Feel like a hopeless loser who is full of anger

15 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Oct 21 - 8AM
Madea1234
Madea1234's picture

Feel like a hopeless loser who is full of anger

Hi All,
I needed to post this because I am at a loss of what else I can do to stop my obsession over my ex. I posted my story previously, but not all of it. I even commented on another girl's post last night about how we "deserve better", yet I can't believe my own hype and I'm even embarrassed to post this, but I have to in order to get better. I feel like a failure at getting over my narc and a pathetic wuss. I don't even think my post is going to make sense because my head is all over the place. I should be prepping for a meeting, but I can't get this idiot out of my head. I need to vent or I am just going to explode.

I had tried to remain friends with my narc after we broke up and we saw each other for a few months here and there (he helped me find an addiction recovery program and I was leaning on him for advice). During those times, we never talked about relationships or if he was dating, but he was always super shady about other plans he had or would disappear for 3 or 4 days at a time, and I saw that he would get texts from his "ex" when the phone was in my viewt. I always bit my tongue because I felt like I had no right to call him out on it. In a way I don't, since I'm not his girlfriend anymore. I then started piecing all these things together, and after some FB stalking I saw that he hung out with her while we were dating, and is posting comments on her wall, he sent another girl lewd texts while we were dating (she's a weirdo who posted them to instagram) and he also gave her the same gifts as me. Never once did I say that I knew about this, all the while hoping if I was a "good friend" who just made him happy, he would want me back. Someone in another post mentioned that she always would "save it for another time" to bring it up, but that time never seemed to come. That's how I feel. I was saving up all my anger and now I don't know what to do with it!

Fast forward a few months to now, when I am starting to see the light. I have been trying to do no contact (8 days was the longest), but I always feel like if I disappear without an explanation, it will look childish and rude, since I feel like I am past the statute of limitations to call him out on his bull. I maybe could have done it when we just broke up, but I feel like I am too late now. It's like I lost my one get out of jail free card. I want to call him or email him that I know all of the lies he told me and what I really think of him, but that just turns me into a crazy person. I feel like my hands are tied. I was weak and decided to remain friends with him, so now I don't feel like I can properly cut him out of my life without giving an "explanation" It's like I screwed myself royally!

Does anyone have any advice? I KNOW that I need to go no contact, but I have SUCH ANGER that I want to yell at him. I want him to KNOW that I KNOW. I want him to not see me as the weak pathetic girl he probably thinks I am. It kills me to think that he thinks he got one over on me. I hate him so much, but I hate my ego more because I can't let go of this anger.

Sidenote- I started NA and AA about 6 months ago, so my emotions are purely raw to begin with....it's not a fun time people! :)

Finally, thank you to the people who founded this forum and who continue to post with honesty, but more importantly, humor. I have come to this site so often and it really gives me hope. However, right now, all I want to do is tell off my egotistical narc.

Sorry for the rant!
Thanks,
Madea

Nov 8 - 11PM
ambrandon7
ambrandon7's picture

I Feel Ya

Nov 9 - 5PM (Reply to #13)
Madea1234
Madea1234's picture

Perfect timing

Nov 9 - 7PM (Reply to #14)
ambrandon7
ambrandon7's picture

Thank you

Nov 9 - 5PM (Reply to #12)
Madea1234
Madea1234's picture

Perfect timing

Oct 22 - 3PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Contact = Pain. It's that

Oct 24 - 6PM (Reply to #10)
Madea1234
Madea1234's picture

Still NC

Oct 22 - 6AM
thebigpayback
thebigpayback's picture

i noticed your screen name

Oct 24 - 5PM (Reply to #8)
Madea1234
Madea1234's picture

Wow

Oct 21 - 10AM
ItsFinallytime
ItsFinallytime's picture

I don't know how much of this

Oct 28 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
faith2014
faith2014's picture

Agree!

Oct 21 - 10AM (Reply to #3)
Madea1234
Madea1234's picture

Thank you, Thank you

Oct 22 - 2AM (Reply to #5)
Lookforward
Lookforward's picture

Thank you, Madea!

Oct 21 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
spinning
spinning's picture

Right on, Madea!

spinning

Oct 21 - 9AM
Lookforward
Lookforward's picture

He won't ever give you what