So I saw him and talked

I am finding it hard to post this because I feel that you may all sigh and think 'there's another one' not sticking to no contact, she's not serious about healing'. But I want to post it because it isn't like that, and because I feel so strange- I really feel I am on the cusp of making an actual real choice.
I saw him under the guise of many things. I know I wanted to say things to him. I know I wanted to discuss the financial aspects of the divorce to try to save some money if we could be amicable (haha, dreamIand) and try to get his address for the divorce also. I know why no contact is better, because I feel unsettled now. But at the same time, for me, not seeing him for over 2 months had built up my feelings to such a fever pitch. He became more than he was. I was remembering the good and blurring the bad. But the bad was there,yesterday, in my face. He couldn't even hide it for the day. And because I had not had it in my life, in my face, for 2 months, I felt abused.

We met at a pub, it was awful, at first I thought "I still love him ". After a while, we began to talk about past events. He did not want to. It became extremely clear to me that he could not let himself think of or admit the way he had behaved to me. Later, he got very agitated when I was asking him to acknowledge that he should have looked after me when I came out of hospital, instead of shouting at me and leaving me alone the first night, and then leaving me alone to cope with the house, the dinner etc when I started work and was still ill and exhausted. He was very vehement, saying he didn't care, that I didn't deserve care from him because I had not put his wellbeing first the day I came out from hospital (because I had wanted to let my nephew stay the night, and my husband did not want him to- this caused a horrid argument). I was calm, but tried to make him see that I had been ill and on a lot of morphine and medication, and I should have been able to rely on my husband. It was utterly hopeless. After going round in circles a bit, he told me that I was abusing him by going on and on and on, that it was actual abuse, and to 'shut the fuck up'. I was looking straight ahead, thinking " Wow, he is being abusive to me, I don't want this". Then he said how I made him into a horrid person, that he hadn't had this for ages, that he was embarrassed about others in the pub hearing him. I felt detached, it was almost like watching a show.

When I asked him if he had slept with somebody else, he told me he had been on dates, but would tell me about whether he had slept with someone else in a couple of days. I told him that was bullshit, that he obviously had. I said we had to get the divorce sorted, he said that he hadn't started it because he didn't really want to.
He apologised for 'being harsh' with me earlier. He said now he had seen me, he was intending to try to make it work with me. I told him he that wasn't his decision, that I had to want that too. I just kept thinking: you have been unfaithful to me,you have left me without any financial help, you disrespect me massively as a person. And still you think I will swallow it and want you. And you will never change. Look, you are the same. You are not like this with others, abusive with others, in your new life , but only because they don't call you on your bullshit.

And today, I feel calm, depressed, resigned, slightly hopeful. I do not know if I actually WANT this man anymore. I know my instincts are saying NO. And that is a huge step for me, even though to others it may seem the only thing to feel. I need to be doing a lot of Goldie's homework right now.