New and struggling

Hi everyone. I just recently discovered this awesome website as I was reading everything online to understand what the **** I've been dealing with for the last 5 years. My story is long and complicated, and I haven't shared it here yet. I have realised that I have been dealing with an NPD. My best friend, the man I did everything for... The last 5 years of my life I have done nothing but focusing on him as far as my social life is concerned. I'm married and have a baby, and for that I'm grateful, but I also feel like the loneliest person on the planet. We live far away from each other, I was the one spending 11 hours one way (!!) to go see him as often as possible. There is so much to say about our close (too close) friendship, and what I have been putting up with over the years, but I don't have the energy to go into details right now. Long story short, he has been lying to me and he was controlling, and very jealous, this whole time. He recently confessed that he has been telling me a huge lie, starting one year into the closest friendship I've ever experienced. I was very hurt and angry, and he begged me to please forgive him. I said I needed some time, we kept staying in touch but I was still angry and working on getting over it. Then one day, all of a sudden, he told me all kinds of nasty things and left me in order to get on with his next supply. Guess he was done with me. Just to give you guys a picture of how close we were (or how close I was to him): in 2010-2011 he was suicidal (or so he said). He had the plan ready for when/if he wanted to off himself. Told me he would do it at night, text me while I was asleep so that I couldn't do anything to stop it. Every night I begged him not to do anything stupid, when we said goodnight. He always told me he couldn't promise me anything. I cried myself to sleep so many times thinking he might be gone the next day.

I told him to go to hell and never talk to me again 14 days ago. We haven't spoken since but my problem is that I keep breaking NC, by for example googling him. Why am I doing that? He hurt me like no one else has ever hurt me. He should be dead to me. Why am I obsessing over him when I want nothing to do with him? Is it because I never got closure? I can't stop thinking about what he has done to me.

Thanks for reading and please excuse my English, it's my second language.