I feel strong, weak, relieved, destroyed, calm, sad, betrayed and almost free

I am reading Lisa's book and have got to the part where she has given a writing assignment to share my story. As I made tea and sat down I started going through in my head chronological events, and now I cannot wait to write this down as I think I will be a bit shocked at the pattern. (I have been trying to convince myself M was not a narcissist, ever since another man told me he was - back in August).

I met M online, in a dating place. He was one of a few I was talking to, ended up being one of two I chose to meet up with in real life. He was the funny one, the one I bantered with and teased - we flirted for about six weeks and then he asked me if I was seeing anyone else. I was and I told him, not having sex with either of them though. He said that he was too but that we should come off the dating site, I should tell the other dude I was seeing that it was not happening any more and we should give each other and exclusive a go. I was quite surprised, delighted, but surprised, it seemed a quick jump. But I did that and was just like, OK why not?!! (He later insisted it was me that made this suggestion, until I proved it with his texts). As it turned out I slowly wheedled out of him over the following days, that he had actually been seeing a girl for a year until that point, but dumped her for me, he said they had an open relationship anyway. Plus he was seeing another woman but that was just casual. Anyway - he shut those down and we met up for a drink.

We were just having a nice time and talking about sexual things and obviously that our relationship would progress that way. He asked me if I would be tested for him, to make sure I had nothing dodgy. I was again surprised but was like, OK sure why not, how responsible - I did not ask him to, nor did he offer, and I thought that was a bit weird. But in those days I was just like, well, maybe he tests himself regularly. It took 6 weeks for the results to come back as clear, and during that time we were intimate but never full blown sex. This meant that we became very close very quickly, because sex is sex, but intimacy is far more seductive.

By this time he was more or less living with me, loving me, dancing in the kitchen with my kids, doing everything I could hope for in a man. Those were idyllic days, and he rarely left me except when I had to work. He only worked at the weekends.

The first time I felt that shock and fear was after he had been at my house for a few days, and he left to go home to get some stuff. He had been on my laptop and left a tab open on Sporty Singles. I sent a photo of my screen and sent it to him with a suitable message and told him to never come back. He phoned immediately and begged and pleaded, gave me his password and said to go and look, it was just a message and he was just curious. I did not go in to check obviously, I was seeing stars I was so thrown. But he turned around and came straight back to my house and spent the next few days winning me back.

A month or so after this we were in bed and he stopped and held me and said that he had to tell me something. I lay very still in his arms dreading the 'other woman' convo, but it was a very long story about his life, and his ex gf with whom he has two kids. They all live in Chile. He told me all about their relationship, the separations and reconciliations - and he dropped into the conversation that he was moving to Chile at the end of the year to be with the kids. (Later it transpired that until this point his ex thought that he was coming back to her too). I was just devastated, I was definitely falling in love with him, and I thought he was with me too. I slept-ish on the sofa and the next morning he had to go see his friend. He kept saying that there would be a way for us, we would find a way. I could not see a way. He came back telling me of his long conversations with his friend that day, and he said that he loved me, he could not bear to see me this sad, and that we would find a way. That he would not go this year anyway, only to visit. He would come back.

From now on I am only going to mention the 'events' not the in between bits. The in between bits are just him and me having a relationship.

The second time he struck me dumb with his madness was when we all went to a friend's house for a BBQ. It was the first time I had introduced him to anyone and the kids were with us, it was exciting. He was very late back and had the car, so I was having to tell my friends later and later. By the time he got home we had to go straight away. He had not eaten and this was a recipe for disaster (I know now, but then I did not know this). He was a quiet fuming storm in the car on the way there, but I thought he would be fine once we got there and we could sort it out later. In fact we walked in, I introduced him to my friends, and he said nothing just went and sat at a table in the garden by the BBQ. He was monosyllabic if anything when people spoke to him, and I was saying that he just needed food. Food was taking a LONG time. It was horrific. We were all going on to another party afterwards, and he drove us all there, stopping at McDonald's without a word to get himself something to eat. At the second party he walked in with his tea, glowered at everyone until I just gathered my children and we left. In the car on the way back I tore into him - something I cannot believe now that I did! Oh those days of innocence. He was not at all ashamed, thought it was perfectly fine because he was hungry and it was my fault he was hungry. He shouted and shouted at me, at one point pulling over to shout at me more. I can't remember what he said, I just remember shutting down inside. The next day I asked my eldest whether I was going mad or whether I was making sense and he was talking rubbish. She said that he was just being a d*ck and yes of course I was right. She never liked him again after that, he stopped talking to her too - so that was fun.

