One year ago today

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#1 Jul 26 - 6AM
forgivingmyself
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One year ago today

It just hit me that it was a year ago today that the final discard happened. It really strikes me now that last year I thought I had everything I'd never known I'd wanted- a man who was constantly talking about our future together and planning our wedding and children. A man so "sensitive" that he could only be himself with me and was always telling me he would never leave. I remember wondering what was wrong with me for feeling so insecure with a man who was so forthright with his emotions and demonstrative in front of others.

The final discard was the biggest shock I've ever experienced. I spent months reeling from all the blame and pity that was thrown my way. He owed me money and I've had to continue to deal with his lies from a distance through work. I was very embarrassed because I work assessing people with PD and mental illness everyday. I felt I should have seen what is so clear to me now- I've even heard colleagues (who have no idea I know him) comment on his narcissistic traits from when they worked with him!

I used to think that I wouldn't ever heal, that I needed him and his drama to feel loved and alive, that I would never be free of him. It's easy to feel at times like they'll be too many barriers to moving on but I can see now that I didn't want to let go of the relationship despite knowing how toxic it had been. I focused on the barriers because I craved him, I craved the fantasy he built and I craved the drama. I wanted to believe that the amazing guy who existed during each love-bombing was real and still existed somewhere. It was only after starting counselling that I realised that I have long had issues with letting others set the boundaries and meeting their expectations rather than setting my own.

I've been back living with family since that day and it seems like so much has happened. In the last year I have saved money towards a house deposit and am moving into my own house next week. I have written off the money owed to me because there's no way it's worth chasing that money anymore. I have changed jobs and now have a job which I love and feel successful in. Don't get me wrong I do get an anxious flutter when I hear things from time to time about my ex but it's become so much easier to walk away now that I know what I know. I am so much better now than I was before. I feel more stable, I am not always second guessing myself and I no longer need any validation or recognition from certain people to make things "ok". I am in no rush to settle down and feel like there are so many options in life. It might sound cheesy but the future's bright now that the future's mine. I am so relieved to not be stuck thinking about a fantasy that wasn't even mine to begin with!

This forum continues to be invaluable in my recovery. Thank you so much to everyone who shares their experience and support.

FM

Jul 30 - 2PM
Journey
Journey's picture

Congratulations on one year

Journey on...

Jul 26 - 4PM
Empatheticmale
Empatheticmale's picture

Glad to hear things are going so well!

Jul 26 - 9AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Keep this Buzz Alive. Hunter

Jul 29 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
spinning
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Ditto, FM, what an

spinning