I still hurt but it's getting better!

Well, it's been 151 days (5 months) since the final D&D at Denver Airport. I chose to post today because I was with the N exactly 151 days before he discarded me curbside like a piece of trash and never looked back. To date, he has never contacted me.

In the early days, I had periods of NC but in moments of weakness and sadness, I attempted to reach out to him in texts and telephone calls. Like others, I tried to make sense of the nonsense and thought if I said just the right thing, or texted the perfect phrase, that he would come to his senses and actually feel...something. Of course, he never has.

Since I discovered this site I have read every morning when I wake up, every night before I go to sleep, and yes, even sometimes in the middle of the night when I can't sleep or worse, when I wake from eerie dreams of him. I read any and every time I have an urge to do something stupid like contact him. I am happy to report that while it's only been 47 days (since 6/5/14) since I have reached out to him, at least I have 47 days of NC and this time, I have blocked every avenue for him to make contact should he do so in the future. Due to his coldness, it's not likely, but you never know and most importantly, I don't want to know. I've deleted hundreds of pictures from my computer and phone, and all voicemail messages are gone! These were some of the most difficult things to do but, I did it. All part of the "letting go" process I'm certain.

I'm a long way from being over this relationship (or whatever it was) and cured from this heartache, but I feel better alone (I was always lonely when I was with him). I no longer feel anxious or walk on egg shells wondering if something I said or did would make him stop talking to me or worse, leave me. I remember the last day I saw him and even then while in the midst of tremendous pain and disbelief, there was in an odd way....relief. There was nothing left that he could do that I feared. It had all...already happened. I just didn't know what "it" was until I discovered this site.

If it weren't for this site, the people who responded to a couple of my posts and especially the moderators for their support and encouragement the last 5 months, I don't know where I would be. Thank you for always reminding me that contact = pain.