Fear of change and WHY is understanding and recovering from a Narcissist so difficult?

Just because I won't do something, does not mean that I cannot do it. When we say we cannot do something, does this mean we won't do it? Or does it mean that we do not want to do it.

The number 1 concern I hear from my clients is fear, that I am afraid. I am afraid that he might be a Narcissist, I am afraid that I will never be able to get away from him, I am afraid if I run into him or if he calls or texts me, I am afraid that no one will ever love me as he did, or you wish that he did. I am afraid that I am not good enough. I am afraid that he is not a narcissist and he does love the other woman and simply did not love me. I am afraid that my husband will find out about the Narcissist. I am afraid that it was me who has the problem and the Narcissist was right, I am not good enough. I am afraid that he will try to hurt me or that he is stalking me on the site (this has never happened, Narcissist's do not care about the site for the most part). I am afraid that no one will ever want or love me. I am afraid to join the Support Group. What if it does not work? What if I open myself up to others and they judge me (that has never happened). What if it works for others but will not work for me. I am afraid that I am not pretty enough, smart enough, good enough. I am afraid to stop seeing him because he may get better or find someone better and then they will benefit from all of my hard work and efforts towards helping him and fixing him. I am afraid to leave him and afraid to stay with him. I am afraid if I leave him, he will take all of the marital assets and I will be left in poverty. I am afraid to say no to him. I'm afraid of his reactions if I try to empower myself. I am afraid to make a major change in my life. I am afraid of success in my life and I am afraid of failure in my life. I am afraid I am stuck and will not be able to change, grow, and heal. I am afraid of looking at myself. I am afraid of failing again. I am afraid to change my thinking. I am afraid to live a better life. I am afraid of what other's will think if I leave him or stay with him. I am afraid that he has convinced other's that it is me and not him. I am afraid of being afraid.

The list goes on and on.

I also hear: I want him to love me. I want him to approve of me. I want him to find me attractive again. I want what we had in the beginning to come back again. I want him to choose me and only me over all the other women. I want my self respect and dignity back again. I want to learn how to love myself. I want to feel better. I need help. I want this obsessing to stop. I want to feel good about myself. I want my peace of mind back. I want to stop living in fear. I want my life back. I want my children to respect me again. I want this nightmare to end. I want him to go away. I want to feel like the man I am with really loves me for me and not just the sex. I want to say no. I want to go NC. I want to feel secure in my relationship. I want to get off of this roller coaster. I want to set boundaries. I feel so weak when it comes to him.

And so on....

What is fear?

Fear is a big giant neon sign blinking frantically warning you for sure that something is not right. Something is wrong. Fear is also encouraging you to do something about it. To take a better look at what you are doing and how your choices are affecting you. It's a wake up call that something is not right.

We are not designed to live in a perpetual state of fear.

Chronic fear leads to the perception of a loss of viable options, solutions, and eventually one becomes stuck in the fear and the fear creates hopelessness and in some chronic illness and emotional paralysis.

This could conceivably happen to anyone when faced with insurmountable loss, pain, and tragedy which is what we call life circumstances. The loss of jobs, loved one's, our health, a loved one's health. Perhaps you were falsely accused of a crime and have staggering legal fee's, or you are sued for something you had no control over. Many things happen which appear to have been completely out of our control and are unexpected traumas and hurdles in which we are suddenly expected to face and find resolution or at the very least, come to terms with these unfortunate events. Often they come in waves and just when you think you cannot handle another disappointing piece of news, something else comes down the pike and leave's you wondering when this is ever going to end and how are you going to possibly get through it. During these times of severe stress and challenge, many find themselves in a state of fear and panic, unable to recognize a solution or reconciliation with these unexpected blow's to their otherwise, up to this point, manageable lives.

When we are trying to understand a Narcissist and cope with the train wreck which has struck our lives, we are not only experiencing the above, we also need to add to the mix that while we are devastated by our own life issue's and the confusion of and from the Narcissist, we may also be struck with the Narcissist's:

lying
gas lighting
triangulation
manipulation
accusations
blaming
cheating
sexual demands or perversions or withholding
push pull
silent treatment
con games
mind games
character assassinations
attacks on your finances by the Narcissist

You may feel and experience their:

irrational fears
rage
discard
devalue
degrade
criticisms
insults
and so on.

