I need to move past this

I am trying. I really am. Having a bad day and thinking of him, obsessively. Wondering if he and his wife are working on it...again. Wondering if he is thinking about me. I know he is bad. I know he has me so messed up. I do not want to go back to that behavior. In a pathetic way, I wanted to win. I wanted to be the one who walked out of the relationship. I am so messed up I don't know which way is up anymore.