Sense and Nonsense

In response to Goldie's request yesterday, and to some recent posts by those who are new to the forum, I thought I would address a problem that I had earlier in my life, and how dealing with that problem when I was dealing with the N's in my life helped me to learn and grow stronger.

We try to make sense of our world by observing what is going on around us, and by reading and listening to the words of others. We have a basic trust for those who are supposed to care for us -- because they are our family, or our boyfriend/lover/husband/friend. As a child, you absorb it all, and you use that information to make decisions for yourself as you grow up.

Then one day, you are stopped in your tracks, disoriented and disillusioned, because you realise that the one who was supposed to love you has been saying one thing and doing an entirely different thing. The words don't match the actions. You don't understand why. You wonder if you made an error, if you misunderstood? But it happens again. And Again. And Again.

You are trying to make sense of nonsense, you cannot understand why someone would act that way. You think it through, and you realize that everything that person has TOLD you he/she wants, is undone by the actions they actually do. Why? Because they can. Because you trusted them. Because they are selfish. Because they think they can get away with it.

N's do get away with it, for awhile. The more you trust, and the more you forgive, and the more chances you give them to redeem themselves, the longer they get away with it. You are distressed, because to believe your eyes you must turn your back on all the programming you have received during the entire time you were being "groomed" by the N. All that lovebombing? It is an investment to make you vulnerable to future abuse. Great investment to the N who fully intends to make back his investment and a tidy profit as well. And if you dare to question his/her motivation? You must not be worthy of all the "love" he/she has put into your "relationship."

On the forum we call it "word salad" or gaslighting -- or just plain ole lies. Just because you are tied up with a person who lies doesn't mean you aren't worthy of the truth. Believe that, believe in yourself, get away from the liar, and you will start to get better.

I remember an infuriating conversation with my last N, when he was telling me how wonderful his new OW was, and was blame shifting me for the demise of our relationship. He would tell me some wonderful quality, and I would point out to him that when we first met, he had identified that same wonderful quality in me. He would tell me of his vows to her, and I would remind him that he had made those same vows to me. His answer to any of that was that "he messed up", but that was in the past, and I wouldn't forgive him. I pointed out he messed up a lot, and repeated the mistake over and over. I must have run out of forgiveness??? Oh, but it will be different now, because SHE will give him the chance to be the better man he knows he can be. Right. Cycle, cycle cycle. Lovebomb, Devalue, Discard.

I know this is hard to believe, but once you get away from the N and you stop believing in something/someone that is just NOT THERE -- you will start to feel better, and soon you will be better. You will be more careful with your heart, more protective of your trust.

I hope this helps someone to get thru the rough times when you are going thru withdrawal from the addiction to the N. Hang in there, follow the steps, it will get better! Good luck on your journey!