After this things were a bit broken. I became slightly obsessive over feeding him to avoid the crazy or the sullen silence - he liked this most of the time, sometimes he told me off for fussing. He started reading a lot about love and relationships, philosophy and spirituality (I am Buddhist). He would make lists for us, I would have to write things down that we would do, so would he. We would then take it in turns to do something on our lists. He started to complain that everything was about me. He stayed less at my house, insisting I went to his, which was not a house anyway he lived in a room in his Dad's house. It was a pit. He said we did more things on my list so I would go out of my way to make sure we hit his list, even sacking off stuff I was committed to doing so I could do something for him. He started to feel empty and I started wanting to fill him up. Firstly with food, then I started buying him books that he would love. I had to go to New York for work and I took endless photos for him for his Instagram. I bought him gifts I knew he would love. But I was starting to feel very alone. He was endlessly talking about new businesses, random ones, where he would end up being very rich and famous - but they were all doomed to failure, he would start enthusiastically then quickly it would fizzle out. It started to change. He stayed at mine less, gave me less attention, wanted more from me - proof of my commitment by leaving my kids etc to come to him. Being upset if I had to go back to them. When he came to me he would be silent and just take over the bits of the house he wanted to. I told him that he could not just lock himself in my study all the time, it was where I had to work, and what was the point of him coming over if he did that. He stopped coming over really after that time, except on occasions when he was feeling benevolent - said that I did not understand how awful it made him feel to be reminded all the time that it was not his house.

At this point I was in a very very stressful time at work, I run my own business and we have a massive event in the middle of every summer. It was coming up to then, and I kept warning him that it was going to be massively stressful for me, and I would likely be a bit of a nightmare. He said that he had plenty to do so not to worry. Just before I left to go he did two things, firstly he took me to a design show that was rammed full of people, to go meet his friend. Then he abandoned me for hours. I remember feeling then that I was feeling very lonely in this relationship. Then a day or so later, he was at mine and wanted to go to the cinema. The LAST thing I needed was to go to the cinema, it was a film I did not want to watch, I was exhausted and my massive event was days away. I had people working all night, but he was pretty insistent. We went. I stayed awake, tried to enjoy it, then we left and I went back to working. He said something like, "I admire you for coming to that, you were knackered and busy, thank you. I would NEVER do that for you!!" That was my first experience of being emotionally lifted up then thrown away.

The rages started around then too. Just sudden mad shouting, usually in the middle of the night, with the children overhearing, and he was scary when he shouted, and never made any sense.

I went away for a week to run the event, on the way in the car I saw that he had posted on FB a siding of some strippers, and was like: Who wants to come with me here? I was really cross because I was like, how can you put something like that up on FB when you know I am going to see it and be upset by you doing that whilst I am away. I was over sensitive then, tbh and super stressed. So we had a huge row and I told him to get all of his stuff out of my house. He did that when I was away doing my event, and this was the first time I remember feeling really empty and destroyed, but also that my entire focus was on him instead of this amazing thing I was pulling off. I started to panic about kicking him out. I started to feel like I was obsessing. It was at this point that my friend called M a narcissist, said it was typical behaviour. I googled it but could not see that he fit the criteria... then. We were no longer Facebook friends and over the following weeks he cut me out of all social sharing places and fell silent about me in public.

When I got back, life was chaos. Work was chaos, finances were chaos and he was my only focus, my only source of strength or stability so I begged him back, and agreed to a list of terms. He was definitely not giving very much by this point. We went to counselling once, he was very keen on doing that, I am not sure why. We went and the counsellor spent the hour with us, she seemed to start to be a bit critical of M, questioning him which made me nervous because I thought he would be angry with her and not accept some of the things she was saying. but then I mentioned Chile, and I said there was no point anyway because he was moving to Chile. She was baffled by that, and asked a load of questions, then recommended weekly sessions for us. He refused to go again. Said that we were clever enough to work stuff out for ourselves.

He took me to a wonderful BBQ at his cousin's house, introduced me to everyone, all of his family, held my hand and stayed with me the whole time. I was so happy again, to feel that moment with him. To feel him claiming me again, in front of his family. On the way home from that, he started talking about marriage. I bantered a bit with him about it and we started talking about people in his family. I felt like maybe we had overcome a period of difficulty, and now it was going to be OK.

For my birthday he surprised me with tickets to Pharrell concert and danced with me and kissed me and made me feel a million dollars and so loved.

In between there would be sudden rages about crazy things. Sullen silences. He started to not always want to have sex, which was just weird.

I knew he was coming up to going to Chile to visit time, and that was causing some stressy behaviour. So I forgave a lot of it, and thought it is fine we will work this out when he gets back.

We had a terrible time on the way to a talk I was giving. He wanted my car to take his Dad somewhere, so I said fine if he dropped me off on the way. He drove there in silence, straight to his Dad's, I was making small talk and trying to keep the car atmosphere light (he was in one of his thunderous moods) then I realised he was not taking me to my talk, I asked him why and he said something like he assumed I would tell him where I wanted him to drop me (I had already) but that in the meantime he was just getting on with his day, in my car. I exploded I am afraid and within about 30 seconds I told him I never wanted to see him again and that I was going to get rid of all his stuff. He turned the car around to drive home to get his stuff, but I was due to be speaking to 600 school kids in 20 minutes, so I had to stop him. I grabbed my phone and threatened to call the police. He grabbed my phone off me and I started yelling. He pulled over eventually and stormed out of the car.

