Fool me a hundred times...SHAME ON ME!!!

This is my story in the form of a letter to him. The letter was written three years ago but I never sent it. I've since "added" to letter and have chosen to post it here because I am desperate and struggling and feeling like a FOOL...wondering what the hell is wrong with me!!!! I'm so ashamed...

Dear C
I never felt loved unconditionally by you. You didn't support me in my job, with personal relationships or family issues. EVERYTHING had to be about you...always.
I wasn't allowed to be sick or tired or have a headache or not feel like cooking. You ridiculed me, criticized me and put me down on a daily basis. I could never do anything right and you constantly compared me to your kids..."even A is a better worker than you." "# cooks better meals than you do." I was never a priority...ever!
I got yelled at for wanting to see my family at Christmas. I was told that "this" was family now and that it was time to cut the cord and grow up. I felt obligated to please you and my family so I drove from you to them every single year because you refused to go with me even though you were always invited! For years I would drive back and forth...over four hours of driving by myself on Christmas day!!!! All the while receiving messages from you about what I bitch I was for "abandoning" you and your kids. Like I said, you were always invited but you refused to go saying "that's your family...not mine!"
You are obsessed with sex and women. You kept telling me how you love my body and that you love my touch...you love ANY body!!!! You checked out women right in front of me and then denied it!! Anyone with cleavage was worth staring at in your eyes. I'm not blind!
Being at the gym together was horrible...you would tell me I wasn't working hard enough or that I wasn't getting results so my trainer must be an idiot. You say you went to the gym to be by yourself...you spent most of your time talking to the "regulars."
You even spent your (limited) time off with them too. You would go out to eat or to a bar and leave me sitting alone at the house...YOUR house!!!
You constantly reminded me of that by telling me I was merely a guest and that I had no right to talk about how things should be run. Unless of course it was to cook, clean, do laundry, grocery shop, feed the dog, run errands, drive your kids around, bring you lunch or seduce you.
You were always telling me how bored you were with our sex...that you wanted to "step things up!" All you ever said to me was "you don't know what sexy is!" "You don't know how to seduce a man." "You are so boring." "You look ugly when you come to bed." "Don't you want to please your man by wearing lingerie?"
How do you think that made me feel???!!
Every single night I either made you dinner and served it to you on the couch or I went out and picked up food. Whenever we actually went out for dinner, I paid!!! In response all I heard was "I don't care for your cooking." "You always make the same thing." "There's never any variety with you." I'd get yelled at for not buying the "right" groceries. For not buying enough of what the kids like! Hell, when # complained that I didn't buy enough fruit, I went out and got more...only to have them go rotten in the fridge!!
I got so sick of hearing "YOU must be here...the lights are on, the door is open, there's hair in the sink, the toilet paper roll is empty, there are dishes in the living room, the house is a mess blah, blah, blah!!!!"
I looked after your kids every single summer!! I gave up seeing my family and friends to babysit YOUR kids! I took them to camp, I took them swimming, I took them to the park, I took them to the beach, I took them to birthday parties and sleepovers. I picked them up from school and made them dinner. I helped them with their homework. I made their lunches each day. I went to school events. I drove them to their hockey practices and games, dance lessons and ringette games. And all you could ever say was that I didn't do enough and that I didn't know what it meant to be part of a family!!
I put your house and the mortgage in my name because you couldn't. I loaned you thousands of dollars. I ran countless business errands for you! I drove around picking up checks, dropping off workers, bringing you lunch, going to suppliers, SERVED PEOPLE COURT DOCUMENTS!!! But all I was ever told was that I didn't do enough and that I didn't know what love means!!!!!
I visited your grandmother because you were "too busy." I did the Christmas shopping and endless wrapping. I bought gifts for birthday parties. I bought most of the "stuff" when your kids had parties of their own. I DID EVERYTHING AND YOU APPRECIATED NOTHING!!!!!
