No contact & closure extra painful - we work together

Hi everyone,

I'm new to the forum and could really use some insight/support. Feeling pretty low today.

My ex and I work together but I've managed to maintain strict no contact (including no eye contact) for three months. Luckily, we've had no need to interact on projects during that time. We used to work very closely together, even traveling internationally together a little more than a year ago, which is when the feelings began to grow between us. Nothing happened until early last year.

So, I'm sure people say this frequently, but in my case this guy comes across as the gentlest, most soft spoken, humble, stable and unassuming person. That is part of the reason I fell for him after being involved with pretty self-absorbed men in the past. When we first got together, he acted like I was a goddess. We talked about kids, marriage, moving to another town together. We had a couple of pregnancy scares, and he seemed to like the idea of us having a child together. I fully pictured a future for us.

Looking back, there were a lot of bad relationship skill signs I chose to ignore: when we saw each other was purely on his terms. He was very unhappy in his life and just getting out of an LTR. The problems were 'all her fault,' including moving to the town where we work together, which he hates, along with the job at our company, which he also hates. So a lot of our time together was around him being unhappy - but not doing anything to change it.

He said he feared us fully entering into a new LTR while he worked at our company b/c he was so 'stressed' and 'lower than he'd ever been in his life.' So I was always waiting for him to fully commit. I kept asking - do you want me to step aside while you sort out your life? No, he said.

Finally last August I got impatient and we talked about the relationship - well, I mostly talked because when it came to ANY talking about feelings or following through on things he had said, he would just shut down. Finally he said he felt 'pressured' and that he felt I had expectations about where the relationship was going - even though he was the one who put all the future stuff out there from the beginning. A future I feel now was all part of an escapist fantasy for him. But he didn't want to end things with us.

I was always walking on eggshells and letting him initiate everything on his terms, because I think I knew if I really asked for anything, I could lose him. But the way he looked at me and our intense connection kept me hooked.

So after that talk in August he basically just stopped contacting me. I gave him space for several weeks and then sent him a text saying basically, I've given you time and space to figure things out and now I feel I deserve an explanation. No answer. So, a few days later I emailed him a very kind, overly generous (according to my therapist) email just saying that I could only assume from his silence that the relationship was over, that I would be moving forward with my life, and that I couldn't be friends.

No response until five days later when he texted something like 'I'm really sorry, I've been really stressed.' I didn't answer that and basically went no contact immediately without telling him I was doing it. He texted a few weeks later after a company even to say 'I hope you are out having fun :)' - I didn't respond to that, either. I felt it didn't deserve a reply since he never responded to my email or tried to communicate to tell me what was going on.

That was in early October and since then, no communication from him. At work, when I sneak glances at him (and from my friends there telling me), he seems sad and ashamed to me but maybe I am seeing what I want to see. I have really good relationships at work, and several of my good friends know what's happened, so he's kind of on the outside now because he basically had me, and he knows now he can't come around anywhere I am. I'm sure it's lonely for him, and despite how it hurts me to see, I won't try to fix it.

Sorry this is so long, but I guess I can't understand how someone could seem so in love with you, want to and try to have a child together, and then just basically vaporize. The biggest shock being that, hello, we work together, sit 10 feet from each other, and never talking about this makes it incredibly awkward, especially for him now as it makes him more alone than ever. As for me, I'm in an immense amount of pain but have my s*** buttoned up at work, able to seem very grounded and happy (and I am grounded for the most part, despite enduring this situation), and am doing good things (including therapy) to make sense of this bizarre emotional hit and run.

Any words of wisdom and/or encouragement would be most appreciated. I've been doing well but sometimes the pain and confusion is immense.