He Caught Me - Hook, Line, and Sinker

I was hooked on S from the moment we were introduced. We were law school classmates. It started out as flirtation in the library. My heart fluttered every time I saw him and when he casually told me that he had a crush on me I felt such elation I could barely contain myself. Our relationship progressed quickly into a friendship. He told me definitively that he was not interested in dating me or anyone else and that we would never be together. Nonetheless, he wanted to be friends. Our chemistry was electrifying and despite recognizing the inherent danger in continuing a relationship with him, I couldn't help myself.

He is handsome, charming, and gregarious. He walks in a room and can have a conversation with anyone. He has a dazzling personality and I never felt so special as when he sought me out. I'm relatively shy and reserved and while in school would go from class to the library without much socializing whereas he would flutter about being the social butterfly that he is. For him to come find me when he could have had any girl he wanted was exhilarating. He made me feel beautiful, interesting, and exciting. He told me that he couldn't stop thinking about me and that he wanted to make me happy. Although he'd already warned me that he wouldn't commit to me, now or ever, our relationship progressed from friends to friends with benefits. It continued that way for three years with intermittent breaks when I would try to distance myself or when he would disappear. It was thrilling when we were together, but it was always on his terms, and the times in between were devastating and confusing.

In October 2013 he casually mentioned to me a girl that he was seeing, but said it wasn't serious. I didn't hear from him for a month, and when i did, he, again casually, mentioned that he now had a girlfriend and wouldn't be visiting with me anymore. I was overwhelmed and lightheaded. I tried to get answers from him but, obviously, to no avail. I have not received any closure.

This past week he married that girl. Its been over a year since I've seen him, but the sense of devastation I felt upon seeing some of their wedding pictures made it feel as fresh as ever. The thing that I'm struggling with the most is the feeling that he's changed now. They just look so incredibly sweet and happy together that I can't help but think she is getting the guy that I had at the beginning and that he's going to stay that way. The envy/jealousy is difficult to deal with. She is young, still in college, and their relationship has been long distance (as in across the country) up until now, but it just seems like such a dream.

I just went NC 3 days ago. I haven't seen or spoken to him in awhile, but I had been checking his FB and instagram religiously, which was obviously causing me immense heartache and preventing from actually moving on and healing during that time.

I'm grateful to have found this forum and am looking forward to support and feedback from other members.

Warmly,
B