I dabbled with the devil for few days...

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#1 Apr 19 - 8AM
NoMoreFreakBoy
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I dabbled with the devil for few days...

....and I paying the price. After all this time, I let my guard down . I never thought I would run into him among the millions of people in NYC lol. I questioned why I did? What was the purpose, why was it in God's plan to have us be in the same place, at same time in one of the most un-obvious places on Earth? That thought is what got me in trouble last time. That I had too many coincidences with him , and now this chance meeting him , so maybe he meant to be in my life and he has changed. One small event, seeing his face, his eyes, his what seemed like genuine missing me and him apologizing for the " stalking" behavior and for hurting me. And my thought was he must be changed man and telling the truth because this was not a planned thing...totally random event that we met up in some deli in NYC where neither of us had ever been too nor even live near. So he couldn't plan what he said to me, the apologies, the sweetness, the love bombing, the missing me and knowing he was wrong and wants me back...it all came spilling out of his mouth like it was real.......and I believed every word. Today we were supposed to meet for breakfast....he emailed me and said " sorry, I want nothing from you or with you". I am angry and stunned. Angry at me for letting my guard down. I thought I was strong and I was never going to be affected by him
again. And I feel awful because I have another great man in my life who shows no N red flags, he is very good to me but he not as exciting as exN was and that was the turn on for me. I AM addicted to the drama and chaos I guess. Why? What is the addiction to drama and chaos? I never understood that?
I will be ok, I took few steps back. This time I not in that awful turmoil I suffered for years from exN.
But after all this time, why would exN be so enticing to me? Why do I get bored with people who have normal issues? Why am I addicted to people who need to be fixed? I have such a good life and with a stable BF now, and even better I felt healthy and at peace and by myself with no exN in sight. How do I get rid of that restless feeling like I am missing something with exN? Is it because he built himself up to be this person of grandeur and spontaneity and excitement....but I know he's really not.....he has dead end job, owns nothing , rents a room , owes tons of money, takes and takes from good people, his kids don't like him, is stuck in a boring routine of work and gym and watching tv and porn......I know the real exN...but why do I think he has these model looking women and fast cars ( his goal as a Papi Chulo) and he has this great life that I envy lol....he doesn't have all that stuff. It's weird thing I struggle with. CD I guess.
Thanks for being here and listening. Another hard lesson learned. I thought I was done with this.

Apr 20 - 8PM
ItsFinallytime
ItsFinallytime's picture

"I AM addicted to the drama

Apr 20 - 5PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Read up on codependency. Not

Apr 19 - 2PM
NoMoreFreakBoy
NoMoreFreakBoy's picture

I know.

Apr 19 - 9AM
Willow
Willow's picture

"I questioned why I did? What

Apr 19 - 9AM
Goldie
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Support Group?

Apr 19 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
Hunter
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I agree Goldie!What

Apr 21 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
spinning
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Wow, Hunter...

spinning