Really feeling the need to contact him

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#1 Sep 4 - 11AM
florence7
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Really feeling the need to contact him

The last few days I feel I have gone backwards in my resolve. I feel as if I have grief at the top of my throat and it wants to burst out, I am heavy and sad the whole time. I have swung back to missing him with every fibre of my being, and all I want to do is just reach out to him. I am his wife! How can it be this way, that I cant even speak to him? It's crazy, ridiculous. How could he forget me? I have a fear in me that I am making it all happen with no contact. He was my world for 4 years and whatever I posted in my story, we were still happy too and loving too, in between, and still closer to each other than any one else, even in the bad times.
The last time I had contact with him, he showed me he was playing games. It shocked me- he had never showed me it so transparently before. I cannot fathom how somebody can act that way. I felt so angry with him, so sickened, yes hurt but the hurt wasn't what kept me strong. Now the anger has gone, I didn't think it would, I thought it would stay. I just want to be straightforward. I just want to tell him I miss him and talk to him. NC feels fake, put on,unnatural, awful, ridiculous, like I am playing games too.
Since 1st July he had been sending me regular, almost daily loving and romantic texts and emails, saying he misses me, he wants to talk/ meet, that he was thinking of our wedding photo and other personal things. When I finally responded with ok, lets meet, his tone changed, he backed off, he kept me hanging on expecting to see him and then sent me a couple of emails that completely turned things around (as if i had been the one asking to see him). He spoke of how he thought i would be angry and want to punish and hurt him, how he couldn't have 'drama and torment anymore' in his life. He wrote that he 'missed me at night' but that in the day he was tense and apprehensive even thinking about seeing me and that it would take him 'a very long time to see me' because of my 'expressive and animated rage towards him', It was a very patronising email, he also spoke of how he was glad I was managing my negative emotions better'. He denied leaving me financially ruined and denied the impact his leaving so suddenly had on my 14 year old son, he showed no empathy towards my son about that, saying that my son had a wealthy dad, and went on lots of holidays and would be "ok I'm sure", but that he would like to carry on seeing him if I permitted it. He blamed me totally. Wtf were all the weeks of emails and texts saying he missed me and wanted to meet about?
I was so angry after it, I wanted to send a long email back listing all the rages and mean cruel behaviour he had displayed to me after he had left, while I was asking him to save our marriage. It is true I did go bonkers and scream at him 2 days before he left back in May, but since then, nothing, I had actually just cried at HIS rages, and walked away from ALL his angry emails and only tried to achieve peace. He rewrote the script. It was so unfair. I wanted to not allow him to, to call him on his lies. In the end I just couldn't be bothered. I sent him a song (Richard Cheese, People are Shit- a good reply I think, I hope he got the f**k off message I meant by it. ) Prior to those emails i had been crying so much.

I rode on that anger for a while. He stopped texting/ emailing me, but sent one more patronising message insinuating i was sad for getting people to look at his' linked in' page, and insinuated he knew I'd seen one of my estranged friends and knew about my life just to mindf**k me. I didn't reply, obviously, and later that night he sent me a text just saying 'Are you ok?'.
I found myself looking for messages from him. I got busy, got into yoga, did loads of DIY. But now I just feel that desperate sadness again. I am thinking about him all the time, even when I am talking about something else to people, everything reminds me. Last night I cried before I slept, I dreamed of him, I was sad when I woke. I know it is PTSD but I feel unbalanced and crazy. Why has it returned like this? I thought i was accepting things. I feel quite desperate to talk to him. Somewhere I can't believe I can't reach him. I need saving from myself.

Sep 4 - 11AM
spinning
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florence, hang on!

spinning

Sep 4 - 12PM (Reply to #5)
ItsFinallytime
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Hi Florence. Ditto to every

Sep 4 - 5PM (Reply to #6)
florence7
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ItsFinallytime, thank you for

Sep 4 - 6PM (Reply to #8)
ItsFinallytime
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Nothing adds up because

Sep 4 - 5PM (Reply to #7)
florence7
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I am reading and rereading

Sep 4 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
florence7
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Thank you so much for

Sep 4 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
spinning
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no, florence, sweetheart! It's NOT

spinning

Sep 4 - 5PM (Reply to #4)
florence7
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You have inspired me! That