It is time to finally go no contact

I posted in this forum about a week ago when my NARC reappeared after I went no contact for about 3 weeks immediately following our break up. He called me from another number. I got sucked back in. I will be honest, as I believe that is the point of these forums and the only way forward - by being honest with your feelings so that you are able to confront them and deal with them. I was hopeful again. I have been reading so many stories on here, and doing my own research into people with his personality type, and the fact that he was still rejecting me should have been enough. My brain knew all these of things - but my heart just couldn't let go. It wasn't ready.

He still continued to tell me why he couldn't be in a relationship with me - because I was "high risk"; I am not even sure what that means. But he didn't want to lose me, because he has never cared this much about anyone (so why not just be in a normal relationship, duh). He thought we could be great friends and then see from there. Well, even this "friendship" was hurtful. He started off by messaging me sweetly, then fighting with me and telling me I was scary, crazy, mental and why I confirmed his decision to not be with me. So rejection all over again. Then he would message sweetly again. Then he made plans to meet. And blew me off. Then I was in the hospital (minor biopsy, nothing major, but still went under general anesthesia) and I was all alone. I live in London - but am from America. So I do not have family here, and I have friends who are great, but none that I feel I could ask to spend the night with me or take me the hospital. Everyone has their own lives and I hate imposing. I had my procedure booked a while ago and the plan was for the NARC to take me. He made such a big deal that he would take days off work and drive me and stay with me as he didn't want me to be alone. He even went so far to say that even if we broke up, he would take me because he wanted to be there for me. Also, if you read my story you will have seen that when he was in the hospital he had me running around for him like a headless chicken. And his biggest point of contention for breaking up was that I wasn't there enough for him when he was sick.

So the day of my procedure comes around, he didn't know as I had changed the date, but he is still messaging me every day mind you to see how I am doing. So I wrote back in the evening when I came to and told him I had my procedure today. His response? "Oh. Ok, honey. Best Wishes" He didn't even ask how I was feeling or if I was ok or anything. This after playing the victim of the year over his illness. He had zero care or compassion. I know, I know. That is how these people are. But I spoke to Goldie and she had said that everyone has their threshold of how much abuse they are willing to take. And I think this finally started to hit mine. I was so angry and hurt, but still holding on for God knows what. Some miracle. When he blew me off over the weekend he had rescheduled for yesterday - promising that we would meet. So yesterday, I reached out for the first time and asked - and he simply said that he forgot.

Enough has to be enough. He is never going to be anything but a monster in my life. He dumped me 5 weeks ago but he has kept me stringing along so that I have made no progress in moving forward. All the while, he has no interest in me romantically, doesn't want to see me or talk to me. He just wants to send me cold text messages on a daily basis. To assert some kind of sick control? I don't know. I cant reason with crazy, and it is time that I realize I am dealing with a psychopath.

I finally just snapped and couldn't take it anymore. Why does he get to keep hurting me? For what? He isn't even great. He was a loser. When we would go out together I look like the lawyer that I am and he looked like he was my criminal client. All my friends would joke that he looked like an ex con, and his behaviour is no different. So I finally wrote back - "Look - I can no longer allow you to keep hurting me. This friendship isn't working out for me. Thanks but no thanks".

I am not saying I am under any misconception that this is it and I will no longer feel or hurt or have regrets or moments of "what ifs" and even doubts even though I know better. I will have these feelings because I am normal person with the capacity to love, so I can't just shut off. But I finally feel - like I have hit the wall emotionally. Like I can simply no longer allow him abuse me and torture me. There is nothing to be had, except more torture and more rejection. I am the only one who can stop it, by blocking and no contact. If not, I may as well check myself into a mental hospital right now - because I am going mental by allowing him access to me.

I finally am at the place where I am ready to let go, where I understand that deep down he doesn't love or care for me. Because if he did, none of this would be happening. I understand that I need to stop idealizing the relationship. It was a horrible relationship. He was fighting with me from day one practically. It is time I face reality and heal and get on with my life.

Gosh - this whole thing seems like such a nightmare. I wish I could just wake up and it would be as if I never met him, as if it never happened. I am so angry and hurt at the same time - I am so tired of being emotional and crying every single day. I just don't even know how to feel. Even though the breakup happened 5 weeks ago, I feel like I am only facing reality now.