Conned for 16 years

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#1 Jun 12 - 6AM
I Worked Him Out
I Worked Him Out's picture

Conned for 16 years

I've never been on a forum before but here goes:
I kicked my Narc out 6 months ago. We were together for 16 years and married for 10. We have 4 children together. I first noticed a red flag 3 weeks after we started seeing each other. The first 3 weeks were pretty stock standard narc behaviour. I almost felt a bit smothered but he seemed to be so attentive compared to the men that I had dated at the time. He seemed so interested in doing everything with me - he would come to all my work functions and socialised with all my friends. Two of my closest friends spotted some strange behaviour in the initial stages but I put it down to a bit of jealousy as they had to share their 'drinking friend'.
I was living with a girlfriend and loving life. He was staying over quite a bit and was filling the fridge with food and even offered to pay rent (he never offered this again - EVER). He would casually say that he thought my friend had a bit of a 'loose' lifestyle and systematically made passive negative comments about all my friends. All the time he kept telling me how solid we were. We had some arguments during this time that I always thought were complete overreactions on his part. One time, he had requested that I purchase a bottle of alcohol to give to a friend of his as a present for his birthday party that night. I had to work late and couldn't get to the store in time. When I told N that I couldn't get it and we could just pick one up on the way to the party he went crazy. Asked me why I couldn't just do this one f*ing thing for him. Would not even listen when I tried to explain that I had to stay back at work. At the party he was completely loving, especially when he realised that someone was hitting on me.
A year and a half into our relationship he announced that he was travelling to England for 6 months. He did not ask me to come along but told me that he wanted to maintain our relationship. I was blown away that he could leave for that long. It wasn't like we had just met. But he charmed me into believing that he needed to do this and that he would be faithful during the trip. I have been told by people that he visited, that he was faithful and I believed it. Maybe it is true but he is a text book narcissist so I now doubt it.
Anyway, he came home and moved straight into an apartment with me that my parents owned. This is when it all really started. I could not get over the belittling comments, berating me about my work (I have always had pretty good jobs) and then the strange makeup sex that would follow. I paid the rent and the bills as he took some time to get a job once he got home. He had to have an operation during this time and decided to move back in with his mother and father as I explained to him that I would not be nursing him (still had a bit of strength in me). During this time I developed an eating disorder.
I'm not one for conflict - I've always been quite a peaceful person - and so I couldn't understand why our arguments would end up with N saying some extraordinary cruel things. His favourite was "Are you just too stupid to understand" but reading through the Narc Speak list almost had me laughing. He had said not one, nor two, but most of the things on the list.
With the money that I saved during his trip overseas I purchased a house near my parents and told him that I was moving. He immediately said he was coming with me which took me by surprise as it was over an hour away from where he grew up and his family. His mother was extremely sick at the time but he was adamant that he wanted to come with me. I think the biggest red flag was his treatment of his mother. He would always tell me how bad she was at things - driving, cooking, listening. He would often tell her to shut up, then sit on his backside in the lounge (with his father) and expect to be served. I would tell Narc to have a bit of respect and I would be told to shut up also. This continued even when his mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I could not believe that even as she was virtually on her death bed he would be rude to her if she asked him questions about what he was up to. He apparently still puts messages up on Facebook about how he misses her every day. I was of the impression that its better to let them know when they are still alive.
I could continue on and tell you so many instances of his Narc behaviour but we have all done it before. I just went with the flow of my life and let things happen. I ended up married to this man and having four of his children all the while trying to garner some strength to leave. After having babies 3 and 4 (twins), I was diagnosed with Post Natal Depression, placed on antidepressants by my doctor and sent to a psychologist. I credit my psychologist with saving my life. At this time I was raising 4 children, working 3 day a week and doing everything around the house. Narc would come home from work, go directly into the garage without coming into the house, play music, get on Facebook and drink until dinner time, come in and eat and then fall asleep on the couch. If one of the kids woke him he would go balistic at them.
My psychologist worked him out immediately. She seemed to focus on the 'support' I received from him. As our sessions progressed, I could see that she was very interested in his behaviour. After about 5 sessions, I announced to her that I had asked him to leave as I had found inappropriate conversations that he was having with an old high school friend. When I confronted him about them, he immediately deleted the conversations. I kept asking him what he meant by some of the comments and he flat out denied it. I READ IT WITH MY OWN EYES. I knew then and there that I could not ignore the flags anymore. He refused to tell me for 2 days what he meant in the conversation and then told me a story that was so benign that it could not be plausible. I told him that it was crap because he could have told me that when I initially confronted him.
3 weeks after separation he had taken our 2 oldest kids camping to one of his favourite spots. He had been there a couple of months before we separated and had told me that there was a woman there who was interested in him but he kept telling her that he was married with four children. I found out later from one of his best friends that they were acting like a couple when they met during our marriage. Anyway, off he goes camping with the kids, coincidentally meets up with her and has sex with her whilst our kids are asleep in the tent. Classy!!!!!
He told me that all of these things happened because I was no longer interested in him. He would sometimes stay up until 11pm during the week on Facebook and texting if he didn't fall asleep on the couch. I would fall in an exhausted heap by 8pm as I had fed, bathed and put all the kids to bed, cleaned the house and worked. All my fault though.
As I said there is so much to tell - 16 years worth. I have not been able to go no contact because of the children but as he now has a girlfriend (hooked up with her 3 months after we split) he seems to be quite engrossed in her. Of course I know her; actually have known her since I was 15 and at first Narc took great pleasure in telling me what they were up to. Fortunately for me N has accidentally let the mask fall off a few times in public and shown his true colours. He tries to then garner sympathy by getting on Facebook and talking about how much he misses his mother or his children.
We have a special needs child and have had to attend some appointments together but all I do now is turn my back on him, read a magazine or just answer 'OK' to everything he says even if its not the appropriate answer. It pisses him off no end which makes me snigger a little. I look forward to complete no contact. He has already said on several occasions that the kids would be better off without him and he might just go and get a job in a different part of the country. I told him that I would like to decline his invitation to his Pity Party.
I continue to think about him but not because I still love him. I told my mother last night that I felt like I had been conned for 16 years - which really I have. I have not, for one second, regretted my decision. My Narc knew that infidelity was a deal breaker for me and he has worked hard to cover his tracks - he is still bleating that he has done nothing wrong. I used to tell myself that I wish he would just cheat on me so I could be done with him. I knew I had made the right decision but it wasn't until I found this website (recommended by my psychologist) that I truly understood how he works and what had happened to me. It was so confronting to realise that he never loved me and never will, but liberating that it wasn't my fault in spite of him trying to convince me otherwise.
I have enrolled to go back to school to get a good qualification to support my children. They have seen the true face of their father (he was very cruel to them) and adore me which gives me great strength. I hope people will read my story and not pity me but instead celebrate my strength. I have found a peace within me that I thought would never return. I know everybody on this forum will be able to find that peace eventually. I'm excited about my future because now I am its maker. Take care everyone.
With genuine love and empathy

Jun 21 - 3PM
Journey
Journey's picture

Welcome to the path forward!

Journey on...

Jun 18 - 12AM
rita
rita's picture

Well said

Strongernowthanever

Jun 15 - 6PM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Welcome to the forum