This work is more difficult that I had anticipated

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#1 Mar 12 - 8PM
omgalso
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This work is more difficult that I had anticipated

I came on this website to give and get support for getting over my narc while learning more about what they are, what they do, and the trail of tears they leave behind. The process of this exploration has taken me not only to learn about what I was with for years but to begin to look at my part of the dance. I'm not saying that I caused him to X. I'm saying to myself why did I stay and take the physical and emotional abuse and take it for so long. My journey is just beginning I now realize.
I want to share what are disconnected thoughts with you and hopefully help someone else.
Before he left, and one reason I did not want to give him up is because with him I am a funny (not odd) person. We laugh a lot; it feels good and good natured. We enjoy one another's humor. I'm not funny without him. That part of myself vanished and I have, in these last weeks of NC, become somber with a sense of hopelessness about a future changing for the better regards my outlook. In reading re Narc's and the dance I did with mine, I've been trying to put my finger on what this feeling is since it feels familiar. Today, I realized that it is the feeling that I had as a teenager growing up in essentially a single parent (narc alcoholic mother) home. I remember so very clearly, this same feeling. This is the first look at my dance with him, clearly trying to rectify that old scenario, to somehow rescue my Self with no one to turn to because they wouldn't understand. After all, she worked daily, kept the house, chatted with the neighbors and it all looked good on the outside. After work, however, she'd let me watch tv while eating dinner; she'd be at the kitchen table reading the paper. And then the nightmare started with her drinking, every night. Different accusations - none of which were true - different moods sometimes wanting hugs which made me want to vomit; different degrading remarks about me and different jealousies of me. The next morning it was if nothing had happened! My head spun! The pattern with the narc: no one to turn to because they wouldn't believe me; looking great on the outside; he was sober but still the accusations, not true, mood shifts for no reason, degrading remarks. Close enough. Clearly I was trying to right old wrongs. I'm not sure yet what to do with the insight but I only got it today so I'll be with it, let it settle and likely end up feeling better, don't know.
I started writing "My Story". I'm writing it on my computer first with the hope I can just cut and paste, but that's irrelevant. I thought I'd do that pretty quickly since I could remember the facts important to me and get that part over. Not so much. Certain paragraphs about the abuses I took I had to abandon for awhile: too painful. I got into the middle of talking about one abuse after the other physical and degrading remarks and was so upset I had to put it aside. That was last week and yet, I'm not ready to return to it. I will but it takes much more time than I had anticipated.
Sometimes, I remember the good times. I will miss so very much of our good life together. Part of that is because he's engaged with so many people (feeding) that I was invited along. We used to say that he knew how to bring people into our lives and I knew how to keep them (now I know I was the genuine one and he the shell). I now find that many people I thought were my friends no longer speak with me nor care about me but were and are patrons of his. I also realized durng these NC weeks that I want to cry but can't. I want to miss him like I did on so many of our breakups before he came back. I would sob, sometimes holding my stomach bent over sobbing on my knees on the floor the pain was so bad. I can't cry anymore or hopefully not yet. I can't cry because for the first time I've realized that even if he came back I could never take him back. It's sick to me that I tolerated physical abuse.
What he did this time however was emotional: the last four months before this breakup were the happiest I'd ever had with him. He spontaneously told me he loved me; we were getting along better than every; my problem of jealousy had vanished (a long story that's too complicated for here) but I told him it was such a relief for me to trust him since he's the first man I could trust who didn't go behind my back with another woman. He replied "I'm honored by your trust and am glad the jealousy is gone". His nephew is graduating from college this year. This is the only 20 something I have in my life and I love this young man. My narc knows it's important to me to go to the graduation and promised me of course I'd go! What he did this time was: bait me to get into an argument with him so that he could break up with me.(he later told me this) It didn't work however, the talk was really positive; he saw another woman behind my back which he eventually told me about ie targeted my most vulnerable issue; and when I asked re the graduation he replied that he'll "go to it with whomever I'm with or if I'm not with someone I'll go alone". You don't take the younger generation away when it's the only member of that generation a person has in her life.
So somehow those moral violations mean more to me than the physical abuse. I won't give him a change to intentionally set up those hurts ever again. And Oh! he told me we were getting along so well because he was "only thinking about you in the here and now. I like your company but I wouldn't stake my life with you". All done with him. I feel macheted in half.
So to help me when I feel weak and really miss him? The last time he was at my house he brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers: lilliums, roses and other pretty flowers. I put them in a clear vase on my kitchen table. That was in January. They're still on the kitchen table. The water in the vase has evaporated and you can imagine the flowers! Everytime I miss him I look at that dead bouquet and remind myself that's who he is. It really helps and I go on with my day at least at that point. I gain strength from his dead flowers!
Thank you all for taking the time for this. I feel better

Mar 14 - 8AM
Used
Used's picture

Omgalso

Mar 13 - 8AM
spinning
spinning's picture

omgalso! Fantastic work!

spinning

Mar 13 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
ladylilly
ladylilly's picture

Very good indeed

Mar 13 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
omgalso
omgalso's picture

Thank you so much!!

Mar 13 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
ladylilly
ladylilly's picture

Oh and by the way,

Mar 14 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
omgalso
omgalso's picture

The families are the same!