Dolly and Daddy

I was reading today, and a passage I read made me think about the dynamic between girls and their fathers, and reminded me of a line from an old Dolly Parton song, "For Daddy".

In my book, the character was explaining to a friend why she felt the way she did about her relationship with a former husband -- why she had been attracted and why she had stayed, even though the relationship had not been good for her and he had not been good to her. She had been unfortunate enough to have both a Narcistic mother and a series of stepfathers -- none ever paid her much attention. So even though she despised her mother, she learned to manipulate men the way her mother did. She learned to use sex to attract men and to extract things of value from the men. She explained that even though her stepfathers had never wanted her, she had still wanted their approval and attention. She had not had a father's love, so she sought male approval by whatever means she could obtain it. The "things" she sought were validation of her desirablity.

If you think back to family of origin issues, you can see why a girl's relationship with her father is such a powerful thing, emotionally. If your father (or stepfather) doesn't love you, you get used to emotionally distant and unobtainable men. When a male pays attention to you (love-bombing) you get the attention you have been starved for. Is it any wonder you become addicted? My father was the N, and my mother was the co-dependent. It took me years of therapy and study to learn to deal with that dynamic. I still have issues -- I am just more aware of them now.

So, anyway, those of you who are wondering "Why did this happen to me?" or "Should I leave?" think about your FOO -- what has your past taught you to expect? What do you want your daughter to expect, or your son to emulate? Staying under the influence of an N can only cause more of a bad influence -- on you, on your children, on any chance of happiness you may have in this life.

In Dolly Parton's song the children wake up one morning to find their mother has left their father. Dolly's lyric echos the explanation the children were given -- their mother didn't need anything but to take care of her husband and families' needs, according to the song. But their mother left a note that told a different story -- she said, to the father, "I have wanted you so long, but I just can't keep holding on." Dolly concluded, "She never meant to come back home, if she did, she never did say so to daddy."

I always loved that song, but it made me tear up. I know why now. I always wanted my father's attention and approval, and I was never going to get it. Accepting that was hard, but now I have moved on. I had the same experience with the N relationships I had. Once I accepted that they were never going to change, I moved on.

I never mean to go back either, and even if it crosses my mind, I never will say so to Daddy. Goodbye to Daddy!