Feeling very sad and lonely

A good friend of mine has only hours to live after battling breast cancer for the last 3 years. As a BC survivor myself, her death is bringing me closer to my own mortality and I'm so sad and afraid that should this ever be me I will be alone, without that one special person to spend my last minutes with . Even after I had split with my narc Husband of 18 yrs, when I was really low and thinking about dying and whether the cancer would get me eventually (as you do sometimes when you have had a life threatening illness and life is a bit tough ) I still would have wanted him to be with me. I just couldn't imagine leaving this earth without him being with me. That was before I really had a handle on the horrible farce and the heartbreaking truth about the evil that I was dealing with, now I wouldn't want him anywhere near me. I know that the connection we had was ultimately false and dangerous, but I am feeling really alone and sad at the thought that I may never feel that bond with someone again. I'm sorry for this really maudlin post, my friend's passing is stirring up a lot of darker thoughts that I usually try to block. It's times like these that I really miss having that significant other to talk this stuff through with - don't worry though, I would rather eat my own vomit than break NC.