Will The Narcissist Treat The Other Woman Better Than He Treated Me?

Will The Narcissist Treat The Other Woman Better Than He Treated Me?

This is one of the most frequently asked question by my clients. This question keeps many a survivor of a narcissist and psychopath up at night. I often hear: “I gave this man or woman everything I had and they claimed I was their soulmate. I was the one they wanted to spend their life with and now they are giving all the “love” which was supposed to be for me to another. I gave them all my time, money, did things sexually which I am now uncomfortable about, neglected my friends, family, career, and mostly myself to please them and they coldly left me for someone else and are now acting like I never existed. How do I manage the feeling this is bringing up inside of me? The feelings of anger, sadness, betrayal, hopelessness, and yes wanting to seek revenge, wanting both of them to feel as awful as I do now. It’s just not fair that I should be left with all this emptiness and sorrow and they should get to sail off into the sunset happy now and I don’t even get a sincere apology or a sense that I was ever cared about. “

“Will he change for her and will she now get all the love that was promised to me? How can he just walk away without a care as if I never existed? All I am left with is confusion and a strong sense that I never mattered to him at all and now I feel like I am not good enough and in his eye’s perhaps he thinks she is better than me. I can’t eat. I cannot sleep and I cannot shut off these racing thoughts in my head. I think about him and the bad times; the good times; and what they are doing together now. I feel as though I am going crazy and losing my mind over this. Help me, I cannot go on like this much longer. Please just tell me if it was me? Was I the reason the relationship did not work out and why can he love her and not me?”

The above is how most people feel in early recovery. Many are reluctant to admit to these feelings as by now most of their family and friends are just plain tired of hearing about the relationship. They don’t understand what you were doing in it in the first place. The ups and downs. The countless makeups and breakups and numerous resolves to never go back. Yet time and time again you found yourself back at square one and giving him another chance because after all he kept insisting he loved you with all his heart regardless to the fact his words did not often match up to his actions anymore as the honeymoon stage has been over for a long while. Short lived as it was, you fondly remember it as the best time of your life with anyone ever. The connection the closeness was like a dream. Now you often feel like you are in a house of horrors with no escape. Even when you are not together, he is constantly on your mind so what’s the difference?

I recall towards the end with my X narcissist we were lying in bed one evening and I was distressed as usual over his lies and general phony behavior and I was feeling sick to my stomach at the sight of him yet I did not necessarily want him to leave as the withdrawal was horrendous. By now we were well past the initial devalue and discard so he barely pretended or made any real effort to please me. I said to him, “I cannot stand to be with you or without you. It is a awful place for me to be. I just don’t know what I am going to do.” He did not even respond. I can see now he was already out the door and just waiting until new supply was firmly in place and well secured before he left. Clearly he was unfazed and had no intentions of leaving his “home base” until he was good and ready. I was on a roll so I said, “What type of man stays with someone when the person obviously wants them to leave? Why are you even still here?” He finally responds with: “I love you bebe. I will never leave you. We belong together.” I got up out of the bed and went into the kitchen and said to myself: This man is the freakin devil. I have to get him out of here. I’m sure you can imagine if you have been with a narcissist that by now this man had stripped me of everything dear to me. I had become an angry depressed shell of a person praying everyday that something would change. Either he would change and see the light or something awful would happen to him and he would not be able to come back because I had become too numb and my confidence was at a record low and I feared I did not have the energy to get him out and end it once and for all.

When you are toiling over whether or not he will treat the other woman better than you just consider this: look at what and who you were dealing with as a person. The lies- the cheating- the mind games- the cruelty- the fake promises- the endless pettiness- the rages- the double talk- the bait and switch- the confusion (cognitive dissonance)- the gas lighting- the smoke screens- the loss of your peace of mind and self respect- you get the picture. Now when you think about what you just went through with this empty soulless creature do you seriously think they are going to ultimately become someone different for someone else? The reason they have such a long string of failed relationships is because they are not capable of a real honest loving relationship. It is simply not in their DNA. Oh sure their new relationship will look great in the beginning as did yours. They will be on a new supply high like they always are and raving about their new love to anyone who will listen until -------------ta da---she crosses them and I know you know what I mean. Until she says no or she disagrees with them or doesn’t want to do something or has a problem. You know narcissists do not want to deal with your problems or your illnesses or your children’s issues and so on---oh sure in the beginning they will bend over backwards to do some serious ass kissing. This ass kissing is the glue which cements the relationship as you may recall. Remember when he could not do enough for you? Well that is precisely what he is doing for her and her family and friends. This is how he hooked you and this is how he is now hooking her. Yes it is painful to watch in some cases or to hear about and it is not easy to know your “true love” is now someone else’s “true love’ yet think about it. She is now you. She is now thinking she has met the man of her dreams and isn’t she the lucky one now. You already know he has bad mouthed you and all his other X’s so he looks like the good one- don’t even worry about that as in time she will come to see and know the “real” him.

Recently I have been seeing my XN with a new woman and this is years out. He is flaunting this one big time. The first one apparently he feels serious enough about to flaunt. He makes a point of pulling up with her when he sees my car. This has happened several times. Yes at first I found it disturbing and intrusive of my space and watching her face all lit up like a Christmas tree looks like mine once did and amazing as it is- I know who she is. Small world. I know her to be a good person and she is always pleasant and friendly to all. I find it difficult to blame her as I’m am certain she feels like she is living the life; living the dream. Sure if I did not know all I do about these “freaks” I may have been tempted to feel jealous or not like her yet I just cannot feel those things knowing him as well as I do. I know for a fact that someone as highly disturbed as he is- is NOT going to be offering her a dream life for certain. I am tempted to say to her: “enjoy it while you can because once you find out you are sleeping with the devil you are going to be devastated.” I know better now not to do this. Many tried to warn me and I was having none of that.

You see- they simply cannot keep up the charade forever they just cannot- because Mr. Right is not who they are. Deep down inside they are compelled to screw things up. Why? Because they are petty- insecure- damaged- spiteful- and they grow bored easily. They grow bored with their shiny new penny before long. I don’t care if they are with the most amazing woman in the world. Eventually she will let them down as they are easily let down and her light will grow dim in his eyes exactly as ours did. It’s a given- they cannot help themselves- they are what they are. So when you are tempted to obsess about and feel pain over whether or not he will treat the other woman better than you- just remember who and what he is and all you went through and perish the thoughts. You know better- they are a part of the grieving and letting go process. The sooner you get on board with this- the sooner you stop beating yourself with thoughts which are not true- these thoughts are not the reality of a relationship with a narcissist for you or for her.

Much love and healing. ~~Goldie~~

To speak with Goldie directly: [email protected]