!

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#1 January 9, 2017 - 9:25am

Help! Is it me or is he a Narc!

I really need some help understanding if I have been a victim of Narc abuse. I feel I must have been as I'm a strong smart woman who is doubting herself and I feel like I'm the one going mad. Bullet point facts below, can anyone help?!

- together almost 5 years, first 6 months when unofficial he cheated on me numerous times (you think I would know then) but persisted to chase me for the next 6 months
- so loving, he loved my "quirks", moved in fast but every time I travelled for business he was weird and distant
- always messaging a lost love on Facebook, said his ex was crazy and finished him on Facebook (recently twisted so many facts about our ending and said he realised it was over when my mum messaged him on Facebook... wtf?)
- blames his "bad memory" if I call him
Out
- lost interest In sex 18 months in, I then find he has online dating profiles and has been having Skype sex with many women via chat roulette. When busted he blamed his lack of sex drive and said it was helping him. When caught again he said he kept doing it as my reaction was ridiculous....
- flirty, life and soul but always needs a strong woman I.e me and his business
- was taking a woman out to get business as friends but she thought he was single
- always played the supportive man, bragging about my job and status but I always felt a disconnect
- very emotional would cry at the drop of a hat when threaten to leave
- told me he was going to propose then In a moment of honesty he never was then when we split he told people he was! He then told me it would have been the biggest mistake of his life!
- told people I was insecure and crazy (like his poor ex) and just up and left him when he backed me into a corner as he didn't have the balls to say it himself. Playing the victim card
- never apologised for anything instead on a message recently he told me he met someone and won't deny it and how amazing she is, he didn't plan for it (met 3 weeks after we seperated) and he is so happy almost relieved we didn't make it!
- lied and stopped me moving out twice and twists that future
- claims he misses the dogs so much however when they were with him they were never walked, he was never there and ants in their bowl!
- it seems as if when he sees me going well he has to say something cruel (I.e new woman) and pleads he is just being honest as better for me to hear from him....

Wtf has just happened?! He has been in relationships all his life but 3 weeks bites the biscuit?!! Am I going mad? I feel I have so many more examples of the wolf in sheeps clothing... appreciate your thoughts in advance

January 26, 2017 - 4:00pm

confused

Hi everyone I'm new to this... first time sharing but have been reading about narcissists since I got married in 2012. I was married to a narc for 2years in a relationship for 10 and now gone from him 2years. I have four kids to this man and still to this day torments me.. at present he's trying to sell our house so we end up on the street... it won't happen I'm sure of that. The court have only recently copped on to him... he left his mask slip in court.
But he isn't the reason I'm writing this... here's my story.

New year's day i asked my husband to leave... he sang and danced out the door he thought id never leave him. He cheated and phsically and emotional mentally destroyed me. I was 13 stone wen I married.. that was my heaviest id ever been... always around 10 stone... when he left i was 6 stone I never dieted... I couldn't eat with stress inflicted on me.. I was confined to the house and was never allowed money. I wasn't able to speak to people not because I wasn't allowed because I wasn't able.. I was dependent on him for everythin. When he admitted to cheating just as i was getting back on my feet he would tell me more just to knock me back down. He stood over me told me im a useless mother and handed me a knife told me kill myself... been in the state I was I cut my wrist but stopped because I couldn't leave my kids with this monster. I could go on and on bout this man and the cruel stuff he done. But I don't allow myself to think of him hes behind me and forever will be. Kids or no kids I'll never give this man the time of day I don't even make eye contact with him bar in court. It took me awhile to pull myself together I had great support from my dad and my friend who equally hated him. These were the only two people left in my life only because they wouldn't leave me... my husband tried to convince me that my dad must have molested me as a child cause I use cry daddy please stop in my sleep...he told me my friend was always hittin on him. I desided then there was no helping him he was evil. After him id the best year of my life finding myself and focusing on my kids. Things were hectic I was been attacked every way possible but it didn't bother me I was happy without him in my life and i found strenght I didn't think a person could have. By the end of that first year I was at my prime a complete different person I was me again. Now here's where it gets messy.

I met a lovely guy who had split with the mother of his child.. we dated for a few months and ended up in a relationship neither of us wanted a relationship but we clicked and IT happened. We said we would take it slow which I was only to delighted. I always had this feeling he was like my ex...but I thought that was just me been scared of the same thing happening to me.. He was the first to say I love u at 4 months which seemed fair I said it back because I did love him. I've learned alot from these sights so... I observed everythin i compared his words to his actions and they never matched up. He told me his ex was bipolar which I believe cause she has sent me messages telling me he's still mad for her..and said i was talking about her and called me loads of names and told me stay away from her son. We had faught the weekend before the messages and i had a feeling it was him that said that to her.. he ran out the door and have me silent treatment for three days cause I was upset over the messages. He then called me her name another night while lying in bed watching tele and when confronted he ran again out the door and silent treatment again for three days. My best friend is going out with his best friend so I hear everythin he says to his friend back. He told his friend about our fight leaving out the main part that he called me his ex's name and my friends boyfriend was doubting my story til she showed him prove on texts. He lied denied and called me names saying he seen the name on the Tele... me been two steps ahead recorded the program when he ran home the name never came up on the tele. He's very secretive and deletes everything off his phone. If I ever confront him with anything he runs and gives me the silent treatment. He has never shouted or called me names or done anything i know off to me this is why I'm finding it hard to leave him. But i feel hes tearing me down from the inside. I went to the doctors today for anti depressants cause I'm finding it hard to cope and I've 4 kids to look after. My world is fallen down around me but I can only think of him and his actions. At this present moment we are on dayfour of the silent treatment...he texted good nite last night. I'm on day3 of no contact and I'm sure I'm going to follow threw to the end this time. He loves the silent treatment I hate it it messes with my head and is after bringing ptsd back in my life. The silent treatment is happening every week now... but I never text him or call him I even go out of my way to avoid him wen we fight. He always asks why wont I text or call when we fight.... I won't because I know i give 100 in our relationship and it's always him that starts it. It was so different with my husband cause id so much hatred for him it was easier to walk away. I finding this time much harder. Sorry for the long post.... I'm 33 hes 38. Thanks for reading... just writing this is after helping me.

January 18, 2017 - 1:44pm

Ah, dating sites, a Narcissists Playground

Dating sites are like a kid in a candy store for the Sexually Addicted Narcissist on the go. Beware of something that seems to good to be true in the beginning as this is how the narcissist hooks you and then throws you back in the water for something new. Narcissists grow bored easily and have no intention of committing to just one, so they create a "fake bonding" which keeps you hopeful as they are out with their nets catching new prey as you are home crying yourself to sleep. This is in now way in their defense, however, they cannot help themselves this is how they are wired and trying to change this dynamic is a complete waste of your time. Keep sharing and venting as sadly we find this often is a longer fix then you wish as you process fact from fiction.

Together and strong,
Goldie xo

January 16, 2017 - 12:43pm

Hard to say

From what you have shared, he is a sex/love addict. What I don't know and struggling to get my head around is how to distinguish that from extreme narcissism. SLAs behave narcissistically (we all do some imo), especially when acting out. But the addiction can be managed if they do the work. A true, extreme Narc is not treatable clinically as far as I know. But they often have addictive personalities. It's mind-twisting, I know.

I will throw out that the part about him pulling back sexually kinda sounds like sexual anorexia and some SLAs become anorexic inside their steady relationship.

My 2 cents, maybe something helpful

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