kitequeen's story

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#1 Apr 24 - 9PM
kitequeen
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kitequeen's story

I finally decided to share my story after reading this form for over a month. Thought I was maintaining no contact until I read through the steps and saw it includes photos, emails, etc.

For anyone who feels like they were a fool for not seeing it coming, you may get relief to know that I am an M.D. My specialty is Psychiatry. I started working with the sociopath, "M", in 2009. At that time, I was married and had a newborn child. "M" was a CNA at the hospital where I worked. All the ladies at work drooled over him...including me. We were always making comments on his body, etc. The first time he approached me to talk, I thought, "He is all body and no brains." Until I learned he was in nursing school working on his BSN. I had gained a lot of weight during my pregnancy and "M" seemed to be able to notice when I would lose weight, even if it was just a little bit. He called me "the incredible shrinking woman." Never put much thought into his flirting because he pretty much flirted with everyone. Fast forward 2.5 yrs. My husband and I separate. "M" finds this out and begins pursuing me more heavily. He had told me about his "long distance friend with benefits." We started dating about 7 months after my separation. It was strange and I had reservations from the begininng. Our dates would be spaced weeks apart, at least the "planned" ones. Every once in a while he would call to see me impromptu. He was not your typical sociopath, and there was no romance or love bombing. I will never forget the first kiss. It was horrible. The man cannot kiss. He said he never liked to kiss until he met me (okay, maybe a little love bombing). He would tell me he doesn't date older women, doesn't like blondes and doesn't date women with children. I am all of those things. We are only 6 yrs apart, but he liked to refer to me as "a cougar." In fact, he refused to call what we were doing dating. "We are just hanging out and having fun." I had nothing better to do, so I just went along with this.

Our relationship,of course, had to be kept a secret from the workplace. For the first 9 months, we never hung out on weekends or saw each other regularly. He was not the dumper in this relationship, I was. The first time I left him was only 3-4 months into dating. I hardly ever saw him as it was and he was planning, yet another, out of town vacation to Central America. The second since I met him. We had a date planned for the night before he was flying out. We had contact that day and had our evening planned. He supposedly text me from him house when he was on the way to mine. He called me just about the time he was to arrive to say that his brother's car broke down and he has to go pick him up. I said, "no problem, do you want to pick me up and we will go together or should I meet you after?" He said neither since his brother was 1.5hrs away and it would take all night. I asked if he planned to stop over and say goodbye, since he said he was only one mile from my house. He said he already turned around. Now, his brother was not injured and his brother is grown man. "M" taking 5 min to see me in person was the right thing to do since he was leaving for 2 weeks. I knew he was lying to me and told him I thought that. We didn't speak for a month, well, he text me but I didn't respond. To this day, I still have no idea about that day. My guy friends said, "I would have taken a photo with the car and tow truck to prove it to you, or had my brother call you." My intuition was right on.

After a month, he somehow convinced me to give it another try. We started seeing each other more often, like weekly. One Sunday night he showed up at my house for our date and looked like hell. I asked WTH? He made me take a walk with him outside, later telling me he didn't want me in my house because he knew I had guns. He proceeded to tell me he was out on the town the night before and ran into "some chick" he used to date before me, who told him she had herpes. He wanted me to get tested and wouldn't sleep with me until I did. I saw my doctor and I was clean. He still wouldn't sleep with me. He came over one night and we were making out, and he practically RAN out the door. My mind deduced that he was the one with herpes and he was clearly having an outbreak. He refused to speak with me about it, so again I broke it off.

Of course, we get back together again. We are 6 months in now, and I don't know where he lives and have not even met his brother with whom he lives. It was around this time I finally met his brother and saw his home. He has 2 large pitbulls and has them trained for aggression. I have a fear of dogs from being attacked as a child. He and I both travel often for pleasure, but never together. We had overlapping vacations coming up. He was going to Key West with "a friend" and I had a trip to see my family. There were 2 days in between so we would see each other. He made ZERO contact with me when he was in the Keys, then calls me up the day he planned to return and says, "sorry babe, my vacation has turned into a workation." Again, I called BS.

He hoovers me in again. I really laid down the law this time. Haha, or so I thought. We were seeing each other 3 days a week (at about 9 months), still not spending weekends together. Was planning on 2 upcoming trips, one just an overnight for a Halloween party and the other a 3 days cruise with friends. He was wishy washy and could not commit to either, but finally did in the end, knowing that I would leave if he didn't.

