Still getting phone calls....

Hi everyone,

So, I haven't been logged on for awhile, but again I'm in need of some advice....

I left my ex a year ago now, more or less. It was so hard, I was very hurt and confused and I still loved him a lot, but the relationship had become physically abusive (which added to years of emotional and mental abuse), so I finally saw that I had to leave.

In the beginning, my ex agreed that it was for the best. He said he wanted to try living alone, be single, things he hadn't really done before. He said he needed to "work on himself". This hurt me a bit because it seemed like he was ready to let go our four year relationship without even trying, but I figured it was for the best.

Then he calling me to see each other. Like an idiot, I would go and meet up with him. He set the rules, we weren't allowed to talk about what had happened, we could just be together physically. He said he needed to see me to see how he felt about me. Then he asked me to move back in together and I told him no way, unless we talked about things and started counseling, and of course he got really angry that I wouldn't just comply with what he wanted.

I went home for Christmas and when I came back, he wanted to see me right away. He told me he thought it was for the best that we took time apart, he needed it, etc. He was breaking up with me (even though I had been out of the house for 3 months by then!!!). He hadn't registered at all that when I left the house that was it for me. But then I saw him a few days later by accident in a restaurant and he told me he missed me and needed to see me.

Again, like a fool, I met up with him. We would see each other a few days, then he would get overwhelmed and tell me he didn't want to see me again. Then after a few weeks he would call me again to tell me he missed me, now he's changed and now he's ready to be my partner and he loves me a lot. I would meet with him to give him the benefit of the doubt (it was everything I wanted to hear). We would see each other a few days then once again he would freak out, tell me he doesn't think he ever wants to live with someone, he doesn't believe in monogamy, etc. One day we went for a hike and all day he was all over me, flirting and hugging me. He invited me to his house for dinner, and I said, "are you sure? I can just as easily go home, I have lots of stuff to do". He insisted that I come for dinner. He went to meditate, and meanwhile I started cooking dinner, but I was wearing his old sweatshirt (because I had no clothes there). After meditating he came out of the room, and was weird with me. We pretty much ate dinner in silence, no hugs, nothing, then later we went to bed and he got up after half an hour and went to another room to sleep. The next morning he woke up mad and I said, "what's wrong?" and he said, basically, that having dinner together reminded him of living together and it suffocated him and he doesn't think he can do it again. Then he said I also had looked really ugly wearing his sweatshirt and that at this critical moment between us I should be trying to seduce him. I told him it was over.

I wish I could say that was the last time we saw each other but it wasn't. Again, after a few weeks, he called me. He missed me and realized again how much he loved me. He wanted to see me. We had to meet about some other things (our cell phone plan and stuff like that), so I agreed. Basically, he though that just by me agreeing I was ready to get back with him. I had it more clear than ever that I didn't want that, but he didn't get it. He asked me to sleep with him later that night and I said no. Then a few days later I asked him to meet up to tell him that there was no way I'm getting back with him and he went out with his friends instead. I got mad at him and when we did eventually see each other that night, and I told him I was annoyed that he hadn't kept our initial meet up time, he told me "you know what, I can't do this with you. I'm sorry, but I really can't handle your emotions. I don't want to be with someone who gets angry about this stuff. I'm going to go out with my friends, and a lot, so I can't be with someone like you who is mad all the time" and then told me it was over. Out of frustration I started to sob hysterically--I didn't even want to be with him! And how could he be doing that again!--and he left me alone sobbing in a park.

Now he has started therapy and also started training to be a Gestalt Therapist. I thought doing all this therapy would change him but I'm not sure it has. He wrote me out of the blue the other day saying that he was having the worst time thinking about us, that he feels like his Melanie has died and he's watching me fade away and its too much for him to handle. He told me he almost had a nervous breakdown thinking about us and that he was able to empathize with everything that happened. Then he said, "I don't want to upset you, I just wanted to tell you. I hope you're well, a big hug".

And, though I'm ashamed to admit it, a part of me kind of fell for it again. I started thinking, poor him! Oh no, that's how I felt too, look, maybe we do have the same feelings for each other, I'm so sad that he's going through this, etc. The thing is, I don't understand him. I don't understand this process that he's going through. He sat there and told me that he wanted to be single, he doesn't want to live with me, he hates me, I should go back to my hometown and leave where I am, and many many other things, and yet he's still writing me and telling me that he loves me and NOW he's feeling destroyed thinking about us? That he can't handle the fact that we're not together anymore????? What is this??

Can anyone help me understand? Thank you!