napoli13's story

I went out with a beautiful, intelligent & articulate woman for about one year. When we met, she spoke almost exclusively about herself, and almost all of it was complaining about various people and issues. However, she was so articulate and pretty, & I derive so much self esteem from being able to listen empathetically to people that I thoroughly enjoyed our date.

She went to her car without making any move to give me even so much as a handshake. Given that I thought we had connected well, I was dumbfounded. I meekly asked her if I could have a hug. She agreed and hugged me. Between my begging for a hug, my willingness to let her completely dominate the conversation, as well as my dating profile which basically communicated that I am guileless and extremely forgiving, I no doubt presented as the perfect victim for my narc.

She did the love bombing thing with great skill indeed. She was very worried about my weight. I was about 30 pounds heavier than my profile pics [yes, shame on me, I know !]. She also knew I had problems with severe fatigue. She bought a whole bunch of stuff to help me develop a healthy lifestyle and gain more energy. Isn't that sweet ? She was always on me to workout, but she was sweet about it. Later in the relationship [about 4 months in], she stopped initiating sex with me. She would please me every night in some way [yes, I considered myself extraordinarily fortunate for that at the time !], including intercourse sometimes, but she never seemed turned on by me. She would never kiss me or look me in the eyes during our intimate encounters. Eventually I kept pressing her on it [she would usually blow me off and get angry at me for even bringing up that subject !!], and she claimed it was my weight. I thanked her for honesty, but was still a bit hurt. She said other hurtful things, including telling me about a supposed dream she had that was a very crude manner of communicating something critical about a certain part of my anatomy. Very cruel woman.

It became clear that she did not like me talking about my feelings, especially re concerns of mine re the relationship. She would get quite angry and would often accuse me right back of the same things I was accusing her of. When I called her on yelling at me [which in fairness, she did rarely, but when she did it was very explosive], she said that she was not going to be my Stepford girlfriend and that repressing anger causes health problems.

She would often walk several feet [including one time getting a good 100 foot start on me while her child & I were exiting the car] ahead of me in situations where any normal person would wait for me.

She enjoyed it when people who had pissed her off had heartache or distress thrust upon them, even if not by her efforts.

But she told me she loved me, she texted me the sweetest texts, she cuddled with me quite lovingly at night, and I was hopelessly attracted to her.

A few months in, she said she wanted to buy a home together. I set a timeline that was rather far off, and she agreed, although she also expressed her sadness that we would be waiting so long. A few months later, she said that she wanted that timeline moved up quite significantly. However, she did not want to sell her home to pay her share. She gave several reasons, none of which held up to even the slightest degree of logical scrutiny. She couldn't keep her story straight about her financial status. The red flags were now practically draped around face such that I finally had to cease my magical thinking that perhaps she just was so desperate to make a life with me.

She did offer to sign a prenup, but moving in together would have triggered other legal consequences for me which a prenup would NOT prevent. If it didn't work out between us [and given that she's a narc, it wouldn't have], the financial consequences would have been disastrous for me. I have a very high paying job, but my financial obligations from my first marriage [which I don't begrudge] combined with the additional ones that would be caused by implementing her plan would be crippling.

Eventually I came clean about my concerns and said that I wouldn't be buying a home with her anytime soon and that I would be spending fewer nights at her place, also for legal concerns. At first she okay although she seemed disappointed. I was thrilled ! Maybe she really loves me, and loves me enough to continue the relationship on my terms ! She told me she was hurt that I don't trust her, and she said some things, quite passionately, in order to assuage my legal concerns. One thing she told me in particular to gain my trust was something that I was able to prove indisputably false. I knew that if what she claimed so passionately was correct, then applying a very simple mathematical formula to other known facts about the situation that she had let slip many months ago would produce a certain result. It did not produce that result. It produced a result that proved her to be lying in an attempt to alleviate my legal concerns.

Our last three days & nights together seemed fine. We went for walks, hand-in-hand, joked around together, and we did have some intimacy, although on this front she was a bit skittish in retrospect. She had started hiding her phone. She claimed that this was to ensure that her kids didn't play with it, but it was freakin' password protected. I told her on our last night that if we were going to continue the relationship, I wanted it to be exclusive. She told me she was always monogamous, but the sirupy tone to her voice when making that pronouncement creeped me out. I mentioned that I didn't want her just scouting out other men as a plan B in the meantime, and she gave the most nervous laugh I have ever witnessed.

We texted back and forth and had one more phone conversation. She let her mask slip and seemed less than enthused about coming over to my place the following Friday overnight. However, she made up for that with a sweet text a few minutes later.

The next night, she texted me that I had said somethings recently that had upset her so much that she couldn't even have our nightly phone call. She wouldn't answer my calls. She called me the next morning and said that we are going in different directions that she is breaking up with me. She wanted to be friends. I said I would think about it. Fortunately, I had done much research on narcissism by that point, and I knew that she had toyed with her last boyfriend [getting back with him, but still clearly going out on the town to pick up, or at least give him that impression to him just for a delicious mind f*ck], so I said no. We have never seen each other again, and I have blocked her on my phone & email account.

There were red flags so much earlier. When I cancelled a date for a special occasion [many months in advance, but I was being inconsiderate...I was trying to keep the peace on another front....I own up for being thoughtless to her on this issue !!], she said she understood my reasoning on my phone, but then sent me a text saying how hurt she was [entirely fair, and I apologized profusely, as well I should have] she went on to say that she would find a good party to go to instead. The implication was clear that she was threatening to pick some man up that night, which for her would be like shooting fish in a barrel, as she is strikingly beautiful and very seductive.

I was very sweet to her & her kids. We laughed so much together. I would have been a terrific life partner for her. I just don't understand how someone can so blatantly use someone, make them fall in love with them, and yet transition so quickly, so secretively and so callously to someone else [not confirmed, but pretty freakin' obvious].

I can barely get to sleep at night. I get no joy from anything. I am having trouble concentrating at work, and with my line of work, that is very problematic. I am no fun to be around anyone. I am crushingly lonely. I feel so ugly and undesirable. Fortunately, it has been only two weeks so far, but I cannot envision regaining any shred of self-esteem or any shred of trust towards women when I eventually venture back out into the dating jungle.

I feel like I need to take a Silkwood shower to cleanse myself of her nastiness !

Thank you very much for your patience in reading this lengthy treatise ! :)