Can I do this again?

I fell of the wagon LIKE an idiot!, I thought maybe he is different, but I don't feel like he is. When I was on NC with him for 6 months I recovered quite well, although not fully, because he was my first kiss and first love (Im 24),I feel that im too old now, to find love. Do you think i can recover again fully with NC if I try it again? This person was so horrible that they were texting other girls in my bed..cheated on me 4 times, physically hurt me..I dont get my mentality, is my self esteem that LOW that I want them back? What if i dont find anyone else.? These thoughts consume me, i just feel like ending it all.