I didn't contact him, but I really want to

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#1 Aug 31 - 1PM
hina702
hina702's picture

I didn't contact him, but I really want to

It has been 3 weeks since I was left by my NARC for another woman. The first 9 days he kept me hanging on by sending me texts making it seem like there was still hope to get back together. ON the 9th day he called me at midnight after I begged him to and he told me it was over as he had found his soul mate. Everything that I was not. I was a lost soul, a loser in life, he had done so much for me, I was a lost cause. He needed a woman ready to be in a relationship, grown up - I was neither. He said that we met for a reason and the reason was that so I could meet him and he could bestow upon me his wisdom and I could 'fix up' and maybe now I could find a nice man. After this horrific phone call he text to say he did no want to lose me and wanted me to remain in his life as his friend.

I blocked him. A few days later I send him a text saying that I now knew he manipulated me and used me and never loved me like he had once claimed. I was the girl of his dreams once upon a time. He had never felt this way before, he could tell I was vulnerable and would never hurt me. Except he did. More so than any other previous relationship. Although I text him, I kept him blocked so that he could not respond. 10 days later I felt week and unblocked him, thinking it had been 10 days since that horrible phone conversation and he has probably deleted me anyway. The next morning I receive a text from him saying "hi, how are you". I never responded.

I admit - he is still unblocked. A part of me wants him to reach out. But with something more. I want him to say that he misses me, that he made a mistake, that it is over with the other woman. So many days I type out long messages to him. Or even longer emails. But I delete before sending. I am too scared to reach out to him. I am too scared of his rejection yet again. I know it will not change anything. It will not bring him back.

My brain knows that I should not want him back. He was destroying me. I was only with him for 4 short months, but he did so much damage. I know if I had stayed with him for 4 months and 1 day, it would have only been worse.

But my heart - my heart longs for him. I have dreams about him still and wake up sobbing. I want to text him and tell him what he has done to me. When he asked me how I was doing - I want to be able to respond and tell him - I am broken. I am on the floor in a million pieces with nothing but my tears. I loved you. I loved you with all my heart - why was that not good enough for you> Why? I did everything I could and nothing was ever good enough. I hate you so much for the amount of pain you caused me, you promised so many times that you would never hurt me but that is exactly what you did. Please - don't do this to me. I was your girl. We were happy, don't you remember? Why do you not want to have those moments back? We could have it all. I love you. I love you.

But I say nothing. I know that reaching out to him is akin to taking a knife and stabbing myself in the eye. Instead I cry. And I sit and stare at the walls. And I hope. And I hope against all hope that he will soon grow tired of my replacement. That he will realize that I have had no contact with him and become afraid that he has in fact lost me. That he will reach out in a more sincere way then 'hi how are you'. That he misses me and maybe we can try again. I pray so badly that will happen. And I hope that by the time it does, I go and meet him and tell him that he could have had it all, that he did have it all, that i loved him. And I would have loved him until my dying day. But he lost. He lost it all.

Aug 31 - 3PM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Hi Hina