takingbabysteps story

My story starts almost 8 years ago, in the fall. I met him through friends at the bar. He was fun, loved to karaoke, very charismatic. I would see him every now and again at birthdays and such. One night, he asked me to take him home. I said no…but he persisted. He was 18 years younger than me and I felt funny about the age difference. One night at his dad’s house (he was 32 and did not have a place of his own, still married but living apart, and with another woman pregnant) he took me out on the porch and said that he loved me. My first reaction was “you don’t even know me”….but I agreed to go out with him. We had one date out, which I believe I paid for and then my dad passed away. This was the beginning of December. By Christmas, he was kicked out of his dad’s place and moved in with me. I should have seen the red flags then. But I didn’t.
When my family was going through my dad’s house cleaning things out, he was there with me telling me what to take. He was taking things for his family, friends, whatever he could get…he took. He put the things he wanted in my shed and put a lock on it so none of us could get into it. (Another flag which I ignored)
That first New Year’s Eve was magical. I arranged a night out at our favorite karaoke spot, hotel room, etc. etc. – I paid for it all. Oh did I mention that he did not work and didn’t work for the first 4 years of our relationship. Being older, he was closer to my son’s age then mine. He started to hang out with him and his friends. They would go out leaving me home. It was like he was one of my children. When we would go out together, he would flirt with waitresses, customers, whatever. In fact, one time I was playing the poker machine and I turned around and he had left with a girl we had met up there. Just left. I was dumbfounded and mortified. (This woman by the way is who he is living with now after leaving about 5 weeks ago). Every time we would argue, he would go off to her. But eventually came back.
There were times when I really thought that he was trying over the next 6 years. Last May, he moved out and started reuniting with all his exes….all the way back into his early 20’s. I had access to his facebook and saw all the conversations. He loved every one of them a week apart. It was crazy. Once again he ended up back with girl from above. He came back to me in August because he had no place to live (living out of his car)….I took him back. The past few months I started feeling the estrangement and suspected he was seeing the new love of his life (his words not mine). He just left. The only thing I got was that he was leaving and a text that said that I could shut off his phone (which I paid for). They now have a couples tattoo which he has on his facebook. Loves her kids (mind you he avoids paying child support and never sees his own). I am still trying to wrap my head around all this and focus on me. I truly believe that he never loved me and just used me. I was stupid with tunnel vision. Now I am having a horrible time breaking away and I hope that someday I don’t feel so anxious, hurt, destroyed, and even still think I would take him back. So that is basically my story. He has a drinking and drug problem…and I am actually convinced that in his new life he is happy and has kicked all those habits and is treating her wonderfully. They seem so happy. It sucks. I did everything he ever wanted…bought him a Harley, clothes, vacations, you name it…until the last time he came back…I just wasn’t convinced he was being honest with me. Any feedback or suggestions on how to get past this would be appreciated.