He's a narc who cut me deep.

Angry post

Okay, this is a venting post because I did things that I'm not proud of but couldn't help it. So here goes...Today marks 75 days of total silence from me. His last contact to me was two days ago, Friday, out of the blue, through a mutual friend. Everything he does is calculating so I knew he had a message for me.Trigger! And here we go...the spins! How I managed to make it through work these past few nights, I'll never know. I have a 45 min drive to work, which was lethal because it's just me and my thoughts in the car, so of course I'm obsessing right now. I needed to figure out why, why, why? It took me two days to put all the pieces together of why he called her. He used the medical stuff to to open the door to mention my name. And ask questions about me. He also told my friend that he is seeing someone. He told her he wasn't sure about her but he's going to give it a go. BUT he thinks of me "often". ALL LIES. Aghhh!! I know him better than anyone. If his lip are moving, he's says the complete opposite of his actions. One look at her and I knew exactly why he "messaged me". He didn't need to, but felt he had to anyway, to hurt me. If he truly wanted me out of his life, then I wouldn't have "heard" from him. But noooo...he HAD to call my closest mutual friend knowing for sure that she would relate everything he said. He wanted me to know. And because he's moved on, he thinks I should too. Makes me sick to stomach right now.

I knew this day would come. I knew one day I would find out about a new woman in his life. Spinning thoughts have been rolling around in my head, jumbled and chaotic all weekend. Why? Why? Why wasn't I ever good enough? For years and years, I've been asking this question, and he has always said that my teeth were too yellow, he smokes too much when I around, our dinner portion sizes are too large (we most always cooked at home). and I didn't work out correctly. Over and over, every time we broke up, he would recite this same list. It didn't used to bother me so much because I've always known he's shallow from day one. I just wouldn't contact him anymore, be polite when he did call, and go about my own life. However, during the love bombing stage he captured my heart, and there was no turning back from there. He had me, Now it just seems impossible that I'll ever to get over him. I desperately want to go back to when I didn't love him. When I could shake off his crap. This.Hurts.So.Much.