My attraction to narcissists has escalated, but I must end it now!

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#1 Jan 6 - 8AM
ReeceC
ReeceC's picture

My attraction to narcissists has escalated, but I must end it now!

Hi. I'm ending marriage number THREE. To be brief, my first marriage was to an addictive and condescending person. I has four kids with him. My second marriage ended after adoption of two children, and because I couldn't live with the way my children felt in our home. This man has recently admitted he was narcissistic and has actually apologized and is trying to change. My third marriage has crumbled over the past few months. I'm having the worst time getting over it. Here's how it went in a nutshell: I was divorced, had my 6 children, lived in the same town as my X's and had a great job, a home, a car, and no debt. Along came B. He was so incredibly charming. He talked of romance and giving each other so much every day, and growing old together. He showered me with compliments, and was SOOO passionate. I was swept off my feet! After 4 months, we moved in together. I thought this was a good way to avoid another bad marriage; we would get to know each other more fully. He had visions of "being a great parent to my kids and giving them the strict stability they needed". There were warning signs. He had this intense need to be RIGHT. He talked about himself and how great he was constantly. BUT, he also seemed to think me and my kids were great. I did break up a few times, but he always came groveling back with all the right things to say; and the sex was AMAZING! It was almost something I could NOT say no to! I had never felt so adored. The fact that he'd cheated multiple times on his first wife and was a swinger with his second made me nervous about fidelity. But he convinced me he was honest about it and had changed and hat the sex and relationship between is was so amazing he'd never want anything else. We ended up getting married. So, now it was us, his 3 kids, and my 5 (my oldest and his youngest lived elsewhere). He convinced me that we needed a neutral living space...that was OURS, not the home I'd bought. His credit sucked, so we bought a new big beautiful home with my credit, and put both our names on it. He was so proud of this house. It was the first time is seen any sort of "vanity" but it was almost embarrassing that he'd want to give everyone a tour. He then told me he wanted me to quit my job and be more available to the kids. I was a little worried because he had so much debt. But I did long to give my kids more attention. We had a few issues with kids. He kept insisting that if I were more strict, things would get better. I always bent to what he wanted. In the meantime, the sex kept us glued. Every day, sometimes multiple times a day. He started talking about "swinging" because he wanted to fulfill fantasies together. I considered it. We even met a few people...but never did anything with them. I couldn't wrap my head around doing that and living our religion...which teaches total monogamy. He didn't seem to mind. He then lost his job, and was traveling 5 hours to work. He'd be gone 3-4 days and home 3-4. We longed to be together and he said he wanted to spend more time with kids. I quit my job, we moved to his job. I stayed home in order to home school my youngest (the older kids were in a home study charter school) in order to allow them to see their dads more often. He was extremely strict with kids. I told him that he may get a better response if he's spend as much time building a relationship as he did correcting them. He wanted to control so many little details that didn't matter to me, but he seemed to think were important in forming responsible adults (we couldn't use the dishwasher, had to wash immediately by hand, couldn't scrape the knife off inside the peanut butter jar, of a light was left on he was so angry, etc). It began to wear on me and my children. And he felt he was being disrespected. He would blame their lack of perfection on their dads not being as strict and consistent as we were. He didn't spend any more time with us than he had in the previous city. He was always at "meetings" or sleeping (working a night shift) Then my X got behind on child support. He was resentful and became distant. One day is said "I can't control my children or my X. I don't know what you want aside from me leaving or getting a job". He said "both!" So...I told my kids we were leaving. (Probably premature...but there was a lot of baggage behind it). We had nowhere to go. He ended up Moving to the other room, and said he was considering going back to his first wife, not because he loved her but because it was easier and best for his kids. I kept my distance for a few days and told him to decide. I then took him to counseling and asked what he wanted. Begay he was so unhappy suddenly. He was angry and hateful. He said "I'm 90% done here, but I just won't parent! Her kids are disrespectful and she makes excuses for them. I just won't parent!" I said that was fine if he wasn't resentful about how i parented. Well...it didn't really work. He would complain to me about how kids did or said things. I was caught in the middle. I repeatedly said "I don't mind you parenting. Please parent when you see the need. Just also spend time building relationships". I always got why his way was right, and effective and mine was wrong. Then one day, I decided to look at his phone bill to check for any "infidelity" as I felt he had suddenly changed and checked out. I found texting to several unknown numbers. I called a couple of them....women. One of which was a 19 year old call girl with a website advertising cheap sex. I confronted him and he denied it until he realized I had proof. Then...there was a quick (over text) "It was stupid. I'm sorry. I was angry and it was an immature way to get back at you....now let me tell you all the reasons I was compelled to so that because you've been so horrible to me". It was His response that I couldn't live with. Minimized and blamed it on me. He was angry that I said he "was soliciting other women". Apparently that was an exaggeration and I was paranoid and insecure. I left to take my kids to see their dads for Christmas and called it a "separation" He had moments of missing me. But not ONCE did he ask for a face to face conversation or say he wanted to work on his part of this. It was all focused on how hard it had been on him to try and parent children with no support, and how he felt I wasn't on his side, and I needed to look at my sort in why he did what he did...and how he'd checked out a long time ago. HE wanted a divorce...since he was caught red handed and I would never trust him again and would hold it over his head forever (I never said or indicated that). So...fast forward to now. I moved out. Back to near my kids fathers. He gives me glimpses of "I still love you. This is making me sick". But quickly goes back to how awful our marriage was, and how I wasn't willing ton look at MY part. I even emailed my x husbands asking what they thought were my faults. I drug HIM to counseling trying to fix things. What has he done or admitted???? Nothing. But I can NOT let the thought of reconciliation go! Why?! He has this hold on me...I remember the good times (only 3 months ago) when he thought I hung the moon. The sex was amazing....and he thought I was amazing. But seeing his reaction to all of this and looking back...I'm sure he has a lot of narcissistic qualities. It's all about him. He's always right. He needs to control. Etc. Anyway....I need to belt go somehow and NOT find myself with the same type of man! Right now, I'm solely focusing on my kids and ME. But I'm scared and lonely.

Jan 7 - 7AM
ReeceC
ReeceC's picture

It's not that black and white

Jan 7 - 11AM (Reply to #6)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Actually it is

Jan 6 - 11AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Sounds like your head is in a spin

Jan 7 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
spinning
spinning's picture

Reece, it was not

spinning

Jan 6 - 8AM
ItsFinallytime
ItsFinallytime's picture

Hi Reece, welcome to the

Jan 6 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
spinning
spinning's picture

Hi, ReeceC, and welcome

spinning