For anyone struggling- please read

I haven't posted for a long time. I am still processing what happened to me, in fact I think I am only just being able to process it properly now, removed from the situation, and I still cry- but for me, for what I went through. Not for my husband, the N. I cannot believe who I became as a result of his abuse.
BUT what I want to say is this:
I am HAPPY. REALLY TRULY HAPPY. If you are struggling right now, weeping because you miss him, feeling you still love him despite his horrible behaviour, breaking contact, letting him debase or abuse you, as I did, not really seeing a way out, I was there. I was at absolute rock bottom.I was desperate, I thought I would never be able to love again. I clung on to members of this site telling me there was a better life, that life was good once I had put the work in, to trust others who had walked the path before. I joined Goldie's support group. I had one to one's with her after I broke no contact and was horribly abused again. I went to private therapy once a week. Yes, I read loads about Narcissism at first, but I also bought loads of books, and identified my husband's awful behaviour and realised that it wasn't just that he was an N, he was abusive and would always be, that he could never change, that the way he was was rooted deep in his belief patterns, that he was a misogynist.

And it was just as others said it would be- gradually, gradually, I started to focus more on myself (even though I didn't want to at first, I wanted it all to be about him). The things I learned in Goldie's group began to start making sense and I began to make connections. I disentangled things with my therapist-I saw the hooks from my past that kept me in my marriage- and there were loads. I went on holiday and spent my time working on the things Goldie had highlighted as relevant to me.

And that's when it all changed. I began to see him, and realise exactly what kind of 'love' I was clinging on to. I was able to implement proper no contact despite increasingly ridiculous messages from my husband to try to regain control. I began to feel disgusted, and a little bit angry. I began to feel my freedom. I began to be who I used to be.

8 weeks ago, I met somebody amazing. I didn't mean to- but I did. And I feel like I am on the brink of a kind of love I have never ever had before. The crazy addictive horrible 'love' I had with my husband, which I thought was everything, was NOTHING compared to the slow sweet unfolding of this relationship, with deep kindness and connection. It has taken my breath away. How could I have been so easily fooled by what I experienced before? I thought THAT was love? Cruelty, abuse, debasement, control? I realise how trapped and futureless I felt with my husband. Now I feel I could do anything.

Don't be fooled. There IS an amazing life out there. You WILL get there. I am so very happy sometimes that I am overwhelmed and cry. I am finally moving on. I still suffer from flashbacks and am dealing with the consequences of having been in an abusive relationship, I am still in therapy and working on myself but I am also excited about facing hidden pain and healing myself, slowly, becoming as much as I can be. My life has so much promise.

If you are in pain, and feeling stuck and desperate, please have heart. You can get over this horrible horrible relationship and have peace and happiness. I was so desperate and so lost. Join Goldie's group/ find a therapist/ read everything you can. If you want to know the names of the books I read or anything at all, please message me. There is a better life, I promise! I can't believe how excited I am about my future. Thank you so much to everybody who shared their story and everyone who replied to my posts- you really held me up when I was desperate. And a big, big thank you to Goldie.