Driving Myself Crazy

I need some “more” clarity please. I am just so confused all of a sudden. It’s been ME initiating contact for answers or whatever. He hasn't begged, pleaded, nothing. It’s like as soon as I sent him that first email basically calling him out for how he treated me and telling him he is in a dark place, I threatened his image so he discarded me? I think what is confusing me is how he validates himself. In his defense, He did TELL me, right????

1) Did he send me an email to get a reaction from me since he thought I came back for more?

2) Is he just a professional and knows what is effective when the break up comes?

3) Why is he asking me if I am ok, yet doesn't try to reach out at all?

4) Why did he say he cared about me and still does, but then does nothing to try to fix it?

5) Why does it hurt the same even though I broke up with him?

3/23 Sunday Morning, I broke up with him. He was a brick wall, while I was crying my eyes out. After I stated I needed to do what is best for me, He immediately stated how the night before at an event we were at; I was an embarrassment to his image. He said it so matter of fact. No empathy towards my tears at all. I was devastated.

Days in-between - Not a word from him…………

3/26 Wednesday, I posted a note on the sports forum that we both played on. “My Dad is in the hospital, I won’t make it to practice tonight”. He sent me a private text, “What’s wrong with your Dad?” I waited and then replied, “Heart problems, not sure what’s going on yet”. He replied, “If you need to talk, I’m here”. I replied “Thanks”. That night, He told one of the girls on the team how he had “screwed up” and she talked to him about it. Never once made that claim to me.

Days in-between - Not a word from him…………

3/28 Friday, as I was still furious/devastated about what he said to me, I sent him an email stating his own behavior and how he treated me in our short relationship caused the break up. He replied stating that I chose to settle for mediocrity and I should not make him sound like a monster when it is simply we are supposed to be with other people.

-3/29 Saturday, a guy on our sports team had an extra ticket to a music festival. I was originally going to go to another event that I knew N would be at, but my girlfriend said, No, go to the music event! Let N wonder where you are, don’t go to where you know he is at! I agreed to; knowing I was only going because of her advice. I then invited my Nephew to go with us; he’s always fun to be around. We meet up with the guy and he tells me that he texted N to let him know I was going with him to the event. He didn’t want N to think something was going on between us. I told him that was a good idea and I appreciated it. Apparently, N was lashing out to the guy about me by text message throughout the day. He didn’t tell me what he said other than N told him that I sent him a horrible and offensive email. (My girlfriend read my email and said “You were actually pretty nice in the email, firm yet kind). By the end of the night, I was confused how N is ranting about the letter, yet he can say whatever he damn well chooses to me and also feeling guilty about getting this guy involved in the drama.

Days in-between - Not a word from him…………

3/31 Monday, I go to practice. N is there and this is Day 8 of our break up. Everything goes well. We even practiced together on skills. I missed his smile when I saw him, but I couldn’t let down my guard.

Days in-between - Not a word from him…………

4/2 Wednesday, another practice night for us. Seeing how good Monday practice went, I felt ok to text N to ask him to bring my Incredible Hulk big green hands (we were being silly one night with those things) that I had left over his house. He says He’s not going to practice, but I could stop by to pick it up if I’d like too. I respond by saying, “Oh that’s ok, I’m in no hurry, I can get it another time then”. He responded “They are in good hands lol”. I said, “I am still very hurt by everything, so I won’t respond to that comment”. The text messaging goes downhill from there. He doesn’t acknowledge my feelings again, He tells me he is quitting the team because “someone” hurt him. I begged him to put himself in my shoes for two seconds, no response other than; “I am hurt and want to be left alone”. It was all about HIM. He quit that night, and I never made it to practice because I was again emotionally devastated.

Days in-between - Not a word from him…………

4/8 – I sent him an email, kinda pathetic but it was nice saying all the nice things I enjoyed about him and that I will miss that about us. No response from him.

