My Story 10 years

First of all thank you so much for your website and book. I do not know where I would be without your "spot on" advice. From my heart…thanks.

I broke up with my narc 6 weeks ago after 9 ½ years in a "relationship". I always knew he was egocentric but I didn't know anything about NPD and I did not know the extent of his selfishness. Only after I broke up did I look online about egocentric/narcissistic people and read about NPD. As I was reading about NPD my eyes are popping out of my head….OMG..this is exactly him. It was some comfort to know about this personality disorder but I was left with my hands holding the past 10 years in a bag. I searched again and found your web site and downloaded the ebook and started reading about me and my recovery.I have been feeling everything you describe in your book. I am re-reading it again. I am going to follow all of the steps and plan my journey. Even though intellectually I can say that I did NOTHING wrong – and I tell myself that every minute – I still feel duped, stupid, naïve and ask myself why I didn't follow my gut and get rid of this asshole. As I look back I can pinpoint several times when I should have walked away. Then the last year or so….I knew he was drifting away (d and d). I thought I was dealing with a normal person and we could work out the eb and flow of the relationship. I thought we were solid and he was the one I was going to have as my companion for the rest of my life.

But he discarded me. He couldn't even break it off. I had to be the one to say…I am done. But he made it evident, without saying, that he didn't love me anymore. I had no choice. No explanation, no I am sorry, no nothing – like he is without feeling.

When I broke it off –he had to drive me to the airport, I just said goodbye and took my suitcase and walked into the airport and never looked back. I was devastated because no one should treat me like he did. Not even giving me a second thought. No compassion/empathy whatsoever. I am determined to be NC.

Now that I know about NPD, I can see over the 10 years the insidious cruelty that is hard to describe– I feel abused and traumatized. I have never been abused in my life before this. I am going to take a while to heal. What hurts is the 10 year effort on my part and believing the narc, only to be thrown in the garbage pile. I thought I meant something special to narc – especially after 10 years. But no.

I met narc and we were in LOVE, so wonderful and fun. Lots of gifts and fun trips.Lots of loving words and compliments. I still look back and see all of the fun times we had. WE had a life routine and it was nice. You can imagine 10 years - I was happy - but I was in denial. I try to keep my list of “things I will never forget” close by so that I can stop looking at the past with the rose colored glasses.

I will never forget the silent treatments - we would argue and he would be in such a rage that he couldn’t even talk to me. Meanwhile, during the silent try, I was an extreme basket case thinking that he would never call me again - not sleeping, crying, and had to leave work because I was breaking down crying at work. but then usually a week later he would be back like nothing happened.

He is so negative, black and white, critical, drives like a maniac, rude in a group, the topic of conversation is limited to his 3 fav topics, ugh, why do I love him so ….still. He cant get along with his family (which should have been a red flag for me) I laugh because the pictures on the wall of his apartment are 99% of him. LOL. He would walk in a room and force everyone to notice him and the conversation always returned to his 3 fav topics. He was so enamored of his looks.

A year or so ago he began to distance himself. But I still need the intimacy and we talk about that. I tell him my needs for connection, but he just looks at me with a puzzled look. Now after reading about NPD I know that he has no comprehension of connection or intimacy.

One of the silent treatments was when I was crying about something that I wished he would do for me - he got enraged and gave me the silent treatment so after that I never cried in front of him (this is changing my "self" to suit him)

For most of our time together we lived in the same area, but recently he retired and moved away. He always reassured me that we would work it out - visit each other as much as possible. All my friends thought this was so strange for him to move away. But it was his dream of retirement and of course I would suffer anything for him. Why didn't I see that he did nothing for me.

I excused so much in him that I wouldn’t have in another situation. A few months ago I remember having a fleeting thought “what has happened to me, where did I go”. Now, after reading Lisa’s book, I know that whenever you are in a relationship with NPD you leave your “self” at the door.

About 6 weeks ago I guess I was ready for the answer. I asked him how he really felt about me because I just didn't feel the connection any more. His response was jaw dropping to me…he said… "I haven't really thought about it”. To which I said, OK we are done here, I am moving forward. That was it…too bad I still had 2 more full days with him before my flight home. But I "powered" through the two more days, we said nothing to each other of significance. At one point I asked him if he had thought any more about things…"no".
Even though things were winding down in his mind for a year – to me this was like one minute we are a loving couple with a fantastic past and a forever future….and the next minute … nothing.

I became a shell of myself, not my true self, a chameleon changing to his needs. I find my mind is in a fog – from the dissonance of trying to make sense of this. I find myself listening exclusively to classical music (which I haven't listened to in years) - I think I am listening to classical because the music is orderly and follows rules and is in harmony. It gives me peace of sorts.

I have been "narced". This is true abuse to the nth degree….trauma. Nothing less.

I have tried to be NC, and I have been, but yesterday he ccd me on an email forward. I opened it and it was an email about something of his that gotten stolen. but I started to think about him again plus my best friend and her husband are on the email cc too. Why do I care about someone who treated me so cruelly. Why do I feel sorry for him for his stolen item. he probably agonized over the stolen item much more than he agonized over losing me. It is hard to think that my friends will still be friends with him.

Thanks for listening. For 6 weeks I have been checking this website and it really helps.