junibug on her own

Well, I finally made it this far. Been married to a N for about 15 years. My 2nd marriage. Okay, I'm in my 50's now and should be getting smarter. Same love-bombed beginning and it wasn't long after the wedding that the mask started to slip. I just thought he was moody and needed space. So I learned to give him all the space he wanted and didn't ask him for much in return. But years down the road, I was running on fumes, begging him for a crumb of affection or attention. Anything to feel the way I used to feel with him. I started to research this NPD thing about 2-3 years ago, but wasn't sure if he was, and still trying to make my marriage work. Read books, took up hobbies, went to church, prayed like crazy for God to please help me, help him, help us. Where did it get me? Well, last March I finally get enough backbone to confront him and tell him to make up his mind, is he in or out of this relationship. He says he's out and hasn't even had any feelings for me for over 4 years. Ouch. Okay - so much for direct communication. So I think about all of the changes I have gone through just to try and make his life good. (shades of co-dependency?) Moving every time he wanted to try a new job or career. Changing jobs so I could be closer to him. Financially supporting him when he couldn't find a job for months at a time. All the family illnesses and losses I've helped him grieve through (including helping with payment of final arraignments of his family I wasn't even related to). Co-signing to help him get the car he always wanted when he couldn't even save up enough for a down payment (okay - that was a desperate move on my part totally). Always with a cheerful demeanor and a grateful heart because I loved him and I wanted my life to be meaningful. He would be happy about 3 days, and then back to grumpy-pants man. 1 therapist I went to, told me he was probably clinically depressed (wow - and she charged $150 per hour for that zinger). His job for the past 6 years - OVR trucking - gone for 3-4 weeks at a time, then home about 4-5 days. My work is in an office, for a great firm, and I love my job and work associates, they are all fantastic people to work with. He would occasionally ask me if I wanted to quit my job and go on the road with him. Hell no I thought to myself. How boring. Just so I can sit next to you 24/7 so you can dribble on about how to shift gears correctly, and throw me out on the BFE road somewhere as soon as my bladder (and sanity) starts to give out?
Sooo, when he makes this admission, he also says he's moving out, but wants to remains friends. That doesn't sound right to me either. He goes to one meeting with me to the marriage counselor and tells her I'm a good woman, I'm funny, but I put God and animals ahead of people - oh and I'm too thick in the middle - he likes skinning girls preferably half his age. Okay - he didn't say it exactly like that, but you get the gist. He also tells her I can have the house, he can live in his big o'le truck - no problem. He says there is nothing in the house of any sentimental value to him. So I'm confused and the counselor is confused. No cheating, no financial issues, no life threatening illnesses? You want to call it quits because I love animals, people, God and country and I need to lose about 40 of "I've been in a lonely miserable frigg'n marriage for the past 15 years pounds?" Nice. Real Nice. So he goes back on the road, but continues to call me almost every single day to see how I'm doing - all super cheerful like. Why all the phone calls now? He's happy, I feel like a total moron. Lost, confused, heartbroken, betrayed, stabbed in the back. I close the door to my office and cry at my desk for weeks. My work product is crap the whole month of May. My co-workers stop by to try and cheer me up - did I mention how super wonderful my friends at work are? He comes home for a few days off, and instead of packing his stuff and leaving, he decides to drive 5 hours to his mom's house and visit her a few days and then come back to pack up just to go back out on the road for his work. Doesn't touch a thing of his in the house. Still got a closet full of clothes (fantasy - douse his crap in the closet with gasoline and torch - but outside). Well, is he moving out or just having fun twisting the knife around in my soul? (y'all probably know the answer - right?) Counselor tells me I need to start setting boundaries, so last month I go to the den in the house(more like his man cave) where he has all his safe driving awards on the walls, musician/concert posters, music stuff, family photos, etc., and I pack them all up nicely in boxes and put them out in the garage by the hot-rod car that he said he had to have, and would make him so happy. A few days later, he calls me and says "I want to try". I say "try what?". He says "try and work it out". I say it's a little too late for that. The counsel asked you weeks ago, and you said you didn't want to try or change. If you want to try, you need to go talk to a professional. He heatedly says "I don't need to talk to anyone but YOU". I say all you do is try to manipulate me. Of course he denies this (probably can't even spell manipulate) so, I go on to say "you said you were done. I believed you, so I am done and trying to move on now". Then he starts with the stupid weight thing again. If you would just try and lose some weight (waa waa waa, my wife is a middle aged grandma, and doesn't look like the porn hookers I keep hidden on my ipad - like I don't know about crap either). I say, even if I lost all the weight, you would still find something wrong with me to push me away like you always do. If my self-esteem is low, it's because you put that on me. He has no response to this and there is a long pause. So I say, if you have nothing else, I'm going. hang up bye bye. A few days later he calls to say he has a run through our town and wants to drop by the house to drop off money so I can pay his car note (yes for his happy car) and other bills for him. Of course when he does, he sees all his personal stuff from the den in boxes in the garage. Wow - I think I finally blew his mind, or a circuit. He hasn't called me in over 2 weeks (a super duper long silent treatment!), and I am feeling very empowered for the first time in a very long time. However, I still feel the urge to call him and see how he's doing and why hasn't he called. But I know it would be like stick'n my head in a crocodile's mouth - so I am not going there.
I know I still have a very long road ahead and I still have to deal with the eventual divorce and more fallout, blowback, temper tantrums, and general hatefulness that I do expect from him, since he won't be getting his way anymore. So I will be coming back here regularly for support and guidance in dealing with this fraud of a human I once thought was the love of my life and best friend ever. It may seem for now I haven't gotten very far, but it my mind, I have at least decided to climb this bitch of a mountain and I am not giving up till I get to the top (wish I could stick a flag in his ass too just for my victory dance). Ladies (and a few gents out there), thank you for letting me put part of my story out there. Peace - XOX