Strength to move forward

When I first got pregnant for my kids father again I was devastated. I was finally at a point where I was completely miserable in the relationship and wanted nothing but to be free. Getting pregnant made me feel stuck and I knew it would be that much harder to leave. Throughout my entire pregnancy he treated me horribly. He cheated on me and constantly yelled and screamed at me. I was extremely emotional while pregnant and I felt that he used that as a weapon against me. When I suffered from horribly morning sickness he yelled at me and told me that I was just being dramatic and that I was probably making myself sick. At one point he even left me for someone else he had just met at a bar. The worst part is he didn't even breakup with me he just stopped speaking to me and refused to answer my phone calls. My pregnancy was miserable and I never felt so alone in my entire life. I had to buy everything the baby needed on my own and if I asked him to help me he would get upset and tell me that I only wanted him around when I needed something which is completely untrue because he does absolutely nothing to help me with the kids. Anyway, I worked and did everything on my own to get ready for the baby. Meanwhile he constantly asked me for money and requested that I help him. So finally the day comes that I start having contractions. I sent him numerous texts telling him that my mom and sisters had taken me to the hospital and I had been admitted since I was dilating. I realized that he had blocked my number, which was weird because we had just spoken the night before. I then sent him a text from my mother's phone to let him know I was in labor. He immediately called and and started to apologize for blocking my number. His excuse was that he was upset with me the night before and didn't want to be bothered. I was extremely upset so I started crying and he was apologizing and telling me that he was upset and that he was so sorry and he would be different now. I told him what hospital I was at and he promised he would come see me. A few hours went by and I didn't hear from him so I called him back and his phone when straight to voicemail. So I was in labor and had no way of getting in contact with him. Finally, he called me and told me his phone had died and gave me an attitude telling me that he hoped I was actually in labor and not false labor because he didn't want me to ruin his 4th of July plans. I told him to go ahead and attend his plans and I would just have the baby alone. I couldn't believe he was being so insensitive towards me while I was in labor. He kept on calling and every time he called he gave me an excuse of why he probably wouldn't be able to make it to me in time. When it would only take him 30 minutes to arrive at the hospital. I refused to beg him to be there though, if it were important enough to him he would have been there. The worst part of this entire scenario is while I was in labor on the phone with him he had the audacity to try to speak to another girl on the street. He didn't even have the slightest respect as to restrain himself while he was speaking to me. When I confronted him about it he became upset and made it seem like I was the wrong one for even getting upset with him about making gross remarks about some other girls appearance while I was experiencing horrible contractions. So I ended up having my baby with his presence. My family was there for me though and I realized that I was wrong for feeling along this entire time. I was never alone I was blessed to be surrounded by so many wonderful, supportive people that were there for me and my baby. I was also strong enough to go through pregnancy and labor without him. Seeing my baby for the first time in a way filled all those empty holes I always felt. I was finally no longer afraid of being without him or scared to cut him out of my life. The love I felt for my child replaced all the horrible things I had experienced the months leading up to his birth. My kids father attempted to bother me after my son was born. He called me the next day complaining and yelling and screaming at me for money. What kind of person harasses someone who just have birth for money? I couldn't believe at one point in my life I thought the feelings we had for each other to be love. I don't think I've ever really been in love before but I'm 100% sure this is not what love feels like. My son came about a month early so he has to stay in the NICU for a while. His hasn't really shown too much concern for him, he calls occasionally to ask if he's okay but it almost feels as if he just feels obligated rather than sincerely caring. While I was pregnant he hid my pregnant from everyone. After I have birth I sent him pictures of the baby and he didn't show anyone or put anyone on his Instagram when he puts every picture of everything online. When I questioned him about it he said he was embarrassed to have three kids now and he didn't want people to judge him. So I finally made a decision and for the first time I'm completely sure. There is no doubt in my mind this is the right decision for my kids and myself. I have decided to move forward completely and leave this man completely in the past.