365.242 Days

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#1 Jun 23 - 6PM
Willow
Willow's picture

365.242 Days

365.242 Days
8765.81 Hours
525949 Minutes

One year.

Without him.

It's been a year since the final D&D, a full year since I've seen xN, and in a couple of weeks it will be one year complete NC.

It's hard to re-cap a year like this one. There has never been another like it in all my years on this earth. But I'm going to try, for those of you just starting the journey towards healing, or those of you who know you have to, but haven't found the strength to leave it all behind yet...
______________________________

He was afraid of spiders and the dark. He seemed harmless, mostly pitiful and lost. I wasn't afraid of him. I wasn't afraid of anything really, I'd been through too much. I was strong. I could handle him. I could handle anything. I was damn intent on fixing him, making his life better. I bent over backwards trying to please him, trying to prove my devotion, my love, subconsciously trying to earn his.

I wasn't afraid of him.

But I should have been.

He brought me to my knees. It was cold and calculated, manufactured to inflict maximum pain, and boy oh boy, he succeeded. I was devastated beyond anything I could ever have imagined and I didn't know yet why. About a month after D&D I met up with a friend I've had since Kindergarten. She said, "I've known you for 40 years, I've never seen you like this!" She hadn't. I hadn't either. The pain was excruciating. The hurt was deep. I didn't think a wound that deep would ever go away. I didn't know how to fix what I thought he'd broken.

Somewhere in that fog of pain and misery that was the first month, I found the Path Forward site. I googled "being thrown away like trash," which led me to NPD and then this site. I didn't join right away. I just read and read and read. I can't even tell you how many hours I read this site and elsewhere online. I ordered books on Psychopaths and Narcissists and read those too. I read until I had a very good understanding of him and his disorder.

And then everything stalled. I understood the disorder as well as I ever would. I realized all of my past relationships had also been with disordered/emotionally unavailable men and that the common denominator was me. I was stuck. I had no idea why I was attracted to them or they to me. I didn't know what I was doing wrong. I'm a good person. I help people when I can. I don't lie, cheat or steal. I'm kind and giving and always figured those to be good qualities. I was under the false assumption that you get back what you give in life. That's something I've always heard. Something I've always blindly believed. I say blindly because I always held up my end of that belief, but never really stopped to pay attention that the others weren't holding up their end. It was always me being kind, giving, loving, forgiving. I never noticed how little I was getting in return.

I see that and so much more now. I know what I was doing wrong and I got to the bottom of why I was doing it. And I owe all of that to Goldie's support group. I will never be able to truly express the gratitude I have for Goldie. I often see posts where people are hesitant to join group, make excuses or blame finances for not taking it and I just think if you knew, really knew how life changing (and saving) it is, you would do everything in your power to make it happen.

I don't know where I'd be without this site and the group. I'd probably be feeling better, as I have when enough time has passed following the demise of other bad relationships, but I know for certainty that I'd end up with another one just like him, because that's what happened time and again over a 30 year dating span.

The cycle can be broken. I can say with confidence I will never end up with another one. My narcdar is fine tuned and I can see them coming a mile away, but even more importantly, is that I've spent this last year learning to love myself, learning to validate myself and learning to let love in. I've always known how to give it, but having not been a recipient in my FOO, accepting love was mostly foreign to me.

These changes take time and effort. They take work. But the results are life changing. People respond differently. The takers are no longer attracted to me. I no longer attract them with my need to people please, because I no longer have the urge to people please, nor do I have any desire to try and fix another person. I am concerned with fixing myself only. I don't feel sorry for xN anymore, though I did for a long time. Now if I feel a need to feel sorry for someone, I feel sorry for the little girl who I used to be. I grieve for the lost years and the wasted time, effort and money on undeserving people. And then I let go and get back to life.

I remember in the early days of reading this site and reading a post from someone a year out and just closing my eyes and praying that time would fast forward somehow so I could skip all the pain and be one year out too. Now it's here and it actually went pretty fast. I know I wouldn't have been able to skip the year even if it was possible, it was necessary for learning, healing and growth.

If you're a couple of days or a couple of weeks or a couple of months out, please know that it gets better and better each day, each week, each month. It won't always feel the way it does right now. It won't always be the center of your universe. Time, NO CONTACT and hard work on you (with the right guidance) will work their magic if you let them.

365.242 Days
8765.81 Hours
525949 Minutes

One year.

Of freedom.

From toxic people.
From spinning my wheels trying to earn non-existent love from people who never could or would provide it.
From false belief systems, conditioning and societal myths.
From silent treatments and walking on eggshells wondering when the other shoe would drop.
From feeling like I have to earn love to knowing I am lovable just the way I am.
From takers and all the negativity they bring.

And the freedom to choose me first. To choose who I have in my life and most of all to choose happiness knowing that I deserve all that and so much more.

And it's priceless.

Love Willow xo

Jul 24 - 3AM
antoinetteb
antoinetteb's picture

So inspiring

Jul 24 - 11AM (Reply to #20)
Willow
Willow's picture

Good for you antoinetteb! You

Jul 23 - 1AM
backontrack64
backontrack64's picture

Thankyou ! I have only been

Jul 23 - 10PM (Reply to #18)
Willow
Willow's picture

You're welcome, back. I'm

Jun 25 - 11PM
Ready4Me
Ready4Me's picture

Reading these kinds of posts

Jun 26 - 11PM (Reply to #16)
Willow
Willow's picture

I'm glad posts like this help

Jun 25 - 7PM
Goldie
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Congrats Willow on your success and progress! Happy Anniversary!

Jun 26 - 11PM (Reply to #14)
Willow
Willow's picture

Ah Goldie, What can I say?

Jun 25 - 9AM
Used
Used's picture

Willow

Jun 26 - 11PM (Reply to #12)
Willow
Willow's picture

Thank you Used!

Jun 25 - 12AM
Journey
Journey's picture

This is such a fantastic

Journey on...

Jun 26 - 11PM (Reply to #10)
Willow
Willow's picture

Thank you Journey! Yours was

Jun 24 - 7AM
Janie53
Janie53's picture

Willow

Jun 24 - 8PM (Reply to #8)
Willow
Willow's picture

Thanks Janie! I love Dr.

Jun 23 - 9PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

No pain no gain! You

Jun 23 - 9PM (Reply to #6)
Willow
Willow's picture

Thank you Hunter! Though I

Jun 23 - 8PM
Ophelia Standin...
Ophelia Standing Tall's picture

It is truly amazing

Jun 23 - 9PM (Reply to #4)
Willow
Willow's picture

Thank you Ophelia! More

Jun 23 - 8PM
ItsFinallytime
ItsFinallytime's picture

If I could give you a

Jun 23 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
Willow
Willow's picture

Thank you IFT. You have made