Things You Don't Want to Hear Or Believe

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#1 Jul 16 - 11AM
Portia
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Things You Don't Want to Hear Or Believe

There have been some very interesting threads on the forum in the last few days. Some great topics to comment on, and consider. Here is an example:

"I am here because I am in pain, and I want help. However, I prefer to feel the pain and have the N in my life than to do the work I need to do to get stronger and better."

This is not an exact quote, but when YOU choose to break NC and see if your N has suddenly "changed" or "learned his/her lesson" and you can really have that "special" relationship you always wanted -- what are you actually saying, to yourself and everyone else? You are running back to Fantasy Land, asking for more abuse, asking for magical thinking to be real, and then you are surprised when you are hurt again? Maybe worse than the time before?

There is an old expression, the first time someone hurts you, shame on them. You may well be a victim in this instance. The second time, shame on you. You knew better, you let it happen. You are not a victim in this exchange. You may be an addict -- but ONLY YOU can change your addiction.

No matter how many sweet words bait the trap, no matter how contrite the N appears, at the moment,no matter whether you have any doubt about just how the mate is disordered -- YOU were treated badly, and YOU are going back for more.

Until you buckle down, deal with the pain, deal with the delusions you were raised with, deal with the separation anxiety and all the legal issues, deal with who you really are and how you want to live your life -- you will repeat the same mistakes over and over and over.

Break the cycle of abuse. There are some great folks on this forum who understand all too well how it feels to be where you are. The bottom line is, It Is Up To YOU!!!!

Any thoughts on the matter? Or any of the other opportunities for discussion that have popped up lately?
I have been here a long time, and I am pretty content most of the time now -- but I didn't get to where I am by living in denial, anymore, and I had to do a lot of work on establishing just what my values and boundaries are. I am not "special" -- I am just determined that I will not live the rest of the life I have left in misery.

It is not easy to fix what is wrong with your self, but it is well worth the effort. Believe that YOU are worth the time and effort it takes. I read the topics and comments on this forum almost everyday because it is like attending an AA meeting for me. It helps me stay strong. I believe some of the strongest and most authentic people I have ever known regularly pay it forward on this forum. Thanks to all those who have given me a helping hand, and let me extend my hand in gratitude for all that help.

There is no shame in asking for assistance, but when you ask, LISTEN TO THE ANSWER. You've really known what it is, all along.

Jul 17 - 3PM
terri
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Many good observations here

Believe in yourself!
Terri

Jul 17 - 6PM (Reply to #14)
Portia
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Terri -- it is important to continue to grow!

Jul 17 - 10AM
lessonlearned
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well, yes

Jul 17 - 6PM (Reply to #12)
Portia
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Quality time, lesson learned!

Jul 17 - 9AM
Janie53
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Portia

Jul 17 - 6PM (Reply to #10)
Portia
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Janie - you always have a clear vision!

Jul 16 - 10PM
spt
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I love this. "I am not

Jul 17 - 7PM (Reply to #8)
Portia
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spt - coming back to reality is the real treat!

Jul 16 - 3PM
Journey
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So true Portia, and another

Journey on...

Jul 17 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
strikeapose
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Encouragement

Jul 17 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
Journey
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Strikeapose, your sadness is

Journey on...

Jul 17 - 7PM (Reply to #6)
Portia
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And so it goes, Journey

Jul 16 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
spinning
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And so true to you, too,

spinning

Jul 17 - 7PM (Reply to #3)
Portia
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You do receive the help you need when you give help, spinning