At the year mark, we again had overlapping vacations and would have 3 week time without contact. He left first, again for central America, his 4th trip there since I was with him, and me for the West Indies. I suggested we sign up for Skype so we can talk. He always plays stupid and says he knows nothing about computers or electronics (LIE) and goes on to tell me he never had a Skype account. So, time ticks away and he never signs up. He sends me an email while I'm on vacation joking about having an old account that he used to cyber sex with some "chick." When I asked him to please not provide me all the minor details that could be hurtful to me, he turns around and says again, "I don't have nor ever had a Skype account." I put his email addy into my Skype and guess what I found. His name, his city, etc. He has a Skype account. This is the first lie I can prove. Once he returned we talked about it again and he continued to deny until I showed him the proof. Then he down played and laughed at me. Yet, I stayed.

We finally took a week long trip together shortly after this and planned a couple for the upcoming year. We are finally spending weekends together. I'm thinking, gee, he was just a tough nut to crack and it's hard for him to be close to anyone....I need to cut him some slack.

I moved that year into a gorgeous house on the river. He and his friends moved me with a truck we rented. This is when I started to see the other side. The angry mean side. We were spending 4-5 nights a week (at 1.5yrs in) and he was no longer hiding his addiction to marijuana around me. Right before my birthday, I'm over cleaning out the old house and I hear my phone ringing. Didn't answer because I was cleaning. Then it rang again and again. Finally, I answered. He was frantic on the other line, "did you get a message from me and if so, did I listen to it." I told him no, I was cleaning. He says you need to erase it immediately, using the excuse that he was telling his friend what he was getting me for my birthday and he didn't want to ruin the surprise. Stupid me, I don't listen, but I don't delete. the phone call was an accident, a butt dial. The day after my birthday, he and his buddy were working on my boat lift and asked me to run to the auto store for a belt. No problem. Except he has me parked in, so I took his car. Mind you, I drive his car occasionally, and had it for 10 days just a week prior, when he was yet again, guess where? Central America. When I get to the auto store I realize there are items in the door of his car that were not there before. Specifically, cologne and condoms. I freaked out and called my girlfriend, and listened to his butt dial call that I saved. He was referring to me a "a bitch" and talking about some other chick to his buddy. I left him yet again. Let me explain that I have a horrible allergy to perfume and it causes me migraine headaches. He is always saying how he hates cologne. The condoms he says were old and he was throwing them out.

Do you thing that was the end. Nope. Took him back again. He convinced me the cologne was to cover the pot smell in case he was pulled over (because he smokes while driving) and brought me some old condoms that were falling out of the package, "see how old they are?" Okay. Hoovered again. At this point we are practically living together. Except something is very wrong. I am no longer pursing any of my hobbies, he finds a way to mess up all my plans, he has alienated me from nearly everyone, and I hate myself for being with a man who truly doesn't care about me. Every time I went back, I lost a bit more of myself. He convinced me that he needed to be "the man" in this relationship and that my role should be much more submissive. I was actually buying into this crap too! If you knew me at all, you would not believe this.

There were more break ups but lets fast forward to this past Christmas. He was taking my son and I to an ice show. I was putting my son in his booster seat in the back of "M's" car. My son has his iPad and I was looking for the 12volt in the rear. I opened the cigarette ashtray in the rear of the car and almost fell over at what I found. I found his HERPES medication! Waited until we were on the road and my son had fallen asleep to have a conversation with him about this. I didn't show him that I had any proof, and just asked him again about what happened 1.5 yrs earlier, again asking if he had herpes. He says no way. I tossed the medicine on his lap and he was speechless. Finally he blurts out, "that's it! That's what i have been hiding from you this whole time! Are you happy?"

Shortly after that, he confesses to have a "second job", which you may have figured out by now is selling dope. No, let me be more specific. His words were that he is the horticulurist for a Marijuana ring. The grower. He doesn't sell, but he's making $10-20K monthly. Okay, now it makes sense. Couldn't figure out how he had such a nice car (Escalade) and owned a home, on the $10 part time job he was working while in school. He did graduate by now and had been working as an RN for about 5 months, but still.

