The Investment With No Return

I didn't realize how difficult it would be to do this. I am scripting this in the midst of obsessive thoughts in the hopes that getting it out in this forum will quiet my mind and help me come to terms with my reality. When I think logically I compare my relationship to investing money into an account that never accrued interest. Funny thing is I never had any intention of opening an account with this particular bank in the first place because I knew it had a bad rep. I met him the year prior when he dated a childhood friend of mine. I was living in another town at the time and had come for a weekend visit. She only dated him because he drove a nice car, had money, and LOVED to spoil his woman. He was nice enough but I didn't find him the least bit attractive, in fact, I remember thinking she could do so much better. So about a year after our first meet I moved home after leaving my husband and filing for divorce. I was in a good place, content with my decision and ready to start my life again with my children and my new found freedom. I was NOT looking for a commitment of any kind in fact I was ready for a much needed period of independence. Then came the invitation on facebook. He asked if I'd like to go have a drink sometime. After checking in with my friend and getting her blessing I decide "What the hell! I have no interest in this guy he's not even good looking, but I sure could use the chivalry and free drinks. Heck I'll probably even get a steak dinner!" So we exchanged numbers and the spider began to spin his web....It was as if he purchased a book on all the right things to say to a woman. In fact I distinctively remember thinking he was so fake and his lines were played out and possibly scripted. My responses were frequently "I bet you say that to all the girls" But he was a great listener and always appeared genuine in his interest in me, my life, my feelings. On a friend level he was awesome. I could open up to him about just about anything and he would have similar experiences. As a matter of fact we seemed to have everything in common...or was that part of the plan all along? After a couple weeks of "talking" I finally went to his house for that drink. I went with a girlfriend and he had his kids for the weekend so that was safe enough right? Nope....Looking back red flag number 1 was when he took me into the room to "see his sleeping children" and proceeded to kiss me after I "oohed and awed" about how sweet they were. As a single mother he must've known what a turn on the whole good dad persona would look. Then the sex..or as he would later call it making love. It was decent definitely not the best, but it was the way he talked about it after that sucked me in. It was the best thing ever and he's never felt a connection like that. He was certain we were soul mates. The more he talked it up the more I thought maybe I was being too guarded and not allowing the love to flow because I was protecting my heart. Little did I know he had me doubting my judgment even then. So I let go. Despite my initial reservations and my vow of autonomy I found myself swept up in this whirlwind romance with Prince freakin Charming. He was the best and the worst thing for me simultaneously and I loved it. Romantic and compassionate but with just enough bad boy to keep me interested. And when he played the wounded man child oh how it sang to my poor little co-dependent heart. You need me to rescue you?? Well of course you're perfect for me. Crazy thing is right before I met him I had decided in no uncertain terms that the next man was gonna rescue ME. I'm still confused as to how he could have such dual personalities and how I could engage. It was like being with Cybil...he was so "strong" I put my heart in his hands and thought surely he'd catch me if I fell and yet so weak that I'd find myself drying his tears as he cried about his dead mother. Needless to say I crossed every boundary I ever spoke aloud. All my hard work and effort to get to a good place in my life was circling the drain. Came close to losing my job over sick calls (weeknight hangovers, breakups, makeups) you name it I found a way to accommodate every minute he offered me. Bought a brand new car only to have him get it impounded not once but twice as well as body damage that I can't afford to repair. I took out a loan to bail him out of jail and pay his DUI classes because according to him it was my fault because in my drunkin state I said aloud that we should take a drive. I had a million pictures of special trips out of town, concerts, family vacations, and am just now realizing that I paid for it all. I saw him through multiple home detoxes for his addiction to prescription pills and even then cooed about his strength and resilience and ability to correct the things in his life that were keeping him from being all that he could be. I was his biggest fan and his loudest cheerleader and his inspiration. Or so I thought...then he would stonewall me and suddenly I was the root cause of all of his pain and suffering and I could do nothing right. I found myself begging this man to stay with me when I never wanted him that bad in the first place. We were on and off and on and off so frequently I lost track but we could never go more than a couple days without contact. Then he left me suddenly for a 4 month stretch and I was broken. I truly thought I was going to die. In fact at one point I contemplated it. I physically felt like he had taken my last breath with him when he packed. I accepted any morsel of affection I got during that time period and I have never looked more desperate or broken. So I finally tell him I've had enough and if he doesn't move home I can't do this anymore. Well he wouldn't agree to those terms but he did the next best thing....we went to Vegas and got married! And he still didn't move home...but now he was my husband and as he would say "no matter where we live you're my wife and I'm your husband and your mine forever" I was so relieved!!! But that was short lived and I started demanding more. As I started to pull away again he quickly packed up and moved home but nothing was ever the same. After being "that girl" for 4months something inside of me couldn't put back on the blinders. There was this little teeny tiny part of me screaming SAVE YOURSELF. And it was that small voice that pointed out the inconsistencies between his words and his actions. It was that little light that cast a glow on the true selfishness of his nature. In a moment mixed with drunkenness and sleep deprivation I let him have it. I finally spoke the truth about what a horrible selfish worthless piece of garbage he was and how he didn't deserve me and what a waste of time and oxygen he was. Needless to say he left again and in the morning I woke up wishing it had all been a bad bad dream. But I couldn't change it. I set things in motion and this time I was not going to be "that girl" even if I was wrong. Because whatever the circumstances this day was inevitable. That was almost two months ago and I wish I could say the story ends there but my last contact with him was 4 days ago. I've gone as long as 9 days in the past few weeks but I find myself caught in his web like a fly struggling to get free before he drains me of what little life I have left. I gave so much of who I was to this man because I thought I saw something so priceless. He made me believe that I brought out the very best man he could be and finally my love was enough for someone. So I just kept investing and deposit after deposit patiently waited for my big return, my ultimate payoff. But just like a stock market crash he took all I had and left me with nothing but a few receipts and a lot of debt. To say I'm in a state of shock would be an understatement. Two short years feels like twenty long ones and now I'm emotionally prepping for an annulment I keep making excuses not to file. And that's my story. I don't feel better just yet in fact I almost feel worse now that I'm seeing all this posted on here. By labeling him and this relationship I have to admit and reconcile in my mind and my heart that there is no hope for us ever. But I am hoping that I will find some comfort in knowing that I'm not alone and people do survive this without losing their minds...or their souls.