This is why understanding, recovering, and healing from a Narcissist is not a typical life event from which we survive and eventually move forward in the same manner. It is not a typical tragedy, loss, trauma, or unexpected occurrence that many are faced with coping with and solving as part of life.

Not only are you facing and experiencing the shock, confusion, and loss, you are being played with and screwed with the entire time this is happening to you and this is not what generally occurs when you are faced with challenges in your life. Yes the obstacles and losses we experience are tough and often devastating, yet you are not facing those with the addition of having the one person who you believe loved you and was there for you, repeatedly banging you over the head with a mallet the entire time you are trying to cope, and heal from the devastating loss of the relationship as you believed it to be. This intrusive badgering clearly stunts and complicates your healing process.

The loss of a relationship with one we loved deeply and held promise from when it is due to their moving on, death, or mutual agreement, is one of the worst emotional pains we face, yet, when it is laced with mind games, push pull, and abuse, it becomes unbearable as we have our own typical grief to face as well as their barrage of additional dysfunction with which to contend.

The recovery from a Narcissist is like no other. It is not a typical relationship to begin with and certainly not a typical break up to heal from.

I frequently hear from members of the forum, I just don't understand why this is taking so long. I though I would be over this by now. I have not been this destroyed by other break up's or losses. What is wrong with me, what is the problem? In many cases this is long after the relationship is over. Sometime's years out. I thought I was feeling better and over this, yet it all come's back. Something trigger's me and I am a mess again.

This is because Narcissist's play on your greatest hopes and desires and your greatest fears. They mirror back to you, your greatest hopes and desires in the beginning in order to hook you during the honeymoon stage. Once you are hooked, they begin to use your greatest fears against you in order to control you and condition you to comply. During the degrade and devalue you most likely feel like you are in a racquetball court because this is when they go to town slamming you repeatedly with that which you fear most. A narcissist makes it his business to learn what makes you tick in the beginning. What does she want most and what does she most fear. Once they have this information under their belts, they are ready to work their "magic" and play their games.

This is one of the reason's why you are hit so hard. Simply because you are being attacked with that which you value and treasure most and that which you fear losing the most.

This may all seem difficult to swallow in the beginning, after all, why type of creature would use your deepest hopes and desire's and your worst fear's against you?

The answer is clear to see.

A Narcissist and a Psychopath would and will do this without blinking an eye or losing a nights sleep while doing it. After all it's all about them isn't it? Your well being is not their primary concern. Their own is.

You may say: but my narcissist cries, or "shows" remorse. The operative word here is "shows."

Acting or showing remorse is part of the using your stuff against you.

They know that you like a good show of remorse, guilt, and sorrow for his actions. You want him to feel or act sorry.

So he is giving you what you want. An act of remorse.

I could go on and on about what they do. I have hundreds if not thousands of stories about what they do, how they do it, and why they do it. If that's what you want to know they I can go there anytime you like.

More importantly though, what do you want? What do you really want in your heart of heart's and in those private quiet moments when you are alone with yourself and with your truth about what is going on and what you want to do about it.

I'm not taking about your fears here. We all have fear and fear is designed to alert us to something being wrong. Either imminent danger or reluctance to change something in ourselves or in our circumstances.

What do you want to do about your fears?

Are you planning on keeping them?

Are you planning on facing them and resolving them?

What are your biggest fears?

What is standing in your way from making a decision today to once and for all, admit you have them, and take the necessary steps to alleviate them and walk through them one baby step at a time.

I can promise you one thing. I know this to be true. Narcissist's do not have the control over you that you imagine they do. They are not the one's in control of your life, You are. You may have lost sight of this fact along the way due to their random conditioning, trauma bonding, codependency, Stockholm syndrome, love addiction, betrayal bonding, and your false belief systems, magical thinking, myths, societal, and family of origin conditioning, and all the rest of it.

You can and will recover completely from this narc attack. Firstly, you need to want to and shout it out loud, write it down. I will recovery from this nightmare and I will do what I need to do in order to fully recover from this and create the life of my dreams. The first step is wanting it and the rest is available for you whenever you want it.

Much love,
Together and Healing,
Goldie

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