Having difficulty with NC

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#1 Aug 4 - 2PM
4x@42
4x@42's picture

Having difficulty with NC

I have tried everything. I can honestly say I have given it my all. My best. We have been to two marriage counselors, both of whom I still see. He quit, of course. Six days ago, I went NC but I had a counseling appointment on two nights ago. I asked the marriage counselor to reach out to him to see if he would show up. He never responded. I went to the first marriage counselor on my lunch break to prepare for what I might face if he did show up. We made a plan and I felt good about it. We talked about the potential outcomes and I knew if he showed up, Plan A was in effect. If he didn't, Plan B was in effect. [By the way, I posted my story on the Share Your Story forum just prior to our counseling session to help me remember why I was there.]

He showed up. Without a wedding ring on. The significance of this is he always makes sure I am wearing my wedding ring even around the house. I've explained that when I'm cleaning or just at home, I don't need to wear it and risk losing one of the diamonds. I have assured him that everyone that lives in the house (it's me, N & my teenager from a previous marriage) knows that we are married yet I give in because it's not worth waking the sleeping bear.

I stayed silent for most of our session. I let him talk and had hoped that our time with NC would reveal to him that I mean something to him. It didn't. When the counselor asked point blank what areas he thought I need to work on, his only response was my temper. The counselor was quick to tell him that's an easy fix - don't make her angry. He still refuses (or lacks the capacity) to see how his actions are reprehensible.

After the session, I ducked into the bathroom to avoid him in the parking lot. The counselor wasn't with us now and I was emotionally raw. I gave him time to leave, but then I saw him standing at his truck waiting for me. I walked past him, got into my car and left. I was proud because I didn't think I had it in me.

He texted the next morning (yesterday) that he's had some time to think and wanted to talk. I agonized and vomited all day with mixed emotions. The second marriage counselor suggested I hear him out. He was already home from work and I decided to take off the rest of the day. I wasn't productive, anyway. I went to a public place where he couldn't block my car in (which he has a bad habit of doing). I even picked him up his favorite soft drink. Once I was there, I took a deep breath and let him know where I was if he wanted to talk. I set boundaries and said I would not respond and that I would only listen.

He texted back that he couldn't be there for at least another hour, without an explanation. I responded and said I didn't realize he had plans. He said he didn't, but he was selling one of our community assets. I was livid. I unleashed hell on him. He has no right to sell one of our assets out from under me, but I will gladly leave that to the courts. I felt sucker punched in the gut, as we have many good memories tied to this particular asset.

I got back in my car, looked in the mirror and realized how desperate I was. Now, we are back to NC and I am really struggling. I mean, REALLY struggling. No, not just really struggling, but severely struggling. I know he is toxic and I know the logical reasons for NC. There are eighteen inches between my head and my heart and the logic just gets lost.

I am devastated. I feel shattered. It's not that I have low self-esteem, it's that I feel that much love for this man and I just can't reconcile all of this in my head. It makes no sense. For all his faults, he is an amazing man and I have been so proud to be his wife. While I do not believe he is a "full blown" Narcissist, I (along with both our therapists) believe he does exhibit many of the elements. So maybe he is not as hollow as I think he is.

*So here's my question ... what is the formula for accelerating the Path Forward?*

I'm ready to feel better. I can't function - a product of all the vomiting, weight loss, no eating and lack of sleep. I am a business owner and the last thing I need to do is to have my company fail because I can't be productive. But it's difficult when your heart is ripped out of your chest. I am displaced from a home that I have owned for 12+ years (he won't leave without a court order & I'm waiting on a hearing date to be set) and raised my children. Not to mention my baby (well, he is 17) has gone to live with his dad while this is happening. I'm staying with a girlfriend, whom I love dearly, but there's no place like home. And, by home, I mean living in the house with HIM. UGH!!!!

Jan 4 - 12PM
thetreble84
thetreble84's picture

The physical pain you are