8 months after

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#1 Jun 18 - 8AM
cmarie666
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8 months after

Hello everyone,

I have not posted in awhile but have continued to read the inspirational posts with hope and the sad ones with prayers. It has been 8 months since I broke up with my ex narc and I have been doing my best to stay no contact. I have had to block his phone number three seperate times, change my e-mail and constantly have to stay strong. He looks for any opening any weakness. There was a time when this is what I wanted for him to try, I don't I just want him to go away. He has a girlfriend who is blindly in love with him yet that greedy bastard won't leave me alone. He bombards me with apologies and love and on the few occasions when I broke down and gave in I was met with rage and praise to his current girlfriend. I could go on but I'm sure you all know the story. This piticular post was promted by an e-mail I had recieved yesterday at work from him, confessing his constant thoughts of me and need to talk. I didn't feel love or excitement. I felt sick to my stomach, literally shaking with anger, fear and sadness. I still feel sick, how could I, why would I, how could any of this be real? Thats when I start blaming myself and almost break down from all the hard work I have been putting in. There is no doubt i still have love for him and I am deeply hurt over everything that has happened. Last time we spoke I wished him the best, wished him luck on his new relationship. All I want is to put good energy out and if not at least get it back be spared manipulation and pain. I have considered a restraining order but have never followed through, I think about his daughter and I have not exactly had the most positive expierences withthe police when it comes to him. It seems even they fall victim to his charms and I always end up looking like I am crazy. My counseler says it will never end, til the day he dies he will randomly try to reach out, not becaue he loves me but because he loves the game. As big of a sex addict he was it's clear to me that his real pleasure comes from fucking my mind. After all this time I do feel I have made some progress, I do my best to stay off his radar, I don't reach out to him but I am still terrified this will haunt me forever. I still privatley think of him, if meeting a man for coffee I still wish it was him, well the him I thought existed. I feel like I can never love or trust again, be with a man or get over him. I feel like I will never feel good enough about myself again that I will always be someone who wasnt good enough for him. I am afraid I will always think of his other girl/s and how much better they are than me, fantasize how this is the relationship that will work..he must love her. I know these thoughts are counter productive but I would be lying if I said I didn't think them. I'm working the steps, go to counseling. Is there more I can do? Something I'm missing or overlooked? I left to get my life back and I still feels a big part of it is with him. I don't know if anyone can relate but I most days I feel like a walking zombie, broken hearted and dead inside just trying to survive another day. Thanks for reading, any advise would be greatly appreciated. I also would like to add I hope my post isnt discouraging anyone, there are many great woman on this site who have left and are happy and share thier wonderful stories. This is just unfortunatley how I am dealing with things and looking for help. Thanks again everyone

Jun 19 - 3AM
Luv2bme
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Perspective..,

Jun 19 - 2AM
StrongasDandelion
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Greed and mindfuckery

Jun 18 - 11PM
Goldie
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Are you kidding me?

Jun 18 - 11AM
cmarie666
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Thank You

Jun 18 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
Journey
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A lot of it is simply

Journey on...

Jun 18 - 11AM (Reply to #5)
Goldie
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Yes I too

Jun 18 - 10AM
ItsFinallytime
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Hi cmarie. I agree with

Jun 18 - 9AM
Journey
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While 8 months may seem like

Journey on...

Jun 18 - 9AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

The Support Group will help you immensely with this