I used to run out like a slave almost every night during the weekends and buy "munchies" for all of us. (Although # would accompany me sometimes). You sat at home and watched TV while I ran around buying stuff. This is usually after I either cooked dinner or bought it. Almost every Sunday morning, I made you breakfast in bed. Albeit I'm not the greatest cook in the world, but I tried! Your hurtful comments about how "gross" the eggs were or that the bacon wasn't cooked to your liking were downright mean. Kind of like the time I drove to a job site to bring you lunch and you yelled at me (in front of everyone), saying I make make "welfare sandwiches" and that I "couldn't make a decent meal if my life depended on it."
You hated the fact that I loved my dogs so much. Actually, you hated my dogs. You said you were jealous of the attention I gave them and not you. You established all kinds of rules for them...they weren't allowed on the furniture, they weren't allowed in the room while we ate because they "stared" at you, they weren't allowed in the bedroom because they "made noises." For quite some time, you didn't even "allow" them at the house. I would come to visit and I would actually leave my dogs at home!! Sometimes overnight!!! What the hell was wrong with ME??? I still can't believe I did that! You said they were annoying and that they shed too much and made a mess in YOUR house! My dogs are all under 15 pounds! You have a German Shepard!!!! When your dog needed $2500 worth of work done to relieve pain in her teeth, your response was "leave it, she's fine." Of course I paid for it.
You hated the rescue work I did with dogs. I actually stopped doing it because you said it "took away from time with the family!" How can someone get mad that their partner for doing charity work?!!!
Eight months into our relationship, we decided to sell our homes and buy one together. After both our homes sold and another was purchased, you decided you weren't quite "ready" to live with me so it was decided that I would get a smaller, less permanent place until you were "ready." And, to top it off, you charged me to store my stuff in your warehouse!!!! I still can't believe I agreed to that!
The night before YOU AND YOUR KIDS were moving into the house that I helped purchase, you kicked me out because you thought I was "being a bitch." You wanted to "relax" and watch movies with your kids before the big move the next day!!!
I had to go to my one bedroom shitty apartment on the top floor of a house with no air conditioning in 40 degree heat feeling terribly sick BECAUSE I WAS PREGNANT!!!! You knew I was pregnant and you did that to me...truly unbelievable!! I must not forget to mention the "affair" you were having at the time!!!
When I had my car accident you didn't even come to the hospital with me! You went out drinking instead. You actually walked through the front door at 11:30 with a beer in your hand!!!!
I tolerated this kind of treatment from you for many
years until YOU broke up with ME!!! After a couple months, we got back together. To my surprise, you proposed shortly after!!!!
Of course I said "yes." We set a date and booked a hall. We were both happy...for about six weeks until old patterns and behaviors came back. We didn't marry but we stayed together though...for another two years!! That's a total of FIFTEEN years spent with you! You were bitter...angry that I "ignored" things and let the wedding date come and go. As your anger grew, so did my GUILT. This guilt paralyzed me. I stayed and tried to "make it up to you" until one day though, I finally realized you will never forgive me and I will never make you happy. More importantly, I got sick of trying!
And now, here I am. We've been "broken up" for three years. (Although we continued to see each other periodically). STUPID. STUPID. STUPID. I've had other relationships during these three years. Relationships with nice men who treat me with dignity, kindness and respect. Men who don't "pressure" me for sex. Men who walk my dogs with me. Men who WANT to spend time with my loving family. Men who support me when I'm in turmoil. Men who don't constantly point out all my faults making me feel like I have to renovate my entire self. Men who are honest and loyal. Men who actually pay for dinner! Men who are appreciative of the things I do for them. (Because I WANT to do things for them)! Men who actually get me a birthday present. Men who don't expect breakfast in bed every weekend. Men who open doors for me and not let them slam in my face. Men who love that I love my dogs so much.
Yet, here I am once again...lying to my family and friends about where I go and who I see...lying to myself thinking that you've changed and that "things" could be different now. Why can't I break away from you??!!!!!!!!