When is it my turn?

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#1 Mar 29 - 12PM
omgalso
omgalso's picture

When is it my turn?

I've gone NC for 15 almost 16 months. I find that I still think of him and the mean things that he did to me in our time together. I don't miss him anymore. I do miss what positives he brought to my life but even then, his family that I used to think was so wonderful was really passive aggressive to me. The problem is that I think, still , that I did something to generate that and perhaps I did. While dogs drag their people down the street to say hello to me people are more hesitant w me so maybe some of it is me. However, I need to put that on the back burner right now.
I am profoundly sad. I work, work out, see what friends I have, I'm continuing to look for another place to live etc, so in behavioral ways I'm moving forward. The sadness at this point is that I put up with the emotional abuse that I put up with as well as the physical abuse. Some of the physical however was due to an incompetent couple's therapist and I do rest that at his door. Things that the narc said that hurt me return, images of his shrug of not caring when I told him that he could lose me, his saying that he "kept you around so that I wouldn't be angry w you for the rest of my life" screams his powers of manipulation and he didn't see it and still doesn't I assume. In between these times his manipulations to keep me around that, of course , I did not see as manipulations at the time.
I should say that I have done my psychological work and do understand why I put up w so much.
The loss that I feel is the loss of someone who I finally fully loved at age 59yo. Coming from alcoholic parents it was difficult for me to truly love someone except for him. And now that was fake. And now, I kept hanging in.
Last year I was broken hearted because he discarded me. That is until I learned from Goldie and from this site what I was dealing with in both him and in me and also in my therapy.
I hate it that I turned him on to his own therapy. He thinks it's great and he has more control of himself now and is psychologically healthier. Really? He just has more ways of being a covert narc, ie handling it better. I wish that I had not done that which would have left him forever wallowing in his own emptiness. Yes, I am that angry to wish it on him.
How do I get over the sadness of what I allowed myself to sink into. Even being originally from the South in which women learn to accommodate, work around, don't be ugly (you have to be from the South to understand that one), as well as the whole ACOA stuff. Wonderful work and insight but I'm sad. I guess it s that finally I thought I could love someone. In fact the good part is that I learned that I can love someone. Only the next one won't be a fake. Maybe that's what I need to focus on; ie my accomplishment in learning that indeed I can fully love and give myself over to another. Next time however the negatives won't be there because I won't tolerate them. Is this progress? Is it yet my turn to feel well?

Mar 31 - 3AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

We all need