A question regarding reading all about the narcissist???

This is a question presented by a concerned survivor of narcissist abuse?

"I wanted to raise a question here, more of a query. I read a lot of Sam Vaknin's work and also H.G. Tudor. They both state they are male narcissists. As narcissists are out for supply, by reading and buying their work, I feel like I am giving energy to these narcissists. I don't entirely feel comfortable with this action or am I overthinking this?
As a codependent and a emphatic, I would rather not provide consummate fuel. Or do I have this wrong?"

ANSWER:

Great question. You bring up thoughts, points, and questions which are surely on everyone's minds who have encountered the complex dichotomy of the narcissist. We all know, Narcissists actions do not match their words. We also know, narcissists do not do anything, unless there is something in it for themselves. Additionally we know, narcissism is a personality disorder which is an ingrained integral presentation of who they are, their very DNA if you will and considered by top experts to be incurable. Your personality is who you are. Traditional pharmaceutical and cognitive reasoning therapy have proven completely ineffective in treating a narcissist. Therefore the very notion, a narcissist would create a therapeutic environment in which to help victims is an oxymoron. Clearly these two men have found a niche in order to make a substantial living in regurgitating what they have learned is useful in helping victims to feel heard and understood. I have many clients who feel validated and heard by reading this type of commentary because perhaps for many it is the first time they have heard a narcissist actually admit to the atrocities of what they do to their victims and how they think and what motivates them. Many describe it as chilling and actually mind blowing. I first read Sam Vaknin years ago when there was literally nothing on the Internet regarding how a narcissist thinks and executes their diabolical meticulous breaking down of your heart and soul to eventually try to destroy you in order to gain control of your life. A narcissist does not love you, they devour you. Back then, the only information out there was provided by the DSM and that came across as clinical and did not even scratch the surface of what was being done to you as their target. More so it was about how to diagnosis a narcissist not how to understand, cope with, or heal from all the havoc and damage they created in your life. So yes, in the beginning it is a useful tool in understanding them; However, let's be clear, they are doing this for themselves not you. This is where it gets tricky and this is the most important aspect of what is vital to you and your recovery to remember: Learning about a narcissist is a small sliver of what will help you to get well and move on from this. A narcissist may be able to describe to you what they do yet, they do not know or understand you on any level. Yes, they understand how to control and manipulate you, they do not understand the real you and what you FEEL. Going to a narcissist to try to heal and gain control over your life and let go of them is like going to the hardware store for milk, it will never ever ever get you to a place where you feel empowered and have your life back. They cannot even scratch the surface of helping you to help yourself. Many I work with claim to be experts on narcissists now, they have read it all and know all about them many have spend hours, months reading all the sites, all the books, all about their dirty little secrets. They have substituted their addictions for the narcissist with a new addiction of learning everything there is to know about the narcissist. My first question upon hearing this is generally. How's that working for you? They either start crying because it's not, they still feel like crap, or they ask me, what do you mean? I go on to say, how are you feeling, how's your life going now that you have become an expert on what the narcissist does? Well it's not going well, Goldie or I would not have called you. EXACTLY!!!! Your recovery needs to be about YOU. Substituting all of those years of energy on first being with the narcissist and then second, learning about the narcissist, on learning about YOU. You need to surround yourself with the solution, not the problem. You go to the doctor for the cure, not for more of the disease, this is precisely WHY you do not feel better and why your wheels are still spinning, you are still living with the disease, not the cure, which is healing YOU. As for reading them or buying from them is supporting them? This type of thinking is still concerning yourself with them. It has been all about them for years, the new healthy thinking it to begin to learn to make this about YOU. It is not about them. If reading them or buying their books is helpful to YOU, in the beginning then you are doing it for you and how it helps them or does not help them is NOT your problem. If you are still going to forums, watching videos, buying books about THE narcissist and not about healing you months out, you have a problem. You have substituted one addiction with another, it is still all about them. I can stay this with 100% confidence, I know of no one who is still spending their precious time months out still obsessed with finding the cure for them or unlocking the mystery to them who actually "feel" better and it ready to embark on the next chapter of their life. If you are still doing this, you are most likely still obsessing about them and still for the most part bonded to them and not free from them. When I work with people I entertain their questions and confusions about the narcissist for awhile as I am an expert on them now, God knows I have heard enough about them over the past 7 years to write 10 books about them. However, I am always mindful to remind you, this is not going to help you to feel better in the long run. You see, what happens, is thinking about the narcissist becomes knee jerk. You have being doing it for so long you have most likely forgotten HOW to love yourself. You actually have to retrain your brain to have thoughts about yourself now. They have conditioned your for so long to put them first, putting yourself first now seems foreign to you. The first thing I recommend for you to do when you find yourself going on a 4 hour narcissist fact finding mission is to GET UP, turn off your device and literally force yourself to do something for you or about you, even if, you are initially still thinking about the narcissist, beginning this habit will eventually begin to create a space for you and you will find yourself buying back and owning, even if it is only 5 minutes of you, your life, eventually it turns into 10 minutes an hour and before long you are able to say, oh my God, Goldie, I have not thought about him for half a day and then a day. Yes, regaining yourself and your life after a narcissist IS possible if you allow it and make it happen.

The Two Wolves:

An old Grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a friend who had done him an injustice,

"Let me tell you a story.

I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do.

But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy.

It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die.

I have struggled with these feelings many times." He continued, "It is as if there are two wolves inside me.

One is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him, and does not take offense when no offense was intended.

He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.

But the other wolf, ah! He is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason.

He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, for his anger will change nothing.

Sometimes, it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit."

The boy looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes and asked, "Which one wins, Grandfather?"

The Grandfather smiled and quietly said, "The one I feed."

Together and Healing,
Goldie xo
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