I broke no contact and paid a HUGE price

I filed for a restraining order against my ex narc in order to protect myself and my son from any future harassment or abuse. He has hit me before a couple of years ago (no police report) and I have seen him verbally and physically abuse his other three older children. When I went in for the temporary hearing the judge did not grant my request, citing that there wasn't any recent incidences between us and the fact that he was now 400 miles away. So there was a hearing for the permanent restraining order set but no TRO in place. Needless to say my confidence in being able to obtain an RO was extremely shaken so out of desperation I emailed him saying that I would drop the RO if he gave me custody. He had acted as if he didn't care if I had custody so I thought it would be a good enough deal for him. I was delusional in believing that maybe he would give me custody and since he was so far away wouldn't bother me again. So fast forward to the hearing and he brings up that I had emailed him that and game over. Judge saw that is me trying to use the restraining order as leverage and that I was not fearful enough of him.

Now I have poked the dragon and gotten burned. In court he was saying that he wanted to moved custody proceedings to LA where my son was born and lived for the first 7 months of his life. And he made a big scene in front of the judge saying, "Can I see my son now?" I ignored him and walked out. He even told the judge that I took his son without his consent which is total BS. I left him in May and he has seen his son 2 time since and both times he just happened to be in the area, the first time I actually found myself begging him to spend time with him (that stopped real shortly). He has not attempted to see him or tried to fight for any custody what so ever. He wants to move proceedings to LA to make my life difficult/impossible and because the only way he will actually have a relationship with his son is if it is convenient for him. Fortunately since the court ordered mediation in Northern California the custody proceedings have to start here and I have to do everything in my power to keep them here.

He texted me after the hearing to ask if he could see him, saying that the court had said he had equal rights to him. I responded saying I still didn't want any contact but that if he really needed to discuss our son he could call my grandparents number (which I know he won't because he wouldn't risk having to talk to them). I wanted at least to have a way so that he could get a hold of me to show the court how half assed his attempts to see his son really are. He basically threatened me after I said that the only thing I would agree to is supervised visitation, saying that things would not go well for me if I went down this road.

I am scared shitless that I will have to hand my son over to him for any length of time. He is extremely emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive to his other kids and I just know that he will mess with my sons head and say all kinds of awful things about me. He is only 1 year old now but as soon as he is able to communicate and understand that is when it will be begin. I am broke but I have to do everything that I can to hire a lawyer and fight this with every thing I have got. My dad thinks that fighting for child support would be a good first step because he is on all kinds of government assistance and yet makes a lot more than he says he does. He also owes the IRS over 8K and hasn't filed taxes for at least 7 years. I really didn't want to have to do any of this. I was praying that the RO would be granted and I could start to move on with our lives but because I broke no contact I am paying a huge price. And ultimately my son is the one that is going to pay and it just breaks my heart.