Days in-between - Not a word from him…………

4/23 – By now, I am very confused, feelings of guilt for sending the first letter, feeling bad for him quitting the team because everyone likes his surface personality, feeling like people are making judgments because he is playing the victim to the extreme. Even after reading a lot on this forum, I still felt all these feelings but more so, I just wanted the black cloud surrounding me to go away. I send him a text that just said his name. He responds with a question mark. I say “I need to talk to you, Can I stop by?” By this time, I am already sitting in his development not thinking that he would say No. I waited and waited and he finally responds, “No. Call”. He then calls me and says what is wrong? I said, I just need peace between us. He starts saying “Why did you go on a date with –guy-? I told him it wasn’t a date at all! My nephew even went with me. He didn’t really know what to say and by this time, he had pulled up in the development. He is sitting there and I say, N, I’m sitting right here. He comes over to my car and I get out. He says, “We are not getting back together”. I tell him I’m not there for that reason, I just want peace. I hug his neck and he says “I have someone coming over”, I need to get my groceries inside, so you can come in, but I am expecting company. I think to myself, F it, I’m going to go in and talk to him. I’m tired of my mind spinning. Basically, he displays his arrogance as usual and tells me that I’m just mad he didn’t come running after me. I say No, I do feel bad about how my email made you feel, and although I was extremely hurt, I shouldn’t have turned around to hurt you. I then try to talk about the day we broke up, how he was a brick wall, he just said, “my defenses were up, there was no discussion, nothing, you just said you needed to do what is best for you”. I tried to explain how there was no point in discussing anything to a brick wall (past discussions taught me). He then told me that he was so offended by my letter to him because it was all TRUE. This infuriates me, because he purposely punishes me for the TRUTH instead of owning his part???? He lashes out to people about me, but then says it’s TRUE what I wrote???? Why would he think that’s OK??? I don’t want him to rage on me, so I don’t really comment back. He then wants to know why I even went to the music festival in the first place, I explained that it was an extra ticket and I just said what the hell. I then told him that if I thought he would think it was a “date”, I would not have gone and the only thing on my mind that day was heartbreak (I was feeling extremely guilty knowing I went to get his attention and still feeling bad for that decision of mine). He then tells me he didn’t respond to my last email because he didn’t want anything to do with it, he ran away like he usually does. To be courteous of our time talking, I ask him what time he expects his company. He tells me “she’s” flying in tomorrow. I say nothing and act unbiased, (it could have been his Mother for all I know and when we were outside, he made it sound like he was expecting someone that night, so it could have been total BS and quite honestly, I didn’t want to know because he would hurt me). He then tells me about how all the young girls flirt with him on his “new” team but he is only there to play the sport. I don’t react. He tells me that his “platonic” girl-friend thinks I’m crazy because she and N are only friends and I took their flirting on Facebook the wrong way. I tell him I don’t really care what she thinks. N is very angry with his Ex-wife because she cheated, so why he can’t understand my feelings around flirting are getting clearer from reading this site. Anyway, in between all this, I’m still trying to make peace; I asked him if he ever cared about me. He said yes, and I still do and if you think the break up was easy on me, you are wrong. I told him it wasn’t easy for me either. I then asked him if we could just hug it out stating I didn’t want to get back together; I just wanted peace between us. We hugged for a long minute. When we were hugging, I said to him that I missed him, I missed his goofiness. He didn’t say a word. We stood back from each other and I said, “You didn’t even miss me a little bit?” He shrugs his shoulders and then said, “yeah, there were a couple nights it would have been nice to have you here and yeah, I guess I missed your silliness sometimes too”. I instantly felt like the biggest fool on earth, but tried to play it off as best I could. He said he would walk me to my car. We hugged again. I left.

4/24 – I sent him a nice email letting him know I appreciated that he didn’t “run” away so we could talk. Blah Blah Blah…No response. My girlfriend calls and says she saw N with a woman at a restaurant I introduced N to. I thought… Interesting but no big deal.

4/25 – My Ex-husband (we have maintained a mutually respectful relationship post-divorce – he is nothing at all like N) told me he saw N with a woman at the place N knows I frequent. It was my hang out spot. I thought… Now this is getting Interesting.

4/26 - I am at the sporting event that I had bought season tickets for N and I. I am there with a friend and his girlfriend. N walks in with the Woman who flew in. He looks at me and turns around and guides his woman further down the side of the track to find seating. I sit there as N is directly in my line of vision. I see him looking at me throughout the game. I don’t react, I act as normal as possible even though I wanted to leave. As soon as the game ends, I picked up and headed out the door as fast as I could. I didn’t want anything to do with that whole scene.

4/27 – I decide it’s in my best interest to leave the new sport I love because it is a trigger for me. I could continue to practice on my team, but at some point, we will play each other, or go to the same event. And I simply didn’t want him to have access to hurt me.

4/28 – He sends me an email saying….I’m sorry if Saturday was as awkward for you, as it was for me. I can assure you it wasn’t intentional. I don’t respond.

5/1 – I made the decision to go full NC. I also deactivated my Facebook account for the month of May to give me time to heal.

5/7 – I still had his number in my recent call log because he had called me on 4/23 but I had already deleted him as a contact before that. He has an out of state phone number and I had rec’d 2 other calls from the same city/state. As my curiosity got the best of me and I was trying to figure out who was calling me, I called the number back but it was actually N’s number (I don’t know it by heart). It took me 3 times of him saying “Hello” for it to register the mistake I had made. I suddenly hang up and feeling so upset about calling his stupid number!!!!!!! He then sends me a text saying, “Are you ok or was that a butt dial?” I freak out, I am MAD at myself and I sit there pondering what I do….What do I do???? I decide no response.

- To date there has been dead silence and I’m still trying to figure this out.