Holy Crap, I moved out four years ago!!!

It has been 4 years ago (I think exactly today!) that I moved out from the Narc who fueled my emotional collapse.

My story is that the horrible treatment that I received as a child set things into place so that I would tolerate abusive treatment as an adult. I knew how to navigate those waters, and they were familiar. I thought I knew how to minimize my own feelings to get along with others.

I was wrong. It builds and builds, this stuffing down of one's own feelings in order to get along with others. The power comes back in when I understand that I don't have to accept crappy behavior anymore. Of course, that might mean that I have to remove the person from my life who is delivering the abuse. Add in some co-dependency, and a fear of being alone, and the perfect formula has been created for a Narc to make a nest.

I think a narc can spot a mark a mile away. Like now, I think I can spot a narc a mile away. Funny how things turn and evolve when the suffering is strong enough to bring one to their knees in surrender.

I have to give some kind of credit to the ex wife Narc who I lived with for 14 years. I got so humbled, humiliated, abused, and hurt that I lost myself completely. In that state I suffered immensely. It was necessary...my situation was such that personal growth was long overdue. My childhood issues had not been dealt with sufficiently...my insecurities hadn't been examined and dealt with enough to find closure...my impenetrable wall that I erected so long ago was so well hidden that I could not see it!...

My recovery isn't over...I am growing, not grown...but I am not afraid to be hurt today, nor am I afraid to reject those who will hurt me, if that makes sense. I don't need to be an emotional island, but I won't mistake dysfunction for companionship anymore.

A lot of my problems were not of the Narc's making...hard to see that in early recovery! My unresolved issues/problems actually made me available to the Narc. As the web becomes unraveled in recovery we get to experience many things that have been latently resting, waiting for a crisis to bring them up to the surface.

This past 4 years has been a revelation to me. Terrible, consuming, liberating, and finally, calming. I am at peace with who I am today. Well worth the price of admission!

ds