The Roller Coaster Ride

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#1 Jun 4 - 12PM
Runner81
Runner81's picture

The Roller Coaster Ride

Hello,

I'm new to this forum and thought it would be therapeutic for me to share my story.

On April 16, 2014 I discovered my husband of 17 months was having an affair. I did not immediately confront him because I was in shock. I spoke to a friend who had gone through a similar situation with her ex-husband the year prior. She suggested I gather more evidence before I confront my husband. She said he is likely to deny his infidelity unless you have proof. That same evening I hired a private investigator to watch my husband. In the course of two days my husband had slept with three different women. One of which he brought home to my house. I was shocked and devastated. Who did I marry?

I started to recall the red flags that I had seen flapping in the wind during the course of our marriage. Flags I chose to ignore. I had a difficult time communicating with my husband. If there were important conversations I wanted to have with him I would avoid doing so. When ever I would try to have a conversation with him he would manipulate what I was trying to say and turn everything around on me. These conversations weren't meant to be arguments. I was just trying to talk to my husband, which was clearly unacceptable to him. I told my husband I wanted us to go to couples therapy. One month before our one year anniversary I asked him to see a therapist. He immediately said there was something wrong with me and that he was unhappy that I was so unstable. He reluctantly agreed to go with me. We met with the therapist twice. During one session my husband challenged the therapist and his credentials. On a separate occasion my husband told the therapist he was "testing him." Finally the therapist told us he could not work with us. Through my research on Narcissism I've learned that therapist through there hands up when trying to work with people who exhibit narcissistic behavior. There's just not way to get through to them. It all made sense now.

My husband had shown signs of vindictive behavior in the past. Never towards me but towards other people. I feared how he was going to react to my knowledge of his infidelities.
I quickly went into survival mode. I opened a new bank account, hired a lawyer (who informed me that my husband was entitled to alimony since he was unemployed and that he could live in our apartment rent free until the divorce was final), I moved his clothes into the spare room, and changed the locks on my bedroom door. When I finally confronted him, over the phone (he was traveling) he denied everything. He told me I was crazy and these were huge accusations. Eventually he came clean about the woman who came to my house. He continued to say "You know why I did this?" I immediately knew what he was going to say so I interrupted him by saying "Don't you dare tell me this is my fault, I have NOTHING to do with this." He continued to tell me that I was not meeting his needs. Earlier in our relationship we had read the book "His Needs, Her Needs, How To Have An Affair Proof Marriage." I should have noticed the red flag when my husband described the book as the perfect manual for having an affair.

One thing I've learned about Narcissists is that their jokes, aren't really jokes. What comes out of their mouth has truth to it. It doesn't necessarily mean they will do what they say, but they are definitely capable of it. They also believe everything they say is true, even if does not sound rational.

When my husband returned from his travels we sat down to discuss his infidelities. At this point I didn't know what a Narcissist was. I thought my husband had a sex addiction. To my surprise my husband had a total of five mistresses (that he came clean about). According to him, the affairs began 8 months after we were married. He met four of the women online through craigslist. He was seeking married attached women to have affairs with. He wanted to maintain our marriage and keep the mask on. The fifth mistress he met in a bar. He told me he was in love with her but wanted to make our marriage work. I thought to myself, "How is that possible?"

I started to notice odd comments coming from my husband. They didn't sit right with me. They sounded insane. During one conversation with my husband I told him that I was so shocked that he cheated on me, I mentioned that he told me he would never cheat on me. He responded with "I never said I wouldn't cheat on you. I said I would never leave you." My jaw dropped. Every time he opened his mouth his foot he shoved his foot in it. He told me that if I didn't want to be with him that he was going to move in with mistress, number five. She was also married (no children - thank god).

Throughout the past few weeks my husband has said to me "I don't want this." I find this phrase to be so flat. He has never said to me, I love you, I can't imagine my life without you, I want to be with you. I will do what ever it takes for us to work, including cutting off my relationship with my mistresses. (I had asked him to break it off with mistress number five in the beginning and he said he wouldn't do that unless I could guarantee that we would work out.) What he is really saying when he says "I don't want this" is "I don't want to change my routine and move. I don't want to look like a failure to the outside world."

My husband semi-moved out of my house two days ago. His stuff is in my garage until his final move date of June 13th. His mistress has filed for divorce from her husband and will be moving in with my husband. My husband and I are working with a lawyer on our divorce. He will be served in July of this year. He is being cooperative. I just hope he continues on this path.

I know it will be extremely difficult to cut off my Narcissistic husband. He's made the following comments in the past two weeks: You were never supposed to find out, Just so you know, you are grandfathered in and you can have me when ever you want, You will become my new mistress, stop complaining about how you feel - you asked for this. All of these comments are so disturbing and point out that he will never be faithful and that he can't love. It's hard not talking to him, texting, emailing etc. We spent close to 5 years together.

I'm afraid of the unknown, I'm scared of being alone, I hope I can learn to love myself again. I will continue to read stories posted on this website for support. Thank you for listening to my crazy story. I know I'm not alone and I'm thankful for my health and the love and support I get from my family, friends and this community.

Thank you for listening.

Jul 4 - 5AM
strikeapose
strikeapose's picture

Not alone

Jun 4 - 5PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

First Welcome to