Recovering Alcoholic and A Narcissist

First I must say how thankful I am for this blog and everyone's shares. I felt so alone, scared and confused after my encounter with a narc and it is so comforting to know that others are here, but more importantly, are thriving after the breakup. My story is a bit interesting as my narc is also a recovering alcoholic. Add another twist- he helped get me sober! It all adds to the crazy entanglement that was our lives for a brief but intense time.

Here is a summary of my story. I'm 36 and never married. I was in a long term relationship for most of my 20s, then when we didn't get married (he married the next girl--whole different story!), I went a bit out of control and just hooked up and partied way too long. I was also a major binge drinker and was going down the wrong path. Enough about me. I decided to try an online service and JUST when I was about to give up, I receive and email from my narc, SD. He was cute, smart, well educated and picked up on minute details on my profile that no other guy had. I immediately felt like I found the one! It went from a few emails to texting every day and phone calls. I was so starved for attention that I didn't think it was odd that he was texting me all during the day. He had a decent job, but, geez, I was in meetings most of my day. He was always telling me how pretty I was and how he could never get someone like me if we met in person- see he did stuff like this, used self deprecation a lot-- which made me initially question if he really was a narc. He told me that he had trouble meeting girls in person, thus went online. I would actually get annoyed with him telling me how pretty I was- I called him shallow and he took major offense to that- first clue. I'm cute, but no super model by any means. It was a bit much. But, I really liked him.

To echo what others said, he seemed to have everything I wanted. He watched the TV shows I liked, he read the books I read, we hated the same foods...I mean, could he get more perfect?
Our first date was intense, I drank he didn't, but we had a crazy make-out session afterwards that was for the record books. I was hooked and wanted to be with him 24/7. We talked about past relationships and he really only harped on one girl that "broke his heart". He someone failed to mention that he "ended" a 2 year relationship a month before we got together. I had to find out on FB that he had a girl for that long in his life. When approached he said he "didn't think it would affect our relationship" and said he broke up with her because they talked marriage too quickly, then she wanted to go through with it and he didn't. He said she was boring and that he needed to get out. Needless to say, she was still around, yet I didn't know it.

After the initially wooing, he started to pressure me into sex. I say this LOOSELY, because I had a healthy sexual appetite and was attracted to him. However, our texts were almost getting to the point of him asking me all the time when I would sleep with him. Note here- our main mode of communication was text- I had never texted with anyone like I did with him. I think for the 4 months we dated, we talked on the phone a maximum of 10 times. As I write that, it's another chill I get realizing how off this was!

We finally had sex and it was good, but to be graphic it took him forever to finish. I add this because this was something I could NOT understand and I appreciate others' candor when they talk about it. I think I'm sexually attractive, and men never had that problem with me before. He told me that it takes him a while bc he "needs to get comfortable with a woman first" OK, that's a first for a guy to say! Also, then don't pressure me for sex buddy! Afterwards we just held hands. I went to cuddle with him and he said "You won't like this, but I don't cuddle". He said it like girls before have given him heat for it- rightly so. It was so odd.

I just want to throw in the AA stuff now, bc this is where I have issues. AA is all about letting go of one's ego, helping others, etc., and SD took his sobriety seriously. He would preach about humility and talk about how he didn't need "things", but I couldn't help but not believe him. I feel like he preached about having no ego as a way to have a pass to act like a jerk, does this make sense?

After we started to sleep together, I went on vacation. We sexted, which I NEVER have done before. He started talking about some weird porn stuff and I stopped it there- he felt a little pervy and I had a weird feeling he was a sexual deviant (hence my friends referring to him as SD). I was lucky enough to get my first pic of genitalia--ahem, that was pleasant. YET, I still liked this guy. He made me laugh, he took me out to dinner and to plays and paid for everything. Yet, I knew something was off, I just knew. I just want to reiterate what I see so much in these blogs...we KNOW, our gut knows, yet we try to make excuses. It's a crazy thing...and I never understood it until I read up on how the Narcs f with us.

When I got back from vacation he was pulling away. His marathon texts during the day whittled down to 2 or 3. When asked if something was wrong, he said he felt sick. He always felt sick too. He cancelled many dates because of a cold--um, helloo, girl willing to have sex with you here! I think my ex-boyfriend had sex with me once right after he had surgery on his leg. I mean--c'mon dude. But, that messed with my head. What did I say, what did I do? Am I gaining weight? I started to freak out, get clingy and text him constantly. Such a bad move and I should have walked away. So, we made plans for a Saturday, he never follows up with me and tell me he is seeing a play with his friend. I freak out and give him attitude and he calls me up to break up with him because I am combative. He even said "Maybe I'm just too sensitive for you" Also, I made a JOKE about our sex life dwindling already and he said "He was hurt and didn't know if he could ever satisfy me sexually" Putting it ALL on me. I actually acted calm and said ok and left it at that. Three days later he texts me that he misses me and wants to talk, but didn't have a plan. Obviously, my self esteem is shot, or I would have texted him a pic of my middle finger, but I was so confused, I went back to him. He never explained to me why he did what he did. He just acted like everything was OK. I tried to get him to talk about his feelings, but nothing. That's another thing about this guy- I felt his words were shallow. Like he was say I'm sorry, but I felt no emotion. He would never ask how I was and if he did, he sounded robotic. It's like he knew he had to pretend to have feeling.

So, he leaves for a business trip and just goes completely cold. Little texting and some calls. I even tried to get him to sext and he was always "too tired" When he came back we had sex once. I put on a sexy lingerie and he said, you look nice, then went to bed! I was done. I told him that I had no idea what was going wrong, but I wasn't happy. He said "Yeah, I feel different too" and he couldn't see himself marrying me. I told him I felt the same way, but still care about him. Then we decided to try to remain friends. That was my HUGE mistake.
great side note, we broke up and then he initiated sex! It was the worst sex I ever had. My friend even commented- what guy gets hard after a breakup, but I see now that it was a control mechanism.

The story end that I decided to go to rehab and relied a LOT on his guidance. This is where I thought he really did care about me. We would hang out for hours and chat on the phone for 4 hours at a time. Then I told him I had feelings for him again, and he didn't respond. Why didn't I get the f out then? I was fragile and in early recovery and even my friends were like- he should know better and leave you alone.

I knew he was dating, but he never talked about it. This is where is got into trouble. DON"T FB STALK YOUR EX. Honestly, it was horrible. I saw that he was back together with the girl who "bored the life out of him" and it was sickening. I also saw old post from a "friend" of his that showed them together when we were dating!! It was then I started to unravel, because even as friends, it was all a LIE! I was done being hurt one too many times. I told him I needed to be alone for a while and haven't seen him since. Oh, I forgot that he ex used to text him when we were together and he said "she can't leave me alone"

So all in all he is a narc, but an interesting one in that he thinks he is so self aware. Also, he also talks about how horrible his dad is and calls his dad a narcissist! I just want to summarize that I too could not understand why this guy I dated for 4 months got so in my head. It was only 4 months of my life, yet I felt like I was going crazy!! My self esteem was low before, but it was completely gone after him. It's so amazing that many stories on here are similar. The thing that got me though was the sex thing. What guy is all over you then doesn't want anything to do with you? All my normal guy friends looked at me like I had two heads when I told him that SD never wanted morning sex in the beginning. My guy friends were like, that's what every normal guy wants. I guess in the end, that's what I have to realize, that SD, despite what he things, isn't normal.