I drove off with my head spinning and shaking with the verbal violence that had exploded in him and then also me, I NEVER do that. I went and bought cigarretes and smoked about 3 to calm down before my talk. Which I did.

I cannot honestly remember how we came back from that one, but we did, both slightly more broken. Oh yes, role play. We role played our way out of it and had amazing sex, then we had a couple days before he flew to Chile. In those days we went dancing and dating, I cooked and he loved. Then with max gf points I drove him to the airport and waved him off. Whilst he was there he was lovely and communicative, shared photos etc with me. Called me. And so on. I collected him from the airport and he was very pleased to see me. Chatty and happy. I knew he would crash into depression after leaving his children (two weeks is not enough). For 24 hours he stayed with me then left to go sort out his things, he had toothache so had to see the dentist. He took my car, as I had another one from work, so I asked him if he would come back and look after my youngest for the night when I was at another place where I was giving the talk of my life, a mssive opportunity and a dream come true. Circumstances meant that my kids couldn't come, he was not offering to come (which made me sad) but he did agree to look after my youngest at my house that night. The next morning I had not heard from him so I Facetimed my youngest and was talking to her, then she went into the room and M was there getting ready to leave, face like thunder. My heart sank. I called him when I was on the way to my talk but he did not answer. He sent me a long text telling me off for asking him to look after my youngest (my eldest had unexpectedly come back that night in the early hours) saying never to ask again. Not one word about the thing I was doing, even though it was something he and I used to watch and talk about and he knew it was a massive deal, not one word. I ended up in tears again before going on stage, feeling so damn alone.

I left and then pretty much never heard from him for about three weeks, I would get the occasional I am fine just leave me alone, I will get through this - so I did. Then last weekend he said he wanted to see me. I said I was not keen on an evening in silence in his room, where he would leave me sitting on his bed whilst he fed himself and watched things on my netflix account, then *maybe* have sex. He said no that he was out of his funk and he really wanted to see me and sort us out. I had arranged to go out with my eldest on the Friday night and told him so, because he wanted to come around then. So we saw each other the next day, he was on full on operation charm offensive. Loving, danced with me, took me on our favourite walk and told me how much he loved me at the top of the hill. He talked to me about how we could work Chile, saying that for the first year (he is going in September 2015) he would go for September through to May, then come home and live with me for four months, then go back to Chile, and we would see how that worked, and do something differently the following year. I could also go visit in between and he would introduce me to his kids. I weakened and agreed and then had a fabulous 24 hours with him. Loving. Happy. SO relieved. Then we went on another walk ad talked about our relationship, because I said that separately to Chile we had to work on us. He agreed and we sorted out some nice things to do together. He was going to leave that evening, so we got home and I got my stuff ready to get to work when he left. He came downstairs and hugged me, then said: you can't put any of this on Facebook. (Not that we were friends on there anyway). I asked why and he aid, yes, that is the question.

Apparently when in Chile he had told the mother of his kids that he loved her, she had had an evening of being broken and sobbing so he had told her he loved her, that he and I were having difficulties and he was not even sure our relationship would last. He told her that he would come back, sort out his life then move to Chile in September 2015 and they would be together.

I was just like: 'WHAT?!" so wtf was this weekend all about, obviously everything is off this is CRAZY. I went from loved and feeling secure and happy to destroyed and distraught in 30 seconds of words from him. He was begging me to listen, saying that it was not about him but the mother of his kids. He could not see her that broken when she had to raise his children. I get that. But I was like well - go. Only come back if you are a free man, and forget any arrangements with Chile now, obviously.

He bombarded me with texts and sent me images of conversations he was having with her. He did tell her, she went mental. I was still mentally angry with him too, and the second night I was talking to him over text about what happened in the car that day before he went to Chile. He said that he was angry because I had taken the kids to school, then come home and gone upstairs and texted him to come and spoon. He thought I was disrespecting him. Anyway, his ex said that he would not be allowed to see the children if he was with me. He facetimed me 24 hours after that and said that it was not going to work, it was not about him and what he wanted, but his children.

I knew I could not argue with that, I could not win. So I have to accept it. Since then I have driven all of his stuff back to his, we were fine, friendly. I cried a bit and he lay me down and hugged me, tried to have sex but I refused. In the last two days he has reached out a few times and I have tried to resist, failed a few times and got trapped into another text row, with him telling me off for something again. Then I started looking online for help getting over a relationship, also to my shame ways I could win him back - and I kept coming across narcissist advice. And I started to really look again, and it all started to ring so true.

I don't know if he is a narcissist or if it is just me making him so it is easier for me to walk away, I have no choice. But every EVERY inch of my body and mind wants to have the relief of being in his arms again, just for the peace, just so I don't have to battle. But I know I can't.

I have removed Whatsapp from my phone and closed my account (the last place he was contacting me). I am selling the car he used. I have taken his number out of my phone. I have deleted his number on skype. And I have changed his profile in my email, to remind me not to reach out. I have not blocked him, I don't know why, I can, but I don't want to just yet.

Is he a Narc? Or am I just only focusing on this because it makes it easier?