letting another person take control of our thoughts...

In the two plus years since I have been off the crazy train I have learned a lot. I have been healed and healthy for awhile now, which is truly amazing and wonderful. I do stay connected and involved with the site because without it I don't know how I would have survived and recovered. I find the subject of NPD interesting and I don't ever want to forget that these "people" exist.

I spent a long time figuring things out and how I got to where I was. I learned many, many things about myself. Of course it's easy to look back ( after healing) and questioning your behaviour. I put up with things that horrifying me now.

When did I think it was okay for my thoughts to be controlled by this person? When did I step back and let this person be in charge of me? When did I trade in my values and allow his lack of values to take over?

I have always believed in being grateful...even when times are rough. One thing I remember being grateful for during this awful experience was the fact that I knew 100% that it was him that was disordered, not me. It was him that was warped, damaged and hateful...not me. When he blamed me for his behaviour I am so grateful that I never bought into it on a personnel level. I knew it was his problem.I know many people aren't that lucky. They get so beat up emotionally that they question themselves. They believe the lies they are fed. My heart breaks for these people because it isn't their fault in any way.

My twisted thinking kept me in it for years. Thinking that no one would want to be that mean, abusive, Moody. Thinking that if I persevered and showed him how much I loved him (barf) he would magically change and appreciate me and our relationship.

I've learned that normal people do not, in any way, want to control your thoughts. They want you to be you. They want to get to know you for exactly who you are. You grow with people..You learn from each other...You love things about each other and maybe not like other small things about each other but you work to keep the relationship strong and happy. You give and take. That's a real relationship, with anyone. Friend, spouse, child, co-worker,sibling, etc.

I let myself down by not being smart about who to share my life with. Never, ever again.

Be strong...don't give your power away to someone that doesn't deserve it.