I left. No turning back this time. He tried to hoover about a month later. He showed up at my house to "talk" and I let him in. But I was strong and he left mad. Then next day came the horrible part. He contacted my best friend and tried to convince her there was something between her husband and I. A few months earlier, he threatened to kill her husband because he touched my shoulder at a Halloween party. He also held me hostage in his home that night refusing to let me leave and physically restrained me so I couldn't. Yes, it had gotten bad. Anyways, this girlfriend of mine was interviewing for the job to be his boss at the hospital where he worked and he didn't want her there because she is one of the few people who has seen the real him. She told her husband she wanted a divorce, her husband is calling me telling me I need to fix this. It took me two days of talking to her to convince her that I didn't do anything, or rather, her husband didn't do anything. That same week, my other best friend canceled all of our upcoming plans and hasn't spoken to me since. I still don't know what he could have said to her. They still work together. When I ask her if he said something, she doesn't say no, she just refuses to answer the question. He threatened to harm me the day after we had that talk too. Ended up calling the police who called him to warn him off me.

About a month after this crap, my son gets a head injury at daycare and I have to rush him to the hospital. Guess who found their way to our room in the ER? Yep. Wanted to talk to me and I told him to leave. He did.

He has text a couple times, all nice and friendly. you know, the "I hope you are doing well and I think of you often." Blech.

That was two months ago. Thought I had completely fallen off his radar, nope. Last week, I got an email from a sex site "lonely wife hookup" asking me to confirm my member registration. Username "iamacougar". When I confirmed the account, just so I could delete it, it showed his city as being the original registration address. Can I prove it was him? No, not without a court order. We live 14 miles apart and 3 cities. It's a metropolitan area where the cities all run together. No one in my life has ever called me a cougar except him. He is the youngest person I have ever dated and prefer men around my age. Have not contacted the police again. Frankly, I am worried about his drug connections and want my son and I to be safe. Left him 3 days before an upcoming vacation. The morning we were supposed to leave I got an email from the airline, that he changed his ticket from where we were going, to Central America and left that day. Any guesses why all the trips to the same country? Never once did I go and if I would have gone he said he would not stay where he usually does. No, I'm sure not, because then I would find out the internet is good and not spotty like he always used for an excuse as to why he wasn't contacting me. And, someone might let something "slip" about his other trips. He used to joke about having kids there. It could be true.

So that's where I'm at. The days are much easier now. My business is thriving again. My friends are returning and my son and I are happy. Really hate the thought that he can keep doing this. The D&D is bad.

Obviously there is a lot I didn't write about. The degrading comments, hurtful jokes, silent treatment punishments, sick minded sex, and yes, he like the rest has the ED.

What I have learned is that I was the OW in the beginning, but as other women left, I moved to the front. I believe he was with me because I helped him appear very legitimate. Also, we both travel, like sports, weight lifting, wakeboarding, etc. I've learned to never ignore my intuition. It doesn't lie and it's there for a reason, to protect ME! I gained 40 lbs over my two years with the narc. Was medicating myself with food every night before he came over. And before someone suggests I turn him in as a dealer...I am not going to do that. It would just put my son and I more at risk. One day, he will step in his own shit.

I went through the "how could this happen to me" stage. Yes, I'm successful, intelligent and great qualities. But, my self esteem had taken quite a hit with the divorce and I was vulnerable. Usually, when I leave a relationship I'm ready to date in a few month. At this point, I have no desire to date and need to get my sense of self back on solid ground.

It was interesting reading about having a creative outlet. Just before we split up, I started making jewelry. He hated it. He would complain if I wanted to work on my jewelry. He often went home to tend to his dogs and always went alone. Once I started the jewelry, I looked forward to him leaving. he must have sensed it because he would try to pressure me into joining him. I now have my own jewelry business too! I do beading, wire and am taking silver smithing classes at the moment. Never in my life, have I been "an artist" and it feels fantastic.

He is blocked on my phone and email. However, he isn't going anywhere and this is his hometown. How to stop the hoover or just the nasty games??

Apr 26 - 4PM
Journey
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Welcome to the path forward

Journey on...

Apr 25 - 12AM
SunnySideUp
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Every story I read here..

Apr 25 - 11AM (Reply to #5)
StrongasDandelion
StrongasDandelion's picture

The ED can be greed. My

Apr 26 - 8AM (Reply to #6)
thebigpayback
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my ed experience

Apr 25 - 1AM (Reply to #2)
kitequeen
kitequeen's picture

Good for you staying NC for 6

Apr 25 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
SunnySideUp
SunnySideUp's picture

hugs back,

Apr 25 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
StrongasDandelion
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I also realise that the Narc