Shell's Story

3 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Nov 15 - 5PM
Shell
Shell's picture

Shell's Story

I am an intelligent, strong and capable woman but I have spent the last 27 years of my life on somebody who I'm now beginning to understand has a Narc. disorder. Right now, 4 weeks after he has left, I'm slowly getting into recovery and thinking about how I will have a life after this relationship. There is still so much grieving to do. I still have a little voice - getting smaller all the time - that tells me he will come back and I can make it alright this time. My brain is telling me to believe everything I'm reading here and on other websites, but my heart hasn't caught up yet.

I first met this man 27 years ago. One year out of my first marriage with a great career, a fun and interesting life, and money in the bank. My issue was that I was a long way from home and family.That last thing was probably the key to the attraction then. I was totally love-bombed. I had never experienced anything like it although there were alarm bells then. 3 months in I called it off. I knew he wasn't for me - he was a classic under-achiever with drug and alcohol problems and was unable to sort his life out - including job, flat, finances and friends. But the love-bombing from there was so intense - he was on my doorstep every night and phoned me constantly during the day so that I had no time for anything else. The sex, of course, was fantastic and much more exciting than anything I'd ever experienced before. So I fell for it and committed myself 100%. My available cash was spent buying and furnishing a flat for us to live in. I helped him get a new job and we started our life together. Within a year - actually probably sooner, its hard to remember now - I was aware of his "unhappiness". He flirted with other women everywhere we went, including my bosses wife at an important dinner party. I was devastated that night! I constantly felt under threat that he would leave and I was terrified of starting again and feeling that I had made a fool of myself.

The first of many big life changes started. I pursued a promotion and we moved cities. The deal was he was going to stay at home and support my career and re-start his art career. He couldn't stand being at home on his own and never did seriously start painting again. So he went back to work. In the meantime I was paying all the bills and his earnings were just his pocket money. We were 4 years in to the relationship by now and still he wasn't happy. At that time he met a married woman in the new job and starting seeing her socially - playing golf etc. He assured me it was purely platonic but my gut was telling me something different. Somewhere in amongst this I decided it would be a great idea to get married and he agreed. He tried backing out a few weeks before the big planned wedding but wanted to stay living together and in the relationship, just not married. One day, on gut instinct I followed him and sure enough he went straight to the work colleagues house. I sat outside agonising for an hour but eventually knocked on the door. His shocked reaction was to grab my arm and drag me out of the house. He then proceeded to convince me that they were just friends and she was married and not going to leave her husband. So, I accepted that and a few weeks later we got married. looking back on that time now, I just remember the overwhelming fear and pain that I felt. And confusion. I knew it was all wrong, but he was telling me something else and in my need to be validated and loved I believed him. I remember going through weeks of severe anxiety and being unable to function at work properly because of that.

Fast forward another 2 years and we're really into a bad place. He totally shut down any feelings towards me and all communication was on a transactional mundane level only. It got worse too. I remember having a party for our close friends one night and him getting very drunk and following me around all night "barking" in my ear like a dog. Whenever I tried to talk about what the problem was or how we could resolve our issues he'd deny that there was anything wrong. it was all in my head. I believed him. I spent a lot of time doing personal growth courses but could never work out why I didn't feel better as a result. Anyway, I finally summoned up the strength and courage to tell him to leave, I couldn't bear it any longer. He left and after 2 months of terrible grieving I finally started to make some future plans for myself which included returning to my home country and family. I could see a future for myself and I was looking forward to it. But guess what? He turned up on my doorstep again and the cycle re-started.

He told me that he had been having a full on affair with the work colleague but that he'd realised that it was all wrong and I was the one he really loved. After an intense 2 weeks of love-bombing I took him back and started to counselling to work through the issues. He refused counselling of course.
That was 19 years ago. We returned to my home country. We finally reversed the roles and he started a career which has been relatively successful with huge amounts of encouragement and support from me. I have had 2 wonderful children. I'm so proud of them and proud of myself for being a great mum and giving them a wonderful, loving home.

Over the last 19 years he has been "unhappy" a lot of the time. I have made many excuses and accepted his silent treatment, anger and lack of compassion and love. I have thought that the career has been stressful for him, he's had to bear the financial responsibility, he's been living in a country a long way from his home, etc. etc. I've also blamed myself for putting on weight after having 2 children in my late 30s and 40s. and not "taking care of myself". But I have always thought we were in it for the long haul and we'd eventually get to a place where we wouldn't have the day-day burdens of raising children, mortgages etc. and we could re-connect with our love and passion.

4 weeks ago, I tried again for the umpteenth time to "talk about it". What is the problem, I'm feeling frightened and anxious about where we're at. What can we do about it. etc. I expected the usual shut down, - nothing wrong, I'm just tired, work is stressful, I don't know what you're talking about etc. Imagine my terrible shock and trauma to be told that he had been having an "affair" with the same woman from 20 years ago for the last 6 months and he was leaving me for her! The affair had been conducted on the internet and consummated in an afternoon when he had visited his family back home on a big trip on his own earlier this year. Another one of my making it better for him projects, made at great financial sacrifice to the family.

So here I am 27 years later, in my mid 50s realising that its all been an illusion and my mental confusion wasn't that at all. I was absolutely right that he didn't have any compassion or empathy for me. Something I had suspected for a long time. I had even shocked myself recently by accusing him of being cruel. Now I'm feeling crazy in a different way, wondering how I can heal myself and move on with my life. I know logically that I can work through this and look forward to a fulfilled and peaceful life free of the constant agonizing over how to fix my marriage, and how to make it better for him. But I still have a lot of grieving to do for the last 27 years of illusion and pain.

Nov 25 - 7PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Welcome to Narcville! 27

Nov 16 - 9PM
Radiant
Radiant's picture

Welcome, Shell