The Most Beautiful Man...

Six years ago while I was on my morning run, I looked up as I ran by him. The only thing I remember was saying to myself, "I think I just saw the most beautiful man in the world". After that initial first look, we would run by each other almost every day for the next six months. After a while of just looks, he started to wave hello and then a, " how are you" as he ran by. I was in love with him before I ever even met him. It motivated me to get out there and run every day...

By the time he got the courage to actually stop me, I had a whole ideal scenario playing out in my head. He had to be special, the universe brought him to me. Anyway, it didn't matter, the most beautiful man in the world finally got the courage to start a real conversation with me. Little did he know, or did he? That he had me hooked months earlier.

I'll never forget that first conversation. He just stopped running, smiled and put his hands up as if to say "where are you going". Then asked, so how was your Thanksgiving? We started walking together and talking. He was adorable, charming and funny. He told me so much about himself, I was walking on air. His car was parked down by where we run and he asked me if I wanted a ride home. We sat in his car for two hours that morning. I learned everything about him. It was like a connection that I had never felt before. It seemed like I learned his whole life story that day. The issues with his "psycho" ex wife. And how he wants to be a great father but she makes it very hard, etc. I learned about all his problems, childhood, family,etc. he drove me home and we realized that we lived across the street from each other. Well, diagonally. The parking lot to his bldg. is directly across from my house. As I write this, I can look out my window and see his car parked there.

Over the next three months, he met me every day by our running place. If he didn't run, he would park his car and wait for me to finish. We would talk for hours most days and he would take me home. It became our daily routine. He never asked me out and we weren't sexually involved although he would kiss me passionately. I was in love with him. We became best buddies who kissed all the time. No mention was ever made about a girlfriend and I learned very quickly not to ask too many questions. First I wasn't ready for my bubble to burst and second, he was expert at steering our conversations in the direction he wanted. Always about him, his life, problems, all him. But I didn't mind. I felt our connection was so strong and amazing that he couldn't possibly be involved with anyone else. He made me feel like I was "an angel sent to him when he needed me most". "The most awesome person he ever met". But he wasn't ready to be in a relationship after his marriage was such a disaster and he was afraid of commitment. I secretly felt I would be the one to change all that... I was patient, a best friend, a running partner. When I would ask what he was doing on the weekends, he would say he had his kids and they would go to the movies...

It was always so easy and fun for us to be together, although I could remember a few occasions when I was listening to yet another horror story about his ex wife, I may have suggested he apologize or maybe I criticized something. He would get really angry at me and I wouldn't hear from him for a few days. Now I realize he was probably busy and needed an out.

After six months of this easy friends, but more than friends relationship, he was firmly planted in my head. I was hooked. He was all I ever thought about. I couldn't get enough of him. One day he said he needed to talk to me. He was really upset. He then proceeded to tell me that he got some girl pregnant. He had only dated her for a little while, he wasn't really involved with her and was trying to end their fling when she got pregnant on purpose. He said he wanted nothing to do with her but would support the baby and wanted to be part of his life. When I heard this, it rattled me to the core and I let him know that I couldn't be friends with him anymore, that he had too much going on I his life that I wasn't even aware of and I said good luck but I'm sorry, I can't do this. I also found out that day that he was also involved with another girl on and off for ten years. Before, during and after his short lived marriage. So I stepped out of his life.

Within four days of this, he started chasing me like crazy. Calling every day, begging me to see him, he needed me in his life, he couldn't breathe without me... Slowly, he had me back into our daily routine again. I loved him and believed him when he told me how much he needed me and couldn't live without me. He hated this girl that was pregnant with his child. He would talk about what a psycho she was.

Four months later, I felt that things weren't going to the next level, I would go I to self protection mode and I ended it with him. He just would never let me go. Then we began having sex. We or I fell in love with him and thought I was the only one now. This is how the next five years went...

I would begin to feel something was off, he was seeing the baby mama or the other girl, so I would break up with him. At first he wouldn't let an hour go by without calling and begging and telling me what I wanted to hear, but as time went on he would stay away for longer each time. Meantime, baby mama moved away with baby, but moved back, things would be good with us, I would then sense something was off, I would end it, he wouldn't let me go. This was the regular cycle.

The last two years were when things were the best with us. Baby mama got married and moved far away. Other girl and him were completely over. If there was anyone else, I didn't sense it. He told me he was done looking! We had ups and downs but I never got the commitment I so longed for. We did everything together. Sex was great, but empty. There was nothing deep about our relationship. It was so superficial and I knew it but I was hooked on him.

Baby mama leaves husband and moves back. I knew what was next. It took six months but it happened and I knew it. He would tell me he had no use for her and that he didn't speak to her at all except about the child. He would pick up his son and drop him off without saying a word to her. When I realized something was going on, he looked me in the eye and said, "you know I don't speak to that bitch". Not only was he speaking to her but sleeping with her as well! I ended it or should I say, it never really ended, not in the way a relationship ends. He became distant, I told him to stay away.

That was ten months ago. He tried getting me back a few times with lazy texts but I ignored it all. His pattern has been and continues to be, showing up where we run at least once a month. He flirts, waits for me, demands he drive me home and then I don't see him for a few weeks when he does the same thing.

I found this site because I thought something really had to be wrong with me. Ten months and he was still taking up so much room in my head. I started to read and finally realized he is a textbook narcissist. I'm okay! I'm going to be okay. The last time I saw him was a few days ago. Same thing as every month since we broke up. He doesn't want me to get over him. On my birthday a few months ago, he texted me at 5:00 am. Just wanted to be the first to wish you a happy birthday! How arrogant to assume that he would be the first? Or that he even has the right to be the first person to wish me a happy birthday. His birthday is next week and I would chop my hands off first before sending him a message. I'm hoping no message will be a louder one!

Writing this felt good. There's so much more detail I could have given, but it's all the same... The hot and cold, everything on his terms, barely becoming involved with my family, the lies... The most beautiful man in the world was wearing a mask to hide the monster that he really is....