I am back here again... I am so mad at myself and ashamed and hurt.

Ok here goes.... I went back. AGAIN. I don't know if it was the miscarriages ( I miscarried with our twins in November ) or if it was his constant manipulation or if it was being so afraid of being in the unfamiliar pain of being alone that I allowed him to do this rollercoaster all over again. I am taking responsibility for letting it happen again.... But I am in so much pain for it now... Quick catch up......About a month and a half ago we were living together still. He got new job and had to go to corporate training ( only 30 mins from our house ) He decided that for 2 of those nights he would stay in a hotel that the company offered....even though it was only 30 mins away. It seemed strange and I told him I was uncomfortable. the first night he told me he would be back from his corporate dinner by 9 pm ( I couldn't understand why on earth he wasn't coming home if he would be done by 9 and he was 30 mins away).... Anyhow he said he would call at 9 when he got back to the hotel. I tried calling him from 9pm-11pm and his phone was going straight to voicemail. ( later he said it died but who really knows) Anyway I get a call from him at midnight and he is drunk yelling at me that he did nothing wrong and I was crazy...I told him that I didn't want to do this kind of relationship anymore and I moved in with my parents.... I got a therapist that specializes and started talking and writing ..... I was feeling strong for 2 weeks and than I lost my job...I was feeling vulnerable and the ex was still continuing to call and I eventually caved in .... So for the past 2 weeks I agreed to see him and not date other people and "work" on things. (Jesus I feel like such an idiot when I write it all out) Anyhow, I said I wouldn't live with him anymore but we could date and see where things go. He took me on a date and was his old charming loving self ( well false self) The next day I felt strange in my gut so I checked his Facebook. Low and behold he was talking to another girl and had made plans with her to take her on a date. I was so hurt and angry and told him to get his shit out of my house ( he had been living there while I moved back home ) ugh I cant believe I let that one happen either. OF COURSE he turned this around on me saying that he was unclear of what I wanted and because I wasn't staying with him every night that he was hurt and that he did nothing wrong because I was vague.... I wasn't vague I was honest about needing space and time to try to figure things out and take things slow. He said he loves me and wants only me blah blah blah blah.... fucking blah. He also yelled saying I broke up with him for no reason....there were sooooooooooooo many reasons but he had to turn things back around and shift blame for his behavior. I get it all now. Ive done the research and the reading... I immediately reached out the my therapist last night and had a 2 hour session. I was feeling stronger today but than he called 8 times and was saying that he loves me and this is all my choice and we can go back to the way things were and everytime I tried to address or confront an issue he went into a storm of whos right and blaming me for the breakup and not caring about his daughter (PS he never once did her laundry ect....I did so much for his toddler...esp since I had just miscarried and it was hard to be around kid's for a while).... anyhow I am embarrassed cause he kept twisting things and I ended up yelling at him and telling him he is a narc and that I hated him and than I was crying..... basically a confused mess... so I came here...re read the stories.... and I am feeling better. I am about ready to block his number but I am so deep in the cog dissoriance that I am questioning myself....it is crazy that I am even questioning myself.... but heres where I am at. I know this is long and thank you for reading.... I am in a bad place right now and so scared of feeling lonely and my mind is spinning thinking am I making the right choice by blocking his number and than back to feeling like I am ashamed for even questioning myself.... anyway just writing a bunch... Thank you for listening